"it gets better"

week one at the new job.
hours worked: 35
monies earned: $200
estimated hourly wage: $5.71

I've been told I'm "really good" at this job so far and that it will "get easier." I feel a little like I'm caught in an anti-bullying campaign with how many people have told me that it "gets better."  (It Gets Better Project) Seeing as how I had about 1.5 days of training and it is really up to me to figure things out (ie: product knowledge, how the phone works, etc) maybe it is not so bad.  Everyone keeps telling me that I'm learning really fast... how long did it take these people to start making money?? 'Cause it isn't exactly rolling in for me right now.  Mama isn't even making minimum wage at this point.

Sigh... I guess I'll give it a little time.

and we shall see how the cookie crumbles.

Speaking of cookie, I was craving one this afternoon (coincidentally right before yoga) and stopped at the Belwood Bakery on the way.  I've never been there before but driven past a billion times.  I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie, thinking that was a safe bet at a place I've not been to before.  Boy was I wrong! Dry, crumb-y, and crummy! I mean, I still ate the whole thing but I almost didn't! How does a bakery mess up a chocolate chip cookie!?!?!? *FAIL*

lesson learned. mostly.

Note to self: going to yoga after eating a giant bowl (or two bowls) of pasta and cheese not such a great idea.

"Mr. Yuck"

Especially when you're expected to do twisting poses.

hurl

Not sure how I powered through without barfing.  And you'd think I would learn my lesson after yesterday evening, but apparently I decided to eat my weight in homemade potato salad (you've just got to taste it -- it is delicious) juuuust before class tonight.  Seriously, am I a glutton for punishment? Because when you're doing shoulder stand and all you can see is your gut hanging out, it is NOT attractive.

notice her completely flat stomach

Here's how this works for everyone *except* this woman above, who clearly is an alien from another planet called Flatstomachon 5.  You start out by doubling over on yourself with your feet over your head.  This feels "amazing" because your fat rolls are crushing each other trying to compete for space with your lungs.  Then you wedge your elbows and hands under yourself for extra support and hoist your legs up into the air.  At this point, your shirt starts to fall toward your chest threatening to expose your blubber.  You grasp at your shirttails while trying not to fall over.  With fistfulls of shirt, your belly is still somewhat protruding because you've grabbed your "flowy" shirt tight to your body to keep it from pooling up around your armpits.  You don't believe me? Give it a whirl. See how good your belly looks in this position.

As I've said before, I refuse to be a heifer and join the ranks of Lowered Expectations. Or as our former president George W. Bush said, "There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you.  Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.” – Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video clip; listen to audio clip) So from now on, only reasonable amounts of food before yoga.  Unless its really really really delicious.

Fun with Pix Part IV (and a poem)

His username is Venkman...

le sigh

So I kind of admire this guy for putting all his "cards" on the table.  And by "cards" I mean "idiosyncrasies."  And by "idiosyncrasies" I mean "never left puberty/stunted emotional growth/living in a fantasyland."

I feel as though I should write an ode to this desperately awkward guy:

I know you love your Star Trek
Wars! Star Wars! (oh, heck)
The DeLorean gave you a chub
Kevin Smith you got to hug
Darth Vader you wanted to be
Or at least get to fight for UFC
Hot brunettes on each of your arms
Boxed toys are your lucky charms
Action figures in mint condition
Sex with a girl - you're still wishin'
Maybe online dating is the way to go
All your oddities she'll already know
"Plus one" at Comic-Con
your costumes she will don
Role-play of D&D
She'll want to, you see
True love may alight from the lightsaber
you got as a boy; it was a party-favor
How you swing it like Han
For her, you're the only one
A gold bikini like Leia wore
Is a must for the play-fore
And you'll ride off into the sunset
in your 1998 dodge stratus... 

Ok, ok that last one didn't rhyme but give me a little poetic license will ya? Ooooh maybe I should enter it into a poetry contest! I could win over $35,000 in cash and gift prizes! 'Cause you know I'd win.  This is poetry gold I'm tellin ya.  GOLD.

can't I just be independently wealthy already?

I've started this new Life Alert job (see: cheesy 80's commercial) and had planned to hit the ground running since it's commission only.  Mama needs some dough! Buuuut the people at Plum Two staffing agency had gotten me a phone interview and even rescheduled from last week while I was in the alternate reality so I felt obligated to wait by the phone.  She assured me they would be calling at 10AM, so I'm on hyper-alert for any peep from my phone starting at about 9:45.

I know, I know, my cell's out of date.  I'm waiting for the iPhone 5.

