Botox, baby

I have never claimed to be a fashionista, or an advertising maven, or costuming expert. I have my basic uniform of t-shirt and jeans that I wear most days, swapping out for a tank in the hottest days and a button down shirt or plain sweater in the winter. It's pretty basic (but not BASIC, uhm-kayyyy??).

So even though we have now thoroughly established I'm no clothing expert, I am appalled every time the Botox for migraines ads come on TV. The lead gal they cast is *basically* (pun intended) beautiful, and does a reasonable job pretending to walk around migraine-free.

"I need a venti soy half-caff extra hot PSL stat!"

But. Her. Outfit. It is the most unflattering, ugly, horrendously dated frumpy thing I've ever seen. Boxy, blousy, too-big, droopy button down shirt tucked in to frumpy, pleated, too-big, cankle-length khaki pants.

Maybe if I put my hands on my waist you'll know I have one...

They have taken a reasonably attractive woman who likely has a "perfect" body under that mess and made her look like a lumpy dumpy homely frump-meiser. That costumer should be fired! S/he obviously has a grudge against this poor lady who is just trying to make a dollar for herself by doing a really stupid Botox ad.

*just think about the paycheck. smile for the paycheck. moneymoneymoneymoney*

I mean, look at this woman! She more than likely has a body most women would kill for and you can't even see it under all those pleats and poufy clothes. She might not have migraines anymore but she has a headache from looking at herself in the mirror.

spamalot

so I got this email the other day...

And I was reminded of this brilliant troller of trolls...

And for a brief moment considered writing back Mister John Fola. But I couldn't decide which tactic to take -

I didn't realize I had helped you before? I must have been in a fugue state and not been aware of what I was doing. I am glad that despite my apparent hypnosis I was able to assist with the funds transfer. I would be glad to accept the small stipend of One million five hundred thousand United States Dollars, but I fear I will not know what to do with it unless I am fugue-ing again. Do you happen to know any good hypnotists? 

Or perhaps to say -

I'm sorry to say I seem to have forgotten you. I must have amnesia. Are we friends? Business associates? How did we meet? Why am I trying to help you? How is it that little 'ole me could help such an esteemed person as you? I do want to experience the joy with you after safeness (at least I think I do) but feel a little uncomfortable since I don't remember who you are. Please do not take offense, I do not mean to hurt your feelings by not remembering you, but feel that since you are offering me One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars I should at least be honest with you.  

But ultimately I don't have the same kind of spare time as the guy in the video, and opted to just delete my entire spam folder full of crap.

 buh-bye One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars...

Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. And sometimes it rains.

Hoo-eee lawdy! Sometimes getting the heck outta dodge is just what you need to mix up your life a little bit! I just got back from Las Vegas with my bestie Claire, where we got thunderstorm-ed upon, partied it up, relaxed by the pool, threw money at the tables, and saw a show. Whew. I am tiiirrred. I need a vacation from my vacation!

Shortly before the trip I had figured out that I was going to ask for a raise at my job, but there was no timeframe on exactly when I was going to do this; I was just going to wait for the "right time."

This bird has good timing. 

The last day on the trip I got a really really random call to come in for an interview to work on a popular TV show, and it could be regular work. Huh.

And then, piece de resistance, I had met a new boy in Vegas! He's cute! He's successful! He's tall! ... and he lives in Seattle. Meh.

So now that I'm back, I have a timeline to asking for a raise (I got it!!) and I also went to the interview (and got that job too!!!)

And my new un-boyfriend has picked dates to fly me to Seattle!!!!!!!

BOOM

'tis the season for credit card bills

jingle bells, batman smells, santa lost his way...

let's look at christmas gifts throughout my years:

young Joanna: barbie corvette

sorta-young Joanna: Whitney Houston cassette tape (greatest love of all!)

medium-young Joanna: leather jacket (clearly I was a badass)

college Joanna: cash (for booze, naturally)

and now, ... medium-old Joanna:

oh shit I just spent $850 on my car for tires and brakes how the f*ck am I going to pay for that???

Looks like Santa is bringing me a check made out to American Express.  Although apparently asking for the whole amount was a little much. At least Santa made a dent...

