Douchery: Part Two

Remember that one time I joined Tinder? I was flabbergasted by the number of atrocious profile pix I encountered in the first 24 hours of membership. There were so many I didn't want to overwhelm by putting them all in one entry. You can see Douchery: Part One here, and read on to see the rest.

These are by far more horrifying than the ones you've already seen. *shudders*

Y'all keep in mind this is his MAIN PHOTO used to attract members of the opposite sex. Eww. I do not want to see your little black curlies peeking over the top of your pants nor do I need to see the outline of your manbits in the fabric. This is so much more offensive than your standard shirtless picture. Dear darling idiot Jacob, I almost hope you thought you were posting on Grindr not Tinder, because that is who it looks like you are trying to attract.

My guess is Sergio has a small penis. Why else would your main profile picture be a phallus gun? Also, if I were to go out with him I would be more than a little scared. If you advertise yourself as a gun, I worry that you are abusive, controlling, and an asshole. No, no, not all gun owners are these things, just like #notallmen rhetoric. But not all gun owners put their gun in a place their face should be.

Look, I am not a prude (well, maybe a little) and am cool with whatever y'all want to do to each other consensually in the privacy of your homes. But in "public"? In the everlasting world of the internets where things NEVER DISAPPEAR??? Obscene. And what is it with guys with armband/tribal tattoos wearing women's things? (see my prior post if you haven't already)

Yes, that is a man wiping his ass with the American flag. It was so unbelievable that I had to look twice too. Let me be clear - I am the first to fight for free speech. My mother is a librarian, for chrisssakes. I have never been through a nudescope at the airport because I feel it violates my rights. I have the most extremely opposite views of Westboro Baptists but would fight for their right to speak their minds; and I love that we live in a country where we can all say what we want and not go to jail for it. All that being said, I do not want to see someone basically taking a dump in front of me on a dating site.

So maybe it is reallyreallyreally important that you let me know you own a gun, or that you shit on America. You can have up to six pictures, put it in as number three or four. Or even better, write about it in your bio. I know, you only get 500 words in the bio section and a picture is worth 1000, but sometimes brevity is best.

patchouli.

aka barfouli. aka stinkouli. aka gagouli. aka worse-than-old-lady-perfume-ouli.

I apologize to anyone that might wear the stench perfume patchouli, but the malodor feels to me like someone hot boxed some incense in my nose and the hot box was made of stabby things up through my nostrils to my brain. And for some reason 99.99999% of the people that wear patchouli put so much on that you can smell it from about a mile away.

granted, any perfume that you can smell from over 20 feet away is an affront.  I think this every time I pass an old lady that has been wearing the same perfume her whole adult life and now can no longer smell it/takes a bath in it. But for some reason, when someone has slathered themselves in patchouli (as happened this evening) I feel as though I am being assaulted.

Tonight this woman was wearing being owned by patchouli and it was all I could do to be around her without gagging. I tried as politely as possible to keep my hand around my nose so I would smell my own hand rather than her, and also kept as far away as possible, taking care to hold my breath around her and then make sure to breathe OUT first before breathing IN after I had left her general vicinity (and by general vicinity I mean a 25 foot radius) so that any smell that had snuck up in my nose might be expelled before I had to breathe in.

seriously, I want to tell anyone that thinks patchouli smells nice. just don't. If you must enjoy it, buy the incense sticks and burn out in your yard/patio/balcony/wooded area. But PLEASE, PLEASE keep it away from me. It smells so fucking foul that it makes me want to run away from you. And you might be a very nice person.

gahhhh I feel violated...

the smell of desperation

It kind of has a sweet stench, like burnt hair or air freshener sprayed just after someone drops a load in the terlet.

YES, I blurred her email.  Y'all don't need to be up in her bidness.