Tick tock.  10:10 my phone is silent.  I check it to make sure it's charged and at the ready.  Yep.  Full bars and full battery.  10:15 no call.  It must be working because I've received texts and emails.  Ok, I'll give it five more minutes.  10:20 I have officially wasted 20 (plus) minutes of my day waiting for some stupid job interview over the phone (so you know there will be at least one or two more interviews after this) and still no phone call!

I call Tracy*, my rep at Plum Two, and she says she'll put out an email right away.  I wait around a little longer then I just say screw this and eat lunch and go to my job that I already have. At about 2:30 Tracy leaves a message to ask how the interview went.  I email her that I never heard from them.

I mean, honestly people, do you really want to work for a company that doesn't call when they say they will? Yeah, me either.

*not sure why I really give a shit about protecting these people's names... maybe I'll start using the real ones. 

oh no you di'int

Went down to SD this weekend for my bestie's bachelorette party.  This isn't her first rodeo in the wedding arena so she didn't really want to do the whole fake-veil/penis-straw/feather-boa route but rather a dignified dinner at a wine bar.  I obligingly did not purchase any traditional bachelorette accoutrements.

Well, multiple bottles of wine later, a latecomer to the party brought the very classy penis-wine-charms which instantly became earrings and nose-rings.  Never underestimate a woman in her 30s or 40s to revert to immaturity when wine is mixed with penii.

Anyway lets just say the evening ended with my tongue not working anymore (slurring much?) and the cabbie offering us a beer for the ride home.  Oh, and me texting Herman*...

Mmmmmyeah.  I had to clean that mess up the next morning! Luckily he seemed to get a chuckle out of the whole situation.  But really, not my finest hour nor my best "move" in trying to nab a man.  Drunk-text is soooo not attractive in the wooing, especially when one has already been rejected.

Finally, I will say that there are an inordinate amount of HOTTIES in San Diego! I think there was a perpetual piece of drool hanging out of my slack-jawed mouth all weekend! Surfers, cyclists, runners, OH MY! Hmmm maybe I should move my search for a BF down south?

I've fallen, and I can't get up!

my lips are sealed. mostly.

Participated in "reality" today... I've signed several NDA's so I can't really say anything here, buuuuuuut I will say that out of 12 girls two of them had meltdowns and almost walked off the show.  I mean, honestly, I know we were all basically volunteers but I also would have thought we'd all know that this is a TV show and therefore just for fun.  Drama queens!

Ahh! I'm being forced to drink wine and have fun!

I felt sorry for the production crew that had to talk these girls down off the ledge.  One girl was in a snit because she didn't get picked by the bachelor-dude (uhmmm, hello??? neither did the rest of us! the point of the show is he can only pick one girl) and the other thought she was being discriminated against because of her hair color.  Sure, Sweetie, you're the only one here with that hair color except 6 or 7 other girls.  *sigh* LADIES! Put on your BGP and GET OVER IT!!!

Best part of the day? Aside from the spectacular people-watching of my other castmates, I had the best fucking breakfast sammie ever. mmmmm eggs, brie, avocado, lettuce, tomato, and multi-grain bread.  (insert Homer Simpson drool moment here) :

she works hard for her money

I feel really dumb.  This weekend job I've been working for a month now is not exactly *hard* to do, but somehow I've only managed to make any kind of decent moolah one of the weekends and the other three have been crap.  Damn 1099-commission-only jobs.

I'm filming that reality show episode this week (egads!) and providing I don't meet the love of my life I'll be back to ... er, ...reality by thursday.  If I do make a love connection we'll film the date thur/fri.  Probably.  Either way I will be back at this stupid weekend job again this weekend.  If I don't figure this dumb simple job out by then I'm gonna have to cut my losses.  I mean, if I'm an idiot then I'm an idiot but lets not harp on the matter.

you little harpy

Speaking of 1099-commission-only, Thursday I am in training for another one.  Gah! Am I short some braincells? Remember that one time that was right now that I was complaining about these kinds of jobs???

*drool*

So it is summer, and there's nothing on TV.  I turn to my Hulu Plus for a little mind-numbing entertainment.  There's really nothing on, so I decide to watch a few minutes of The Choice, which is basically The Voice but instead of singing for the celebs you get to date them.

Sweet baby jesus why oh WHY did I not audition for this reality show instead? You know who one of the celebs was?

ONE OF THE HOTTTTTTTEST MEN ALIVE

Tyson Hotford.  I mean, Beckford.  Seriously? How does one human have so much hotness? And he's not stupid! Like, he can hold a conversation! Although if I were out with him, I might be rendered speechless.  Now there'd be a feat.

Ooooh, I know! Let's fill this blog with more pix of Tyson.

