history lessons. also known as LIFE ISN'T FAIR.

Just to back-track a little bit and give you a brief history, nearly 11 months ago when I was in love and atwitter, my then-darling and I went to a timeshare presentation in order to get a free trip to Hawaii. He desperately wanted the free trip, as he has never been. It was three days and two nights, and they pick the flight, the accommodations, etc. So basically you have the chance of being dumped in Hawaii at 6PM Tuesday evening and leaving 6AM Thursday (yes it HAS to be tues - thurs) And yes, friends, that is ten hours of flying for possibly 36-48 hours of time in Hawaii. Not worth it in my book. But I was in LERRRRRVE, and so I went for it.

Now, to see the time share, you had to qualify. One of the things to qualify was to be over 30. That made only one of us qualify (me). So the trip is mine, technically... A VERY long story short, we called and emailed and courier pigeon and stalked them for a couple months before we were able to nail down the soonest possible date: Sept 2014. About a year away...

Cut to Jan 2014 - My sweet darling rips the rug out from under my feet and the heart from my chest and breaks up with me. So, I do what any woman would do. No, I don't key his car or start a smear campaign on Facebook (although the thoughts crossed my mind). I cancel the romantic getaway to Hawaii.  These free trips are very strict. You cannot change your travel partner, your dates, your anything once it has been set.  There is no way in H-E-DOUBLEHOCKEYSTICKS I am going on a romantic getaway to Hawaii by myself, and there is NO FUCKING WAY I am going on a romantic getaway to Hawaii with my got-a-new-girlfriend-within-three-weeks-ex-boyfriend.

Well, he emails me not too long ago asking about the trip.  "Were you planning on going? I am." uhmmm, WHAT?? Did you forget you dumped me and my trip to Hawaii?

Anyway, he got really hurt that I didn't consult with him before canceling "our" trip and wanted me to apologize for not asking him if it was ok for me to cancel the trip. Last I checked, you were MY plus-one. Secondly, how on earth did you imagine that conversation going???

him: Hey, you still planning on going to Hawaii? I am.

me: Yeah, I'm going.

him: Cool. Wanna share a taxi to the airport?

me: Sure. And since we're sharing a plane and a hotel room, why don't we join the mile-high club?  

or how about

him: You still planning on going? I am.

me: No, I think that might be awkward. You go ahead though. I was the injured party, but your narcissism trumps my broken heart. 

him: Cool, thanks. Want me to bring you back a lei?

or this

him: You going? I am.

me: No, I'm going.

him: No, I am.

me: NO, I AM.

him: NO, I'M THE ONE THAT WANTED IT MORE, IF YOU DON'T GIVE IT TO ME I'LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN AND CRY LIKE A LITTLE BABY.

Fucking idiot.  How did he ever think there would be an amiable outcome to a trip to Hawaii between exes? Here's a clue, there isn't. So take your $50 you paid for the taxes on the trip and go find yourself a timeshare presentation where you don't have to be at least 30, and get your own damn trip. You can even take your new girlfriend.

And I'll be here, Bitter Betty, party of one... so sexy. Maybe I should post this to my online dating profile...

mad props to the DMV (you saw that right, I said DMV)

What is a trip to the DMV? Typically, one imagines soul-less vaguely human-shaped blobs or something ala The Simpsons/Marge's sisters who could give a rat's ass about you, your life, or anything at all and day wasted waiting.

Patty and Selma

I had made an appointment, but was not hopeful. When I arrived I was greeted by a woman who looked like she didn't care who got what they came for or not. She barely waved her hand through the air (like some strange Queen's wave from an alternate universe) indicating that whomever was next should come to her counter while simultaneously pondering the meaning of life at the DMV (staring into space).  I walked up and handed her my paperwork. After a short and painless interview of why I was there, she gave me a number and told me to wait until I was called.

I looked for a seat, and saw that they were nearly all full. I sat in between a young woman who looked perturbed at life (as most teens are) and immersed in the music on her phone and on the other side two korean women chatting away about who knows what. I settled in for what I was sure would be a while, based on the number of people waiting.

Lo and behold, my number was called so quickly I barely had time to fill out the required form and update my facebook status.  The woman who filed the paperwork was fast, thorough, and smiled (!). I was almost sad to leave her to go wait in the picture line.

I jet over to the other side of the DMV to wait in the picture line, which was only about 5 or 6 people long. I got a little worried when the guy in front of me was tweaking and about an hour late for his next hit of whatever. He couldn't stand still, kept scrunching his shoulders up around his ears, looking around anxiously. He turned and smiled at me and said something unintelligible through about 50% missing and 50% rotting teeth.

He asks the people in front of him if they would mind if he went in front of them. They all took one look, and wisely let him ahead.  Things were going so smoothly! Almost too smoothly...

I get to the front of the line, and another lovely (!) DMV worker was sweetly taking pictures, complimenting people, and trying to make things go faster (!!!!!!).  She was the only one operating the cameras, and was attempting to make two of them go at the same time to get the line through faster. All was going so well when... oh no. Hourglass of death on the computer. My face broke the computer. And (according to darling DMV lady) was a really cute picture! Man!

She had to restart the computer, and then my file was vanished! Oh no! Would I have to go through the whole process again??? My heart sank. She handed my paperwork to another DMV'er who tried to fix things, then that woman had to hand it off to yet another DMV'er and my heart sank even lower... Just as my paper was going to float away not only into the ether of the DMV computer network but to the rows of neverending cubicles, my sweet Angel of the DMV photo-lady found my file on the restarted computer! Hurrah! The cute pic didn't save, so I had to take another one.  This one was not nearly as cute. The A/C wasn't exactly "working" in this area of the building so I was a little hot and bothered (read: sweaty) by this time, and am pretty sure slick tendrils of hair had plastered themselves to my face. This picture didn't break the computer however, probably because it was a bad picture. I think it is against DMV policy to have a good driver's license picture. Oh well, who cares? I was outta there IN LESS THAN ONE HOUR!!! So I gotta say, Mad Props to the Hollywood DMV for being efficient, nice, and providing free parking!!