spamalot

so I got this email the other day...

And I was reminded of this brilliant troller of trolls...

And for a brief moment considered writing back Mister John Fola. But I couldn't decide which tactic to take -

I didn't realize I had helped you before? I must have been in a fugue state and not been aware of what I was doing. I am glad that despite my apparent hypnosis I was able to assist with the funds transfer. I would be glad to accept the small stipend of One million five hundred thousand United States Dollars, but I fear I will not know what to do with it unless I am fugue-ing again. Do you happen to know any good hypnotists? 

Or perhaps to say -

I'm sorry to say I seem to have forgotten you. I must have amnesia. Are we friends? Business associates? How did we meet? Why am I trying to help you? How is it that little 'ole me could help such an esteemed person as you? I do want to experience the joy with you after safeness (at least I think I do) but feel a little uncomfortable since I don't remember who you are. Please do not take offense, I do not mean to hurt your feelings by not remembering you, but feel that since you are offering me One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars I should at least be honest with you.  

But ultimately I don't have the same kind of spare time as the guy in the video, and opted to just delete my entire spam folder full of crap.

 buh-bye One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars...

that's Madam PRINCESS to you

Well, finally I have ARRIVED. Bakersfield has crowned their queen and it is ME!!! 

When I arrived at work today and walked into the room where I teach, smack dab right where I usually preside over the minions was this:

uhm HELLO??? yes please.

seems so natural, doesn't it?

I suppose if I have to suffer through a hellish drive and then dealing with peasants, at least I am finally being treated like the royalty I am.


If you lowly servants need anything, I'll be reconnecting with my humble roots and my miniscule bank account. Ta-ta!

Black Gold, Texas Tea, Swimming Pools, Movie Stars

I just turned down a job. An acting job. What is the world coming to????

(sigh...)

It was even a paid acting job. And a fun role. And up in Northern Cali for 6 weeks. But not paid enough. Who can live off of $275/week??? That is below the poverty line! I guess they can only hire trust fund kids.

too bad my oil money hasn't come in yet.

(double sigh...)

So I stay here in LALALand aimed on getting something even bigger and better than some dumb lead role in some dumb play in some dumb picturesque town for some dumb reputable theater company.

Hey Uncle Jed? How soon can I get adopted?

Bitch better have my money

Smartypants girl that I am, when I went to open a new savings account early this year, I researched online and I found the one that had the highest interest rate.  (I wanted a savings account as opposed to some other kind of account so I could very easily get to my money.) The winner was CIT Bank because its rate was about 1%.  This is still pretty small I know, but it is higher than anything else I found and I'd rather have more interest than less. Right? 

WRONG. These jerks have been politely taking my money as I deposit it into the account every month, smiling all the way.  I should have known something was up when their website (which has all of the modern day security measures) looked like it was from 1994.  I mean, seriously.  Trying to navigate this thing I felt like I should be using dial-up. 

And now that I try to take my money out and put it right back into my checking account (oh yes, the very same bank account they have been oh so happy taking money out of) they have to get approval from the Commissioner or some sh*t like that.  

What does Batman think of this money transfer? Is Evil afoot? 

So I call them to say WTF where is my money? And they say sorry little girl, your money is being held captive until we say so.  And no, you cannot wire the money. No, you cannot have it until maybe a few more days have gone by. Yes we know your first request to transfer the money was over a week ago.  It will just be a little longer, dearie.  Muah-ha-hahaaa...

Dear Mr. President, 

Please pretty please with sugar on top, REGULATE THE F*CKING BANKS ALREADY! 

Thank you.

Sincerely, 

A Fan

Fun with Pix Part IV (and a poem)

His username is Venkman...

le sigh

So I kind of admire this guy for putting all his "cards" on the table.  And by "cards" I mean "idiosyncrasies."  And by "idiosyncrasies" I mean "never left puberty/stunted emotional growth/living in a fantasyland."

I feel as though I should write an ode to this desperately awkward guy:

I know you love your Star Trek
Wars! Star Wars! (oh, heck)
The DeLorean gave you a chub
Kevin Smith you got to hug
Darth Vader you wanted to be
Or at least get to fight for UFC
Hot brunettes on each of your arms
Boxed toys are your lucky charms
Action figures in mint condition
Sex with a girl - you're still wishin'
Maybe online dating is the way to go
All your oddities she'll already know
"Plus one" at Comic-Con
your costumes she will don
Role-play of D&D
She'll want to, you see
True love may alight from the lightsaber
you got as a boy; it was a party-favor
How you swing it like Han
For her, you're the only one
A gold bikini like Leia wore
Is a must for the play-fore
And you'll ride off into the sunset
in your 1998 dodge stratus... 

Ok, ok that last one didn't rhyme but give me a little poetic license will ya? Ooooh maybe I should enter it into a poetry contest! I could win over $35,000 in cash and gift prizes! 'Cause you know I'd win.  This is poetry gold I'm tellin ya.  GOLD.

kill me now

So remember that job I interviewed for yesterday? Well, they love me, natch.  (I mean, who wouldn't??) Buuuuut what I thought was a job where I could work from home at least some of the time (ie. go out on auditions, goof off, write blogs) It is actually a chained-to-a-desk-and-phone noose-around-my-neck 7a-4p M-F job. Gahhhh!

I mean, I need that paper like whoa, but at what expense? (get it? money:expense? ha. ehhhh)

So I have a second interview today with the big boss man who is apparently going to grill me about how many calls a day I made at my previous jobs, and probably some kind of productivity report or micromanager chart of how I was successful.  Somebody shoot me now.

Isn't there a job that will make me piles of cash but not suck years off of my life?

Big boss man on the left, me on the table. 

Stay tuned... something may be on the horizon...

Dollah billz y'all

So it turns out the piece of shit car I bought just about a year ago that is now crashed and wrecked, was actually a gold mine! Ok, well not GOLD exactly, but according to the insurance appraiser, currently worth about $2700 more than what I paid for it. Uhm, what? Are you blind Mr. (or Ms. not to be sexist) Appraiser? That car was a piece of shit! Granted, a Honda piece of shit, but a total stinking pile of poo! 

Whatever appraiser-(wo)man.  I'm stealing your rose-colored glasses from now on.  Going to test-drive a Mazda 3, Nissan Versa, VW Jetta, and Toyota Corolla.  Maybe one of them will drive like a Bentley with your fancy appraiser glasses! Either way, I'm wearing a shit-eating grin.  Pun intended.