You wanna take a dip in my pool, Tyson? 

Tyson, you "suit" me just fine. 

Oh Tyson, let's not make a "spectacle" of ourselves, shall we? 

OMG I love sushi too! We have so much in common. 

And now that I've sufficiently made myself look like a stalker, I'll just gather my spycam, telephoto lenses, and Surveillance System and pretend none of this ever happened.  Lalalalalalaaaaa

is this the beginning of the end?

I auditioned for reality TV today... due to certain NDA's I can't really say anything else about it, but lets just say it is a dating show and I'll be one of many girls.

Oh what is my life coming to? Reality TV? Me??? oy vay... eh, at least it pays a couple hundred bucks.

FREE LUNCH

I've been working this weekend job doing recruiting for a kids' acting studio for three weeks now.  It is commission only and the first two weekends I didn't make much money at all.  This job has the potential to pay hundreds of dollars per weekend but I was most assuredly NOT making that kind of cash.  I figured I'd give it one more weekend (call it a learning curve) and if I didn't make any real cashola, cut my losses.

Well, I get a call on Monday from one of my bosses and he is inviting me and a few of the other peeps to go to Catalina for the day for free, including a free lunch! Wow! Sure! I ask him how well I did this past weekend and he says he doesn't know for sure but well enough for him to include me in the free trip to Catalina!!!

Should be called DRUNKTALINA instead of CATALINA Island

Well, the trip was not without drama -- one girl was seasick on the ferry, so another girl gave her a half of a vicadin that she washed down with a shot and a glass of wine.  And then a couple more drinks on the beach.  She was a little out of control.  And by a little I mean a lot. Then later in the day some other girls were having such a good time that they were thinking about staying over.  But then after the one girl put down her credit card for the room for the night the other girls tried to bail.  Blah Blah Blah DRAMA. Let me just point out that in each of these drama-cases were the ladies in their 20's.  This shit just doesn't go down with women in their 30's. Not that I would know *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Square One

crestfallen: ass in a sling, blue, cast down, chapfallen, dejected, depressed, despondent, disconsolate, discouraged, disheartened, dispirited, down, down in the dumps, downcast, downhearted, in a funk, inconsolable, low, sad, singing the blues, taken down

so yesterday's plans for me to meet Herman's* friends got cancelled because it was all the way down in Irvine, CA and he was planning of making a day of it.  OK, fine.  So we made plans to have dinner tonight.  Well, I suggest ordering food to my house.  He likes this idea. Whoopee! We are having a fun romantic evening in. Well, after dinner, some snuggling on the couch and a wee bit of making out, he drops the bomb that he is not looking for a relationship right now as he just got out of a relationship six or so weeks ago!!!!! WELL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ONLINE DATING FOR THEN?????? 

Exploding around my heart

Stupid dumb idiotic cupid.  Take your fucking arrows and shove them somewhere completely devoid of sunshine.  Somewhere very dark and gloomy indeed. 


*name changed for some reason I cannot think of right now.  

NILP

Nothing better than a good "date" with your NILP. What's a NILP, you say? I'm so glad you asked!

Back when I was working a guy came in to interview and was gushing that his NILP was moving to town and he was just sooooo excited to see her! Well this marvelously darlingly flaming young man was just cute as a button and even brought his NILP (oh right - Non Intimate Life Partner) in to meet us at the store! Well, she was a gorgeous yet reserved (read: snotty) little thing and they were clearly platonically in love.  I decided then and there that I should have a NILP too!

My friend NILP Doug has been such a rock for me over the years.  We met at NYU, had slumber parties in the dorms, talked about boys together, drank way too much booze and coffee and overall always had marvelous times.  He is about to move to London for a year and I couldn't miss the chance to see him while he is visiting LA for a few days.

We chatted over burgers at the always delicious Laurel Tavern and per usual shared about boys and work and life. I look at him and it makes me feel not quite so bad about being single - that I'm not the only one.  He is cute, funny, successful and swishingly darling man and somehow single! So I guess the fact that so many of my girlfriends are head-over-heels shouldn't make me want to commit myself to the nunnery just yet.

come here you little harlot!

rule breaker

ok so remember that one time day-before-yesterday that I was all "woe is me" and "look at the pretty little white girl with enough food to eat and a roof over her head and feel sorry for her because the boy she likes isn't being as attentive as she wants" and "would you like some wine with that whine? (yes, please)" because the lead contender from the man-candy-store hadn't contacted me? Wellllll, I may have sent him one eensy-weensy little textypoo at 10:30pm that night.  And he may or may not have responded asking me if I had plans for the next day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so he didn't ask me out 3 days in advance (hello, "the rules" do work y'all) and I shouldn't have texted him at 10:30 at night, buuuuuut I got what I wanted /slash/ I'm a rule breaker /slash/ I'm a total weakling. (incedentally, google images of "weakling" produces one of Justin Bieber.  bahahahahaa!)