(sigh)... so much for the fun and excitement of opening presents on Christmas Day. Remember when it was so magical? Now its "your grown-ass child cannot pay her own bills," "use some of her inheritance now" and "bail her out one more time."

Longing for the good 'ole days where Christmas was about excess and things you don't need.

bibbity bobbity boo

Ok Mr. Universe, Ms. Give-me-what-I-want-Fairy, my Genie in a bottle with your stupid three wishes,

I appreciate all this work (and paychecks) you're throwing my way, but this isn't exaaactly what I meant.

Having two days off out of 20 is not what I was looking for! I am TIRED. And because I am TIRED I am having to pass up on fun stuff.  Like drinks with friends (you know how I hate to miss an opportunity to booze it up), birthday parties (hello, booze-portunity missed again!), and even line dancing (booze-a-thon!).  I've been forced to douse myself in Vitamin C just to keep from getting sick.

And to top it off, this "awesome" work you've been getting me? While not exactly "difficult," it certainly isn't what I thought I'd be doing with my life at this age.  I can see myself at my next high school reunion -

Classmate 1:

 I'm so amazing. I dance professionally for Alvin Ailey as their lead dancer.

Classmate 2:

I have two darling children that I home school and my husband is a doctor AND a lawyer!

Classmate 3:

 I was just the lead in a movie playing Brad Pitt's wife! (true story btw)

Classmate 4:

I've been traveling the world ending hunger and war! Joanna, what have you been up to?

Joanna:

Well, the other day at work I made reindeer water bottles...

So much for a little part-time gig to give me some extra cash during the week.  Now I am full-time mummy-juice, turkey-lollipop, craft-maker. Oh - and weekend teacher. Whew... I need a drink.

Black Gold, Texas Tea, Swimming Pools, Movie Stars

I just turned down a job. An acting job. What is the world coming to????

(sigh...)

It was even a paid acting job. And a fun role. And up in Northern Cali for 6 weeks. But not paid enough. Who can live off of $275/week??? That is below the poverty line! I guess they can only hire trust fund kids.

too bad my oil money hasn't come in yet.

(double sigh...)

So I stay here in LALALand aimed on getting something even bigger and better than some dumb lead role in some dumb play in some dumb picturesque town for some dumb reputable theater company.

Hey Uncle Jed? How soon can I get adopted?

anyone know anything about cloning?

ok Universe, when I said I wanted more work, I didn't mean for them all to fall on the same day. I am scheduled to shoot a sketch for Unstitched (see video below) on Saturday and on Sunday I have my regularly scheduled teaching gig.



And I have an audition on Sunday at the same time as I am supposed to teach, and I got a new Betty gig for Saturday and possibly Sunday.  Seriously??? And here I sit all day today and tomorrow with nothing to do. Even my hike-date cancelled on me for tomorrow morning.

How the hell am I supposed to be in all those places at once? Jeebus.  Time to prioritize.  Trouble is, do I choose paying bills or chasing the dream?

When does "or" become "and"???

Honey Boo-Hoo

I got a new position with Run Around Betties! Yay!

Aaaaand she is s simpering idiot...

This woman cannot seem to do anything for herself.  I am doing things like getting quotes for movers, cable, internet, carpet cleaning, etc.  She moves in just about a week and has done NOTHING on her to-do list.  Her apartment has not one single box packed.  She has made list after list of things that need to be done, but all she can manage to do is make another list.  Yowza.

When I met with her, she was whining about how she has never done this alone before.  Well boo-fucking-hoo.  Time to grow up and take care of your adult life without diapers.

*Actual picture of my boss.  She's an ugly one. 

Whatever, if you can't seem to do anything yourself, pay me to do it.  I'll take your money!

Ca-Chiiiiing! 

fucking Bakersfield.

fucking Bakersfield. yeah I said it again.

AKA meth capital of southern cali

It's almost two hours away and it made me miss the Superbowl and St. Patrick's Day.  Like, only the two biggest drinking days of the year! And it is a job that drives me to drink, as if it weren't bad enough already.

