Take me BACK!

You might remember that I thought one of the tinderdudes was going to be boyfriend material. I was going to write the whole saga, but then I realized it was long and drawn-out and I didn't want to give any more effort to a guy not worth my time.

Borrring

Let's just say he couldn't handle life and a relationship at the same time and leave it at that.

As I return to the tinders however, I am rethinking things and considering begging him to take me back...

the little tyke just won't stay down...

His "about me" is incomplete. It should be "...camping, fishing, reading, football, ... drowning small children."

At first I thought he was attempting a funny face (and failing) but after looking at the rest of his pictures I realized his face got frozen this way. His mother should have warned him.

He's 34... right. And I'm 17. I mean, there's someone for everyone, right? Even vegan satanists. I'm pretty sure the southern Baptists I grew up with think everyone in California is like this dude.

And this guy I'm fairly certain is homeless and lives near the freeway underpass by my house.

Dear Tinderdude that was almost my BF,
PLEASE for the love of all things Tinder, take me BACK!!!
Maybe you'll grow up one of these days and be a man. I'll take my chances! Thank you.
Sincerely,
Willing to Settle (but not totally)

no butts about it

Tinder likes butts and they cannot lie
These pictures can't deny
when a man swipes in with a nudie pic and a butt crack in my face I swipe LEFT. 

because ewww. gross.

I'm no Sir Mix-a-Lot and these guys shouldn't have put it all out there for the interwebs to have until eternity.

Bedbug - er, butt

Muscle butt

You can pick your friends, you can pick your butt, but please don't pick your friend's butts

Sudsy butt

butt selfie

butt ring

Beach Bum!!

Mortal Kombat

In my quest to find fun new ways to workout, I have been trying the classes at the gym. Tonight's class was a pseudo boxing-karate-MMA workout called Bodycombat. I have to say there were more men in this group exercise class than any other class I've ever taken.... and I can understand why. It was like we were in a real-life version of a video game.

Imagine kicking and punching to this soundtrack:

The songs played didn't have the actual words "Mortal Kombat" to them, but you could use your imagination. And clearly these dudes were imagining themselves as such.

Hiiii-YAH!!

and

HUUUUHNAHH!!!

and

I am fierce ninja warrior!

so that they could ultimately (never) get this

Who, by the way, in reality would look more like this

Why do the women in video games always have huge inflated fake boobies that always seem to be missing nipples? Either that or the doc botched the job so bad the nips are no longer in the center of the boob...

I think I will file that with the questions of why some men think porn is real, why some people watch Fox News and think it is real, or why some people think global warming isn't real. *shakes head* *rolls eyes* *eats a cookie*

Fly away, little trolls

Redbull Tinder gives you wings, apparently.

I saw maybe 3 or 4 guys with these "wing" pictures before I started snapping screenshots. They are almost as prevalent as dude with dog/tiger/kid/faraway land pictures.

I mean, really? Ugh. Get me some Redbull, stat, so I can fly the f*ck out of here.

Douchery: Part Two

Remember that one time I joined Tinder? I was flabbergasted by the number of atrocious profile pix I encountered in the first 24 hours of membership. There were so many I didn't want to overwhelm by putting them all in one entry. You can see Douchery: Part One here, and read on to see the rest.

These are by far more horrifying than the ones you've already seen. *shudders*

Y'all keep in mind this is his MAIN PHOTO used to attract members of the opposite sex. Eww. I do not want to see your little black curlies peeking over the top of your pants nor do I need to see the outline of your manbits in the fabric. This is so much more offensive than your standard shirtless picture. Dear darling idiot Jacob, I almost hope you thought you were posting on Grindr not Tinder, because that is who it looks like you are trying to attract.

My guess is Sergio has a small penis. Why else would your main profile picture be a phallus gun? Also, if I were to go out with him I would be more than a little scared. If you advertise yourself as a gun, I worry that you are abusive, controlling, and an asshole. No, no, not all gun owners are these things, just like #notallmen rhetoric. But not all gun owners put their gun in a place their face should be.

