mmm... cake.

there's always those random jobs, where you think, how on earth does a person find out about that opportunity?? Things like this:

I imagine the interview process is something like this:

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you have experience attending surprise parties, pulling the old "tap-someone-on-the-other-shoulder gag," and have frequently use the word "sike!" in your vocabulary, but I don't see any experience with baked goods.  How would your previous experience lend itself to your having success in this position?

Potential hire: Well, I know I'm rather inexperienced in this exact position, but I feel that the cumulative results of my previous work will give me a solid platform on which to build a new skill set and enhance my current skills.

Interviewer: Let me ask you how you would react to this situation, because this has actually happened before.  You pop out of the cake, and you get icing in your eye.  What do you do?

Potential hire: Oh wow, that's a tough one.  Well, I am a huge proponent for follow through.  I don't let a little something such as a hiccup in the plan get in my way.  I would simply close that particular eye and let the tears do their work.  I would rather have a few streams of ocular-aquatics down my face than ruin someone's special moment.  I am deeply committed to a strong work ethic.  The show must go on, as they say.

Interviewer: Wonderful! Well, we are seeing a few other applicants this week.  I can't say anything officially, but let's just say I have a good feeling about you.  We will be in touch.  ...

well hellooooo ladies...

Got myself a job interview at a women's only gym.  (or as my dad would say, 'weeeeemen's gym,' pronounced like Oscar Mayer's 'wiener')  even though the last time I worked at a gym I gained weight and was completely micro-managed.  I interviewed with the assistant manager lady and seemed to win her over, although the interview was über-short and felt like she was rushing through it.

She ended the interview by letting me know she would be seeing some other applicants, and would let me know by next Monday.  Why do I feel like I shouldn't be holding my breath?

On a side note, I had to wait a bit in the lobby before my meeting, and I got a look at the clientele... let me just tell you it is most certainly NOT the ladies-only gym of men's fantasies.  The women I saw coming and going were mostly average-sized to overweight and with a few exceptions, all over 40.  PLEASE know that I am not hating on these women! Good for them that they are taking care of themselves and making time for their health.  I'm just saying it's ... well, it is what women would expect a women's only gym would be.

Bahahahahaha! Ha! Ahem. 

Yes.  but maybe less makeup and hairspray.  and after a year's membership. 

Who knows, maybe I'll get the job and look like the lady in the first picture.  Gills and all...

can't I just be independently wealthy already?

I've started this new Life Alert job (see: cheesy 80's commercial) and had planned to hit the ground running since it's commission only.  Mama needs some dough! Buuuut the people at Plum Two staffing agency had gotten me a phone interview and even rescheduled from last week while I was in the alternate reality so I felt obligated to wait by the phone.  She assured me they would be calling at 10AM, so I'm on hyper-alert for any peep from my phone starting at about 9:45.

I know, I know, my cell's out of date.  I'm waiting for the iPhone 5.

Tick tock.  10:10 my phone is silent.  I check it to make sure it's charged and at the ready.  Yep.  Full bars and full battery.  10:15 no call.  It must be working because I've received texts and emails.  Ok, I'll give it five more minutes.  10:20 I have officially wasted 20 (plus) minutes of my day waiting for some stupid job interview over the phone (so you know there will be at least one or two more interviews after this) and still no phone call!

I call Tracy*, my rep at Plum Two, and she says she'll put out an email right away.  I wait around a little longer then I just say screw this and eat lunch and go to my job that I already have. At about 2:30 Tracy leaves a message to ask how the interview went.  I email her that I never heard from them.

I mean, honestly people, do you really want to work for a company that doesn't call when they say they will? Yeah, me either.

*not sure why I really give a shit about protecting these people's names... maybe I'll start using the real ones. 

Old Friends (who're you calling OLD???)

"Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'lest you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of."  ~ Sarah Orne Jewett

So I had lunch this week with an old friend I haven't seen in at least a year.  It was so great to catch up with her! I almost didn't go, because as you all know I don't exactly have tons of cash flowing into my bank account at the moment.  Well, not only did she have a groupon (ie: paid for lunch) but she had a suggestion for a job!! And it pays well! And its not horrendous! And it is flexible! And I'm calling on Tuesday to see about setting up an interview!

Praise Jeebus!

Angels Singing

 Kittens are cute:

This pic came up when I google'd "hark the herald angels sing"

hustlin'

Tentatively excited.  Interviewed for (and was offered) a *JOB*.  Weekend work, somewhat grueling, but the pay is great.  It is marketing and PR, and most of the money comes from bonuses and commissions, so who knows how much I'll actually make, but it looks like it will be around $200-700 in two days.  Mmmmm okeydokey smokey!

I start this weekend, so I can let y'all know how it goes.