My first day on the job was Superbowl Sunday.  I got called in desperation because two of the three teachers called out "sick."  Yeah, yeah, you're sick on Superbowl Sunday, not drinking with your friends at all -- "please pretty please will you please go to Bakersfield tomorrow? We'll pay for xyz extra and put you up in a hotel and name our first child after you?" (sigh) (double sigh) Good thing I really need the money because I was planning to go to a super bowl party just a few miles from my house with the ability to sleep over if I got too drunk to drive home.  Yeah. So as my friends were all toasting their team or their favorite Doritos commercial, I was tutoring little kids how to walk with a book on their heads.  Yeah.

Next, I find myself roped in to teach at Bakersfield for the remainder of the sessions there.  That's ok; there is only 4 sessions left and they will continue to pay me all this extra money, put me up in a hotel the night before, etc etc. Oh yeah, and I still need the money.  So yesterday was St. Patrick's Day.  And I'm Irish.  And I'm wearing my green accent tank top and green ring and green earrings with my required black business attire and I'm teaching kids to walk down the runway.  Aaaaand I'm completely sober.  Yeahhhhh.

This is the worst school schedule ever.  Who cares that I make gobs of money? Who cares that I actually enjoy spending time with these kids? I am missing valuable drinking hours! I am missing drunken "I love you, man" and blurry trips to the bathroom with girlfriends where they keep you from sitting on the pee'd on toilet.  I could have made multiple bad decisions, stayed out way too late, and be hungover right now.

I can't think of any other holidays that I would have to work on that would impede my drinking, but I feel certain if there is something, anything that this school could make me miss it will.  Especially if it involves heavy drinking.  Last saturday I missed a house party.  Not like that is a huge deal but still... I'm just going to have to drink extra during the week to make up for it. Bottom's up y'all.

fingers crossed

So I only have two days left at this horrible job, and of course, today of all days, I actually make some decent money on my shift.  Granted, I'm not exactly bringing home name-brand bacon , it is more like government ration pork rinds, but it is at least (almost) worthy of the time I put in.

bringing home the bacon

Have I made a mistake in quitting? Have I finally just now gotten the hang of this damn job? Maybe I should rescind my resignation?

...OK, let's not be too hasty.

(I don't know what this is, but I love it.)

Let's see how the next couple of days go and then make our final decision.

NO, Regis, it is NOT my final answer.  Jeez. 

If I make a decent amount of money again even one time in the next two days, I will consider staying on.  My trainer wants me to stay, my boss wants me to stay, but I cannot put in more time without being compensated.  Especially when the circumstances around the job are not what they were advertised to be. Crossing fingers (and toes) that this could actually work out.  I really really really don't want to have to look for a job again....

not a "quitter"

Every time I try to leave the damn weekday job something comes up!

I had an issue with my check and so I figure, I should really get my dollarz figured out before I leave.  It is infinitely more difficult to get payment issues fixed if you don't work there anymore.  Well, it took all day for them to figure out that they paid Ted Kelly, not Joanna Kelly.  Because the names are soooo similar. Idiots.

Anyway, just as all of that got straightened out, my boss leaves for the day.  Naturally. So I have to wait another day.  The next day my boss is busy all day so I figure I'll just work while I wait for an appropriate time to chat and let him know that I'm gonna bounce. Buuuut then I make a sale (ie money) and I start to think, maybe I'll finally start to make some good money now! Gahhhhhh

Anyway, I've now decided to stay one more week.  Which is exactly what happened last week.  What the hell does this place do that makes you get sucked in one week at a time? Is this some kind of vortex?

like Dr. Who

 or Bill and Ted

I halfway expect Scott Bakula to show up.

Quantum Leap!

And hey, if Scott Bakula could show up, maybe there's a chance I could meet Bill Cosby. Bucket list, y'all.

bang bang noggin

I think I am going to quit all my jobs.

My weekend job is fun at times but mostly sucks.  My weekday job's learning curve is so steep I'm getting motion sickness and vertigo and not making any kind of decent money.  Continuing to work in jobs where you are miserable and don't make money is STUPID and COMPLETELY IDIOTIC!