Poor little girl, little does she know she's on the road to Chatsworth (click the link and look at #1) As much as I complain about my shitty jobs and how bad it is to look for a job, at least I am not posting on CL looking for someone who likes a thick mixed girl cloaked in the air of desperation. Especially since I'm about 20-25 pounds lighter than her and about as white as a person could be.

Now get out there and look for my pony.  See if you can find it on "missed connections." The ad might read something like this:

Missing your pony pretty little white girl? Why don't you cry to daddy and see if he will buy you another one. 

True story, I went to high school with a kid from an affluent family (white boy) who, on his 16th birthday was the proud recipient of a slightly used Jeep Wrangler.  He promptly wrecked it, so his parents got him a mid-range SUV.  Guess what? He wrecked that one too. So they bought him a brand-spankin-new Porsche 911.  How does this make sense? White people are dumb.

bahahahahaha he's an Aggie!!!

she works hard for her money

I feel really dumb.  This weekend job I've been working for a month now is not exactly *hard* to do, but somehow I've only managed to make any kind of decent moolah one of the weekends and the other three have been crap.  Damn 1099-commission-only jobs.

I'm filming that reality show episode this week (egads!) and providing I don't meet the love of my life I'll be back to ... er, ...reality by thursday.  If I do make a love connection we'll film the date thur/fri.  Probably.  Either way I will be back at this stupid weekend job again this weekend.  If I don't figure this dumb simple job out by then I'm gonna have to cut my losses.  I mean, if I'm an idiot then I'm an idiot but lets not harp on the matter.

you little harpy

Speaking of 1099-commission-only, Thursday I am in training for another one.  Gah! Am I short some braincells? Remember that one time that was right now that I was complaining about these kinds of jobs???

Craig's List of Crap

A gross overview of craigslist jobs:

• webcam models: make money from your own home! safe! clean!
• work PART-TIME and make $30,000/month! (yeah, right)
• egg donor/surrogate
• jobs I am 100% not qualified for: attorney, plumber, machinest, etc.
• and then plenty of jobs like this:

<working for so-and-so>

Most importantly is your ability to keep the office in order, take calls, make appointments and write letters with the artist (English abilities must be exceptional, many edits are needed in dictation).

Secondly you must be tech savvy. Photoshop experience is highly recommended.

-Experience curating for art shows or galleries.

-Interest in art or working with artists.

-Office administration or business management background is a must.

-Answer phone calls, taking messages, contacting galleries.

-Possesses excellent written and verbal communication skills.

-Excels at multi-tasking with great attention to detail.

-Familiar with various social networking platforms.

-Be skilled, clear and direct in both verbal and written communication.

-Knowledge in sales trends and marketing.

*Full Time 40 Hrs Weekly

-The following is a list of applications and services we use on a regular basis.

Proficiency with mac products,

Adobe Master Suite,

Microsoft Office,

SEO,

Web design,

Wordpress,

Web site management,

Computer networking,

Social media skills a major plus!

ALL FOR $10/HOUR.  

You're kidding, right? I haven't made $10/hour since I worked at a movie theater in college.  This is LA, and you want someone to have all those skills and only pay them ten bucks? You know what that is after taxes, right? You could make more at In-n-Out.   Here's what I have to say about that:

Dollah billz y'all

So it turns out the piece of shit car I bought just about a year ago that is now crashed and wrecked, was actually a gold mine! Ok, well not GOLD exactly, but according to the insurance appraiser, currently worth about $2700 more than what I paid for it. Uhm, what? Are you blind Mr. (or Ms. not to be sexist) Appraiser? That car was a piece of shit! Granted, a Honda piece of shit, but a total stinking pile of poo! 

Whatever appraiser-(wo)man.  I'm stealing your rose-colored glasses from now on.  Going to test-drive a Mazda 3, Nissan Versa, VW Jetta, and Toyota Corolla.  Maybe one of them will drive like a Bentley with your fancy appraiser glasses! Either way, I'm wearing a shit-eating grin.  Pun intended.