Look, I am not a prude (well, maybe a little) and am cool with whatever y'all want to do to each other consensually in the privacy of your homes. But in "public"? In the everlasting world of the internets where things NEVER DISAPPEAR??? Obscene. And what is it with guys with armband/tribal tattoos wearing women's things? (see my prior post if you haven't already)

Yes, that is a man wiping his ass with the American flag. It was so unbelievable that I had to look twice too. Let me be clear - I am the first to fight for free speech. My mother is a librarian, for chrisssakes. I have never been through a nudescope at the airport because I feel it violates my rights. I have the most extremely opposite views of Westboro Baptists but would fight for their right to speak their minds; and I love that we live in a country where we can all say what we want and not go to jail for it. All that being said, I do not want to see someone basically taking a dump in front of me on a dating site.

So maybe it is reallyreallyreally important that you let me know you own a gun, or that you shit on America. You can have up to six pictures, put it in as number three or four. Or even better, write about it in your bio. I know, you only get 500 words in the bio section and a picture is worth 1000, but sometimes brevity is best.

Douchery: Part One

Apparently all the cool kids are using Tinder for dating these days, so I thought I would try it next. Because I am nothing if not cool. *quakes with laughter*

I will say I am enjoying the expediency of knocking through the losers and fuglys and the "I couldn't be bothered to write anything for my profile" guys. I can swipe left like nobody's business. But I have to say the number of wierdos I have encountered in less than 24 hours of participation is astounding.

Let's look at a few, shall we? We'll start with some of the milder offenders.

This one isn't particularly offensive, but your main picture is not only of three dudes (which one are you), but they are all masked??? How did Ryan think this would be the best pic to invite someone to swipe right? (or click the green heart, as it were) An easy "NO."

I actually gotta give this guy some credit for originality. It takes something to not only purposely give yourself that tan line but to blast it to the internets/potential mates. *notice I left alone the tribal tattoo and the armband tattoo. I have nothing if not tact. ;)

Do you remember the "hot felon?" Well Christopher decided to entice the ladies with that criminal's mugshot. I went ahead and clicked through to see what he really looked like and let's just say disappointed doesn't even begin to cover it. Don't tease me with sexy hottttness and then you be, uhm, not.

Perhaps he thought that the ladies would swoon over the fact that he is a singer. I am mildly horrified that we have 11 friends in common on facebook.

Ok lovies, that's enough for now... more scandalous pix from the first 24 hours of Tinder coming soon!

GRATITUDE

One week ago I was challenged by one of my oldest friends to publicly list on Facebook three things I was grateful for each day for a week.  What an amazing challenge. I may complain a lot, but I really do have so many wonderful things and people in my life.  Big realizations:

1. I am not my circumstances.  And, my circumstances are pretty good - uhm, hello? First world country? Yes please.

2. I have some truly amazing people in my life.

3. I really love wine.

What was wonderful is I was able to challenge some people who don't normally post mushy gushy motivational positive shit on their updates. I was also able to spread it to several different friend-groups.

So here's my challenge to you, dear reader, give it a go. List three things each day you are grateful for. And you can't list them in your head. You gotta facebook, insta, tweet, vine your gratefuls.  The good news is you can challenge others! Let's do this. Let's spread some goodness in this world.

Here are three images I found under the search "spread love."

Awwww...

Uhmm...

what the...

And just a final note... I found these images on Bing.  Yes, that's right, I said BING.com.  Wtf happened to Google search? It used to be that you could look at the pictures without being taken to the host website, and now, you can't preview the picture bigger than it's thumbnail, you click and it takes you to the site (whatever site that may be...) which might be a site you don't want to go to and sometimes the advertised picture isn't even there! What the hell is the world coming to that I would actively choose BING??? (sigh) Grateful Shmateful.

***UPDATE***
apparently it is my dumb old computer that makes google image search shitty. I have an older version of Safari that can't be upgraded unless I upgrade my computer. Shitty computer. But I don't want to buy a new one, so... shitty old computer is my computer for now.