*sidebar - did you see how many comma's I used up there? My 4th grade teacher is rolling over in her grave.  Or possibly just rolling over in bed.  Depending on if she's alive. I'm assuming she is.  She wasn't that old when I was in 4th grade, but who knows? I'm not friends with her on Facebook or anything.

kill me now

So remember that job I interviewed for yesterday? Well, they love me, natch.  (I mean, who wouldn't??) Buuuuut what I thought was a job where I could work from home at least some of the time (ie. go out on auditions, goof off, write blogs) It is actually a chained-to-a-desk-and-phone noose-around-my-neck 7a-4p M-F job. Gahhhh!

I mean, I need that paper like whoa, but at what expense? (get it? money:expense? ha. ehhhh)

So I have a second interview today with the big boss man who is apparently going to grill me about how many calls a day I made at my previous jobs, and probably some kind of productivity report or micromanager chart of how I was successful.  Somebody shoot me now.

Isn't there a job that will make me piles of cash but not suck years off of my life?

Big boss man on the left, me on the table. 

Stay tuned... something may be on the horizon...

Dummy McStupidson

So staffing agency Plum Two* had set up an appointment/interview for tomorrow with a cosmetics company.  My rep was supposed to email me a Sample Resume so I could massage my current one to make it look more appropriate, as well as send me company info/website so I could research.  That was Friday.  Guess what I've not received? Mmmmyeahhhhh.  Today my rep calls me to ask if I can come in today instead to interview.  Fine, now I don't have to wake up at 6:30am tomorrow.  Buuuut  I have no idea about this company.  I don't know their website, their customer base, how long they've been in business, not even their NAME.

I'm trying desperately in my mind not to think of this woman at Plum Two as a complete imbecile.  It is not really working.

And really, my resume is decent, I already have the interview, why can't I just talk in the interview and explain how my time spent "cold calling businesses" is actually "outside sales?" Does the interviewer not know that "outside sales" IS "cold-calling?" Because if that is the case, then let me tell you something that person is an idiot and how the hell do they have a job and I don't? Maybe because they don't call people idiots?

Maybe the usual clients of Plum One are complete and total idiots and need personal coaching on how to get a job, how to write a resume, and how to research a company that you are interviewing for . Maybe I just need to suck it up and put on some big girl panties and deal with the fact that I am unemployed and have to put up with moronic imbeciles of iconic proportion.  


*name changed to protect the stupid

interview, interview, interview

Five interviews in four weeks! Whew!
Plus, the temp/perm/staffing agency has two interviews in the works and I had a phone pre-interview yesterday.

I called mom to let her know my progress, and to ask her wizened advice about one of the jobs I've interviewed for.

Well, I was sharing with mom all of this and mom just kind of lays into me about not having a job yet! Uhm hello??? I've been busting my butt to get interviews.  Just because I don't like the job searches you send me doesn't mean I'm not looking for a job! It has been a MONTH! Jeez.

God Bless Texas, but my parents have no idea about the entertainment industry.  A few years back my dad thought I should just "get a job on set, making costumes or building sets or something" to get my foot in the door as an actor.  Bless his heart.  Mom keeps sending me job links to the film studios, even though it is in departments like international contracts or media relations and entry level positions like receptionist or boot licker.  Somehow, in her mind that will get me a job on set eventually.

Maybe that would work.  Here's how that would go down: Day in and day out, I arrive to work on the studio lot and silently cry inside that I am going into a building that has nothing to do with performing, chain myself to a desk and a phone for 8 hours with a small break for eating and sobbing.  On my allotted break from prison work, I would stagger out for food and hope for a drunk delivery truck driver to be in my path.  Instead, I would happen to pass by the Commissary where Spielberg, Judd Apatow and the Cohen Brothers would be having lunch.  And instead of ignoring another peon worker-bee, they would somehow look past my haggard looks, mascara stained cheeks and my bloodshot bleary eyes and see a talented, funny, hot-for-okcupid-standards, undiscovered *STAR*  and simply not be able to resist casting me as the lead in all three of their next projects.  Yup, that's pretty much what is going to happen.

it all went well until...

another job interview today.  get up, shower, blow-dry hair, coffee, wade through closet-abyss, clomp clomp in my heels to the car, drive over the hill, park, clomp clomp to office, read US magazine (Kanye is courting Kim and doesn't care who knows it!) while waiting for possible-future boss, chat, connect, laugh, discuss compensation, questions, things going great until... she finds out I'm a performer.

Then all of a sudden she's all, "well I'm still interviewing people" and "you'll hear back from us within a week or two." And the love affair was over just like that.  Not holding my breath on this one.

interview #2

I had an interview today for a company that assists with weight loss through coaching and pre-packaged foods.  My background is in health, fitness, wellness, yoga, and sales so it isn't a bad fit.

