spamalot

so I got this email the other day...

And I was reminded of this brilliant troller of trolls...

And for a brief moment considered writing back Mister John Fola. But I couldn't decide which tactic to take -

I didn't realize I had helped you before? I must have been in a fugue state and not been aware of what I was doing. I am glad that despite my apparent hypnosis I was able to assist with the funds transfer. I would be glad to accept the small stipend of One million five hundred thousand United States Dollars, but I fear I will not know what to do with it unless I am fugue-ing again. Do you happen to know any good hypnotists? 

Or perhaps to say -

I'm sorry to say I seem to have forgotten you. I must have amnesia. Are we friends? Business associates? How did we meet? Why am I trying to help you? How is it that little 'ole me could help such an esteemed person as you? I do want to experience the joy with you after safeness (at least I think I do) but feel a little uncomfortable since I don't remember who you are. Please do not take offense, I do not mean to hurt your feelings by not remembering you, but feel that since you are offering me One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars I should at least be honest with you.  

But ultimately I don't have the same kind of spare time as the guy in the video, and opted to just delete my entire spam folder full of crap.

 buh-bye One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars...

offsides chick

Sometimes I google old boyfriends. Just to see. Not my proudest moments, but... whatever. Like you've never done anything embarrassing. I'm not sure what made me think of him, but the other day I decided to look up Chris (fka "Todd" on this blog, but I don't give a shit about protecting his identity anymore). He doesn't do social media except for his sportscaster personality page on FB and a work twitter. And he has a common name so even if he did, I wouldn't necessarily be able to find his personal accounts.

After we ended things back in January 2015, I saw some tweet that made me think he was dating his co-worker the traffic gal at his TV News station. The tweet just said she was pretty, which could have been nothing, but... my gut said otherwise. At the time I wondered if he started dating her after we broke up or if she was the reason for the breakup. Of course she also has a very common name, so I can't find her anywhere on social media either except for her professional page... until the other day when I decide to google their two names together. *side note - I should teach a class on google stalking* And I find their "The Knot" page. They are getting married this summer.

I quickly click over to the "about us" section and see they have been dating since approximately May 2014. Chris and I dated Sept 2014 - Jan 2015. I even double check my old calendar to make sure. Yep. There's my flights to Seattle, his flight to LA, our dates, everything. I feel sick. This is the guy that wanted to spend Christmas with me and my family. But is also the guy who also wouldn't tell his parents about me because he "didn't like his parents nosing in his relationships."

And for a little light reading...

Here is the post about when we met.

Here is the post about our "first dates".

And the one where we were over.

Now the thing is, I was good with the whole situation. I had long ago made peace with the fact that we were not supposed to be together, that long distance was a much too difficult way to begin a relationship, that I deserved someone who made me a priority. I still feel that way. But now it is thrust upon me that I was inadvertently and unknowingly a side-chick.

did NOT know. *facepalm*

Mostly I feel badly for her. I don't know if she knows about me. I don't know anything about their relationship, but in general by the 5 month mark things are fairly serious and perhaps the "L" word has even been bandied about. They would have been dating about 5 months when he started things with me and seemingly juggled two "schmoopies" for a while. If it were me, I would want to know.

where is all started, and the happy couple

For their sake I hope I was a one-time-couldn't-resist-my-charms-fell-momentarily-in-love-but-then-realized-the-error-of-his-ways fluke and he is true to her now. As for me, I'm going to review my intuition see if it needs an overhaul.

breaking up is hard to do-o

So from Tinderland I found two seemingly normal-ish guys. One is well on his way to becoming my hunka-hunka-burning-love

and the other is sweet, funny, cute, and just... not the one for me. Our dates are always fun, I enjoy spending time, and if there were no one else, I might even keep hanging out with him just for shits and giggles. But for the most part, he is the one driving any communication or dates.

