spamalot

so I got this email the other day...

And I was reminded of this brilliant troller of trolls...

And for a brief moment considered writing back Mister John Fola. But I couldn't decide which tactic to take -

I didn't realize I had helped you before? I must have been in a fugue state and not been aware of what I was doing. I am glad that despite my apparent hypnosis I was able to assist with the funds transfer. I would be glad to accept the small stipend of One million five hundred thousand United States Dollars, but I fear I will not know what to do with it unless I am fugue-ing again. Do you happen to know any good hypnotists? 

Or perhaps to say -

I'm sorry to say I seem to have forgotten you. I must have amnesia. Are we friends? Business associates? How did we meet? Why am I trying to help you? How is it that little 'ole me could help such an esteemed person as you? I do want to experience the joy with you after safeness (at least I think I do) but feel a little uncomfortable since I don't remember who you are. Please do not take offense, I do not mean to hurt your feelings by not remembering you, but feel that since you are offering me One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars I should at least be honest with you.  

But ultimately I don't have the same kind of spare time as the guy in the video, and opted to just delete my entire spam folder full of crap.

 buh-bye One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars...

Black Gold, Texas Tea, Swimming Pools, Movie Stars

I just turned down a job. An acting job. What is the world coming to????

(sigh...)

It was even a paid acting job. And a fun role. And up in Northern Cali for 6 weeks. But not paid enough. Who can live off of $275/week??? That is below the poverty line! I guess they can only hire trust fund kids.

too bad my oil money hasn't come in yet.

(double sigh...)

So I stay here in LALALand aimed on getting something even bigger and better than some dumb lead role in some dumb play in some dumb picturesque town for some dumb reputable theater company.

Hey Uncle Jed? How soon can I get adopted?

the smell of desperation

It kind of has a sweet stench, like burnt hair or air freshener sprayed just after someone drops a load in the terlet.

YES, I blurred her email.  Y'all don't need to be up in her bidness.

Poor little girl, little does she know she's on the road to Chatsworth (click the link and look at #1) As much as I complain about my shitty jobs and how bad it is to look for a job, at least I am not posting on CL looking for someone who likes a thick mixed girl cloaked in the air of desperation. Especially since I'm about 20-25 pounds lighter than her and about as white as a person could be.

Now get out there and look for my pony.  See if you can find it on "missed connections." The ad might read something like this:

Missing your pony pretty little white girl? Why don't you cry to daddy and see if he will buy you another one. 

True story, I went to high school with a kid from an affluent family (white boy) who, on his 16th birthday was the proud recipient of a slightly used Jeep Wrangler.  He promptly wrecked it, so his parents got him a mid-range SUV.  Guess what? He wrecked that one too. So they bought him a brand-spankin-new Porsche 911.  How does this make sense? White people are dumb.

bahahahahaha he's an Aggie!!!

Don't judge a book by its alcohol content

Ahhh Christmas.  A time for drinking.  I always become slightly alcoholic at Christmastime.  What ever did I do before I turned 21? I'm sure I was miserable, although I can't really remember so I must have blocked it from memory.

my glass is on the left

This Christmas was a bit different.  No, not any less boozy.  In fact, maybe even more boozy. But usually it is just me, my folks and my brother.  This year, we had nearly a dozen including some soon-to-be extended family.  Recently my brother got engaged; I was going to meet her for the first time and also meet her brother.  Before the trip I was asking my bro about her bro and even though I must have gotten a pretty good description (the two boys are such good friends they braid each other's hair), for some reason the only two things that stuck in my memory banks were "smokes" and "likes to shoot guns." Now, I actually like to shoot guns (I've only done it a couple of times but boy was it strangely fun) but for some reason I created this vision of him in my head:

Now maybe this is the booze talking, but the guy I met was really smart, funny, sweet, charming and quite handsome.  What the hell kind of description did my brother tell me? Who knows, but it coulda been better.  I'd have packed something other than my usual bright-red-christmas-leftover-from-the-early-90s pants and light-up antler headband. Wait, now I'm feeling like a back woods country hick... Trying to impress my soon-to-be-brother-in-law-twice-removed? *shakes head* Time to detox my liver and get back to LA. ...Juuust in time for new year's eve, the last booziday (for those of you on the short bus that's booze and holiday combined into one word) of the year.  Which, incidentally, makes the first day of your new year one of headache, nausea, and laying on the couch cursing that sweet devil-friend alcohol.  Where's your resolution now, huh? Now go fix mommy a drink.