Well I met with this woman today and she was super impressed with my resume.  She's from NYC so we bonded over missing the City but not the blizzards.  I answered her questions with ease.  The company is (obviously) huge on goal setting, etc and I shared with her all of the goal coaching seminars I've taken, my own goals that I've written down for my life, and how how it would mean so much to me to be able to share with others. Basically, I nailed it.

Then the hammer fell.  She just offered someone the position this morning.  Wham!

oh but there might be some openings in Culver City or Agoura Hills and even though this office is literally walking distance from my house maybe you'd be interested in driving 45-60 minutes each way to work every day? She's going to forward my resume to them and maybe you could work there or maybe the person she offered to this morning will not accept or maybe something else will open up???

Back to square one.

fancy-time

I'm a pretty laid back gal.  On the regs (that's "regularly" for all you not-so-hip-sters) I'm in jeans, a t-shirt and chucks with the possibility that I may have combed my hair.  OR I'm wearing yoga clothes due to either having gone to class or the intention to go to one eventually and if these stretchy black pants weren't so damn expensive you might think I was homeless.  Lets just say I don't put a ton of effort into how I look.

BUT.  I have an appointment at 1PM with a staffing agency and I need to look like a million bucks.  Or at least like a not-so-naughty secretary.  WTF do I wear.  And how do ladies who wear office-y stuff every day manage to get themselves together in the mornings?

It starts with a shower including washing and conditioning hair and shaving legs.  I add in a little scrub for extra credit.  Then, out of the shower you must moisturize your whole body, use three different creams on your face, a leave in conditioner for your split ends, and a roller-ball thingy for under your eyes to make you look more *awake*.

Then, to find an outfit.  Here I am, standing in front of the abyss that is my closet, trying to see what goes together without looking too slutty or too casual or too matchy-matchy.  Somehow I pull something together that is a facsimile of a a skirt-suit.

Now my hair.  ugh.  I hate blow-drying my hair.  Any ladies with flat lifeless hair will understand the drama around trying to make it not so flat and lifeless.  First, a little mousse on the roots for lift.  Then, flip over to blow hot air at the roots.  Then flip back over and add the attachment to the dryer and fish the round brush out of the drawer.  Clip hair up in sections.  Blow out little strands of hair, being careful to pull the roots up and away, and not to get the brush caught in your hair.  Finally, about 30 minutes later, your hair looks slightly better than when you air-dry.

At this point my arm muscles are screaming from holding dryer, round brush and hair at odd angles.  My thumb is burnt from getting in the way of the hot dryer air too many times.  And my face is red and sweaty from the exertion.  Just in time to apply makeup.

I slather on some foundation, blush, eyeliner and mascara.  Good enough.

No less than one hour and 15 minutes later, I'm ready.  I go out to show mom.  "Oh don't you look nice... but, aren't you going to put on some lipstick?" Ahhh mom.  Always knows juuuuust what to say.  I'm running late so I keep my snarky reply to myself and put on some gloss before heading out the door.

As I clomp in my heels down the hallway to the elevator, I think about performing this ritual on the daily and almost go back inside skipping the damn appointment.  But I spent so long, someone should appreciate this hard work.  ...and my mommy wouldn't let me.

job interview #1!

Whew! First one is always scariest, right? RIGHT???? (sigh...)

I think mom was more nervous than me.  She made us leave over an hour before my appointment when it only takes 20 minutes to get there.  Whatever.  Gave me time to get her set up at a FiveBucks with her ipad and a latte down the street.

So this interview is for a nameless company that sells high-end yoga apparel and spews forth barf-worthy ideals from the mouths of their kambucha-sipping ex-sorority-girl employees.  Not that I'm bitter or anything.  Jeez.  Anyway, the pay is decent (for retail) and I happen to love their clothes.

I have to say, for retail, their interview process is extensive! There's a loooong online form with 11 essay questions. If they like what you wrote, then you get called in for a group interview.  Then, if they like you at the group interview, then you have a one-on-one interview and possibly a second one-on-one interview and then you might get hired.  All for $12-15/hour.  Mmmkay.

So, apparently my essays were approved, because here I was, sitting in the store waiting for my interview.  I'm there with one other gal Jessica who was wearing jean shorts that were so short I saw not only the cottage cheese dappling her thigh but almost some cheek.  Did she not realize this was a job interview?

Well it turns out it was just the two of us and the interviewer.  I thought I gave some pretty good responses to the questions.  Some examples: How have you elevated someone from mediocrity to greatness? Tell me about what your favorite shopping experience would look like.  What is a goal you have recently achieved?
And then, she opened the interview up for any questions we may have. I asked her how she got involved with this company.  And as it turns out, she has only been working there since February.  February!! And she's interviewing me for a position.  She barely works there herself! How the hell is she going to hire me when clearly she doesn't even know what she is doing??? (sigh...) I need a cookie.