Well, now runner up is wanting to take things to the next level - not just drinking and having fun but he wants to cook me dinner and take me on a trip out of town and I want to do those things with my winner-winner-chicken-dinner! (pun intended)

So now I have to have a break up convo and we haven't even had the be-exclusive convo. Ugh.

To make things worse, runner-up and I have never talked on the phone. We have texted, we have hung out in person, but never talked on the phone. *side rant about dating in this day and age*
So now that means I either need to break up via text or in person. Well, I can't break up via text. That's just too much. Which means I have to do it in person. Which is THE WORST because now I have to go out on a date with him again in order to break up with him! I don't want to go out with him anymore!

I mean, its really his fault for making me have to break up in this way. He's the one that never called me, and we all know the guy has to call first. He's the one forcing me to strike the brutal blow right to his face. If he had just called me at least once, I could now call him and break up over the phone, like a civil human being. Because this is what happens when people break up over text.

Granted, I could just text him this video and see if he gets the hint...

Down, doobie doobie, down down...

history lessons. also known as LIFE ISN'T FAIR.

Just to back-track a little bit and give you a brief history, nearly 11 months ago when I was in love and atwitter, my then-darling and I went to a timeshare presentation in order to get a free trip to Hawaii. He desperately wanted the free trip, as he has never been. It was three days and two nights, and they pick the flight, the accommodations, etc. So basically you have the chance of being dumped in Hawaii at 6PM Tuesday evening and leaving 6AM Thursday (yes it HAS to be tues - thurs) And yes, friends, that is ten hours of flying for possibly 36-48 hours of time in Hawaii. Not worth it in my book. But I was in LERRRRRVE, and so I went for it.

Now, to see the time share, you had to qualify. One of the things to qualify was to be over 30. That made only one of us qualify (me). So the trip is mine, technically... A VERY long story short, we called and emailed and courier pigeon and stalked them for a couple months before we were able to nail down the soonest possible date: Sept 2014. About a year away...

Cut to Jan 2014 - My sweet darling rips the rug out from under my feet and the heart from my chest and breaks up with me. So, I do what any woman would do. No, I don't key his car or start a smear campaign on Facebook (although the thoughts crossed my mind). I cancel the romantic getaway to Hawaii.  These free trips are very strict. You cannot change your travel partner, your dates, your anything once it has been set.  There is no way in H-E-DOUBLEHOCKEYSTICKS I am going on a romantic getaway to Hawaii by myself, and there is NO FUCKING WAY I am going on a romantic getaway to Hawaii with my got-a-new-girlfriend-within-three-weeks-ex-boyfriend.

Well, he emails me not too long ago asking about the trip.  "Were you planning on going? I am." uhmmm, WHAT?? Did you forget you dumped me and my trip to Hawaii?

Anyway, he got really hurt that I didn't consult with him before canceling "our" trip and wanted me to apologize for not asking him if it was ok for me to cancel the trip. Last I checked, you were MY plus-one. Secondly, how on earth did you imagine that conversation going???

him: Hey, you still planning on going to Hawaii? I am.

me: Yeah, I'm going.

him: Cool. Wanna share a taxi to the airport?

me: Sure. And since we're sharing a plane and a hotel room, why don't we join the mile-high club?  

or how about

him: You still planning on going? I am.

me: No, I think that might be awkward. You go ahead though. I was the injured party, but your narcissism trumps my broken heart. 

him: Cool, thanks. Want me to bring you back a lei?

or this

him: You going? I am.

me: No, I'm going.

him: No, I am.

me: NO, I AM.

him: NO, I'M THE ONE THAT WANTED IT MORE, IF YOU DON'T GIVE IT TO ME I'LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN AND CRY LIKE A LITTLE BABY.

Fucking idiot.  How did he ever think there would be an amiable outcome to a trip to Hawaii between exes? Here's a clue, there isn't. So take your $50 you paid for the taxes on the trip and go find yourself a timeshare presentation where you don't have to be at least 30, and get your own damn trip. You can even take your new girlfriend.