Seriously folks, I'm starting to get a dent in my head from all the useless banging.  And don't get me started on the wall!

poor wall

A wise person once said, "look both ways before crossing the street." Lemme tell ya, I've looked both ways and there is no money train a-comin.

 So I'm getting the heck outta dodge and going to find something truly amazing where I get to help people, earn great money, have a flexible schedule, and not end up with bits of brick and plaster stuck in my hair on a daily basis.

Oh, and I'm still wondering if anyone knows Bill Cosby? Bucket list, y'all.  

Run Horsey Run

so it seems I went from underworked to overworked, from not making enough money to still not making enough money, and from no job prospects to a multitude of job prospects.

I currently have two jobs. I have a weekend job (that sucks) and a weekday job (supposedly is going to get better but it doesn't feel likely).  My sweet friend Molly is recommending me to a friend of hers looking to hire a couple of people; a former co-worker says she would love to get me hired at the store she is managing (they aren't hiring now but hopefully will have a spot in the near future); and my dad has some work he wants me to do!

I have two men trying to get into mi pantalones at the moment as well, although neither one is looking for more than some horizontal mambo-ing so the poor cretins will be sorely disappointed.

I seem to have attracted a disfigured version of what I want, but not what I want! I have jobs, but not the perfect one; I have boys, but not men! How is it that I have made so much progress but still feel like I've just lurched through the starting gate?

run, horsey, run!

Thank the sweet baby jesus that I at least have a wonderful zoomy zippy little mazda that I am truly growing to love.  Yes, I said it -- the "L" word! Who knew I could love a little econo-box so much? Amazing gas-mileage, moderately zippy little engine, comfy interior, razzle-dazzle red color... what's not to love? Well, it isn't a BMW 135i sport package with paddle shifters and red leather interior...

*drool*

buuuuuut... it is also a good $20K cheaper.  ka-chiiing! I guess for now I will count my blessings that at least one area of my life is going pretty much how I'd like, and that I have a little love in my heart.  Even if her name is Linda B Johnson, she has a convertible stick shift, and has been gently used.

can't I just be independently wealthy already?

I've started this new Life Alert job (see: cheesy 80's commercial) and had planned to hit the ground running since it's commission only.  Mama needs some dough! Buuuut the people at Plum Two staffing agency had gotten me a phone interview and even rescheduled from last week while I was in the alternate reality so I felt obligated to wait by the phone.  She assured me they would be calling at 10AM, so I'm on hyper-alert for any peep from my phone starting at about 9:45.

I know, I know, my cell's out of date.  I'm waiting for the iPhone 5.

Tick tock.  10:10 my phone is silent.  I check it to make sure it's charged and at the ready.  Yep.  Full bars and full battery.  10:15 no call.  It must be working because I've received texts and emails.  Ok, I'll give it five more minutes.  10:20 I have officially wasted 20 (plus) minutes of my day waiting for some stupid job interview over the phone (so you know there will be at least one or two more interviews after this) and still no phone call!

I call Tracy*, my rep at Plum Two, and she says she'll put out an email right away.  I wait around a little longer then I just say screw this and eat lunch and go to my job that I already have. At about 2:30 Tracy leaves a message to ask how the interview went.  I email her that I never heard from them.

I mean, honestly people, do you really want to work for a company that doesn't call when they say they will? Yeah, me either.

*not sure why I really give a shit about protecting these people's names... maybe I'll start using the real ones. 

she works hard for her money

I feel really dumb.  This weekend job I've been working for a month now is not exactly *hard* to do, but somehow I've only managed to make any kind of decent moolah one of the weekends and the other three have been crap.  Damn 1099-commission-only jobs.

I'm filming that reality show episode this week (egads!) and providing I don't meet the love of my life I'll be back to ... er, ...reality by thursday.  If I do make a love connection we'll film the date thur/fri.  Probably.  Either way I will be back at this stupid weekend job again this weekend.  If I don't figure this dumb simple job out by then I'm gonna have to cut my losses.  I mean, if I'm an idiot then I'm an idiot but lets not harp on the matter.

you little harpy

Speaking of 1099-commission-only, Thursday I am in training for another one.  Gah! Am I short some braincells? Remember that one time that was right now that I was complaining about these kinds of jobs???