Ain't that a sexy beast? 

that's Madam PRINCESS to you

Well, finally I have ARRIVED. Bakersfield has crowned their queen and it is ME!!! 

When I arrived at work today and walked into the room where I teach, smack dab right where I usually preside over the minions was this:

uhm HELLO??? yes please.

seems so natural, doesn't it?

I suppose if I have to suffer through a hellish drive and then dealing with peasants, at least I am finally being treated like the royalty I am.


If you lowly servants need anything, I'll be reconnecting with my humble roots and my miniscule bank account. Ta-ta!

Charles Manson isn't dead...

He is looking for a date.

And giving rides to felines as though he were one of Cleopatra's pack mules.

Ha! 

... I think it might be time to try out a different dating site.

fingers crossed

So I only have two days left at this horrible job, and of course, today of all days, I actually make some decent money on my shift.  Granted, I'm not exactly bringing home name-brand bacon , it is more like government ration pork rinds, but it is at least (almost) worthy of the time I put in.

bringing home the bacon

Have I made a mistake in quitting? Have I finally just now gotten the hang of this damn job? Maybe I should rescind my resignation?

...OK, let's not be too hasty.

(I don't know what this is, but I love it.)

Let's see how the next couple of days go and then make our final decision.

NO, Regis, it is NOT my final answer.  Jeez. 

If I make a decent amount of money again even one time in the next two days, I will consider staying on.  My trainer wants me to stay, my boss wants me to stay, but I cannot put in more time without being compensated.  Especially when the circumstances around the job are not what they were advertised to be. Crossing fingers (and toes) that this could actually work out.  I really really really don't want to have to look for a job again....

fun with pix part 5? 6? what number are we on?

Dear men,  

Please do not ever ever ever ever make the ducklips fish face in your online dating profile.  Unless you want to turn off every woman that looks at it... 

this is just NOT ok.  

Sincerely, 

Who-am-I-to-be-giving-dating-advice-clearly-I-haven't-found-a-man.

Stripper Bootcamp

(First, hit play on the video above. Listen as you read this post.)

No doubt when you read the title of this entry you had an image in your mind that looked something along these lines:

Oscar worthy

Mmmyeah notsomuch.  Tonight I went to another class with my stripper groupon.  Apparently they are doing a Halloween show, and they will be teaching some of the choreography in class.  First, warmups.  These include pelvic thrusts and other gyrations on the floor.  The teacher is Chubbs, the one who sounds like a mix between Charlie Brown's teacher and a hyena, and she barks at us orders like "hips up! up higher! HIGHER!!!"

pretty much just like this

Next, and this is where it really felt like bootcamp, we did some "across the floor" work.  We did something called the "vagina monster" one way across the room, and then back across the floor was sexy-crawling alternating with humping motions.  I'm sure it was supposed to be sexy-ish, but it was more like this:

(for fun, google images "vagina monster." it won't look like this. )

Then we did one twirl combination around the pole, and finally we got chairs to learn some choreography. (are you listening to the song?)

Let me tell you, Chubbs is not now, nor ever been a dancer.  How do I know? On teaching the dance, there was nary an 8 count or even a lyric to put the moves to.  There was an occasional move that went to a word in the song, but it was questionable whether one would actually hit the beat at that moment because you had no format to go on, no idea if a particular move was supposed to be fast or slow.  And drill instructor Chubbs was barking orders all the while, expecting you to know approx 32 counts after watching her do it twice.  (if this is greek to you, just know that normally you'd learn 8 counts at a time) "HIP, HIP, BOOTY!" "FAN KICK, STAND, WIGGLE!" "WALK WALK, LEG, SIT!"

I left wishing the owner had been teaching.  She calls us all "beautiful" and "godesses" and always tells us how "amazing" we are doing even if we look completely spastic like a cockroach being sprayed with Raid.  Instead, we got the fatty-stripper-nazi yelling at us and in no way celebrating femininity or grace.  My 30 days will be over on the 11th, and I think I will chalk this up as a "learning experience" and move on to the next.