Despite my belief in certain rules of dating and my subsequent failure to adhere, yesterday Herman* picks me up and takes me to a lovely little spot in Burbank for brunch.  Fun, easy conversation, and then after we pick up a coffee and head over to a local park where we walk and sit and chat and then oh holy heck look at the time! mama's gotta get to her fourth of july shindig.  Get me home, loverboy!

One of the things I like about this guy is he always "takes me home/to my car" rather than "drops me off/lets me out." What I mean by that is after our date he parks the car, turns off the ignition, gets out and walks me to the door. Most guys would pull up outside and put the car in park and wait for you to get out.

Blah, blah, blah get to the point!!! So the BIG NEWS is that he invited me to accompany him to a birthday party on Saturday! I'm meeting the friends! Woohoo! ...ohmygod ...what am I going to wear!?!?




*name changed to protect the innocent

Poor Pitiful Pearl

I worked on a show back in 2007 and became insta-besties with three other girls also working on said show.  As happens, time passed and we all drifted our separate ways.  Well, we met up for dinner and drinks tonight and it was as if no time had passed!  We chatted about sex (good, bad, ugly), kissing (mostly my terrible experience), work, roommates, and baby's breath (the filler-flower).

As we were all going around sharing what we've been up to for the past 2,3,4 years since we've all hung out together, each one shares how they are living with or dating the love of their lives. All except poor little ole' me.

look at my widdle wip twembling

To add insult to injury, out of the three contenders from the man-candy-site, the one I really like hasn't contacted me since Sunday, when I texted him. Boo-sauce.  And tomorrow being fourth of July, the two guys I'm less interested in both wanted to do something with me.  I know, I know, first-world problems. Something tells me this might not be what I'm complaining about if I were living in, say, Darfur.  Although if I lived in Darfur, I wouldn't be celebrating the fourth of July tomorrow either since that's really quite the American holiday... amazing to think that all over the world, right this very minute, people are living their lives.  Some little girl in China is coming home from school; and old man in Russia is drunk on vodka, somewhere in Amsterdam's red light district a young woman is gyrating her body for a high-as-a-kite American tourist and laughing at his idiocy, and none of them give a whit about my problems! Time to pull on my big girl panties and GET OVER IT. *winkandsmile*

50 Shades

So a friend loaned me Fifty Shades of Grey and now all I want to do is read.  This happens to me sometimes with books.  Recently I read The Hunger Games Trilogy and it only took me four days to read the three books.

Here's how it works.  I pick up a really good book. (which, to be fair, Fifty Shades isn't exactly a "really good book," but it sure is engaging) I start to read before bed one night.  I stay up wayyyyyy too late with my eyelids propped up ala A Clockwork Orange .

A Clockwork Orange

Finally the words won't come unjumbled on the page and I know I must sleep.  My dreams are dictated by whatever I am reading.  The next morning I drag my exhausted butt out of bed and somehow manage to do whatever I have for the day.  If I don't have anything planned, there is a good chance I may not get out of bed, but simply reach over to the nightstand and read until I'm so hungry that I have to get up and eat.  I will then read at any point in the day as is convenient for as long as the schedule will allow.  Repeat until book is done. Lament that book is finished. Find another book...

As of now, I'm still looking for solid income so I really can't be doing this! And certainly it can't be good for my social/dating life as this creates some really un-sexy bags under my eyes.  Seriously, if this keeps up, I'm going to look like a haggard troll.  Let me essplain.  No sleep, so I'm too tired to exercise or do yoga (and bags under eyes).  No working out, so I'm fat.  I'm fat, so I don't have energy to work out.  I don't work out so I don't sleep well, so I'm tired, so I have bags under my eyes!!! Ahhhhh!!! Keep me from this fate!

Anybody know a good book I could read? ...

Old Friends (who're you calling OLD???)

"Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'lest you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of."  ~ Sarah Orne Jewett

So I had lunch this week with an old friend I haven't seen in at least a year.  It was so great to catch up with her! I almost didn't go, because as you all know I don't exactly have tons of cash flowing into my bank account at the moment.  Well, not only did she have a groupon (ie: paid for lunch) but she had a suggestion for a job!! And it pays well! And its not horrendous! And it is flexible! And I'm calling on Tuesday to see about setting up an interview!

Praise Jeebus!

Angels Singing

 Kittens are cute:

This pic came up when I google'd "hark the herald angels sing"