And I'll be here, Bitter Betty, party of one... so sexy. Maybe I should post this to my online dating profile...

ha-ha-ha. ... not funny

remember when I was complaining about having too many things to do? Well, I guess I shoulda kept my big trap shut.

I cancelled my regularly scheduled teaching to go to the audition, I cancelled going to a screening with my bf to work the Betty job, and was pressing to shoot the unstitched stuff later in the day so I could "do it all."

And then...

Filming is pushed to next weekend.  My new Betty position - the bosslady is  sick.  Her assistant (wait... who was I supposed to be? Assistant #2??) will call back if they decide they want me still. The only thing I have left is my audition on Sunday.  Aaaand just like that, my weekend opened up again.

wiiiide open.  

Not quite what I was looking for! Time to create my own destiny.  dun dun dunnnnnn

Misconception or I should have known better

Remember when I used to work shopping for children?

I'll take this cute one, salesclerk.  Make sure you include the receipt.

Well, I got a chance to work on the other end of that. And boy was that juice not worth the squeeze.

My current part-time job is working for a 70+ year old acting a modeling school teaching kids and teens.  The curriculum is a 10 week course, and so far I have only subbed a few classes.  This past weekend I got the opportunity to work one of the recruiting events, or "free workshop" classes designed to entice kids to take the classes.

I got the email and it said to be there by 9:30AM, and there would be "workshops" at 10, 12, 3 and 5 and that lunch would be provided.  I figured that the last workshop would be maybe an hour or so and that I would be done by 6:30 or 7:00PM at the latest.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

We didn't start the first workshop until about 10:30 or 10:45AM due to technical difficulties, and the workshops were lasting anywhere from 2-3 hours EACH. That is 2-3 hours of trying to entertain kids ranging from 6-18 years old. Two to three hours of wrangling bored parents into clapping for everyone and who could care less about any other child but their own.  And then repeat these tasks for FOUR different workshops. The last workshop of the day started at about 6:30PM and I was not done until almost 9:00PM. I barely got 30 minutes to scarf down the free lunch provided (a soggy Subway sandwich) and was standing in my heels practically the whole day.  And YES I would like some cheese with my whine.

If I didn't like the regular teaching gig so much/it didn't pay as well as it does I would have walked out of there at about 5PM, giving them a few choice words not fit for young ears.  But.  I would like to continue to work for them.  So.  I stayed.  But now I know.  If they ever want me to work a "free workshop" day again, they can go fuck themselves.

you're listening to radio KWTF

I hope I'm not bursting anyone's bubble, but one of my favorite gigs is "live" radio shows.  You know on morning shows when they have listeners call in and air their dirty laundry? Many times that is not real... those are actors improvising a setup thought up by some producer.

*POP*

Today I got to "call in" to a radio show in Southern California and say that my "husband" bought me a treadmill on Amazon for Christmas and I know this because the confirmation email came to me and I am upset because I don't want a treadmill.  Now sometimes you get to chat with the DJs for a while and sometimes it is quick.  I had a whole back-story planned: I mentioned to my sister that I was thinking about starting to workout and my husband must have overheard.  I can appreciate the lengths he went to to find an original gift that I might actually like, but does he secretly think I'm fat? Is he giving me a hint? He must not be attracted to me anymore. Doesn't he know that treadmills are expensive and I would rather have had a vacation??? And does he not know that our place is small??  We don't have room for a treadmill.  If he really wanted to buy me something insulting a gym membership would have been better; at least that is something that I would use. Jeez.

Ooooh snap. (sassy hair whip)

Sadly, I think the bit was about 90 seconds and I barely even got out the explanation of why I knew that he bought me the treadmill.  All that back story for nuthin'.

Well, if any of you are in SoCal tomorrow listening to morning radio and hear a familiar story, you'll know it was because my husband is a complete ass and doesn't realize you never buy a woman an appliance for christmas.

that's a fake smile if I ever saw one/going to withhold sex for two months