Botox, baby

I have never claimed to be a fashionista, or an advertising maven, or costuming expert. I have my basic uniform of t-shirt and jeans that I wear most days, swapping out for a tank in the hottest days and a button down shirt or plain sweater in the winter. It's pretty basic (but not BASIC, uhm-kayyyy??).

So even though we have now thoroughly established I'm no clothing expert, I am appalled every time the Botox for migraines ads come on TV. The lead gal they cast is *basically* (pun intended) beautiful, and does a reasonable job pretending to walk around migraine-free.

"I need a venti soy half-caff extra hot PSL stat!"

But. Her. Outfit. It is the most unflattering, ugly, horrendously dated frumpy thing I've ever seen. Boxy, blousy, too-big, droopy button down shirt tucked in to frumpy, pleated, too-big, cankle-length khaki pants.

Maybe if I put my hands on my waist you'll know I have one...

They have taken a reasonably attractive woman who likely has a "perfect" body under that mess and made her look like a lumpy dumpy homely frump-meiser. That costumer should be fired! S/he obviously has a grudge against this poor lady who is just trying to make a dollar for herself by doing a really stupid Botox ad.

*just think about the paycheck. smile for the paycheck. moneymoneymoneymoney*

I mean, look at this woman! She more than likely has a body most women would kill for and you can't even see it under all those pleats and poufy clothes. She might not have migraines anymore but she has a headache from looking at herself in the mirror.

new chonies

I got an email this week from a popular sweatshop-made underwear store (I'd tell you the name but then it wouldn't be a Secret...) telling me I could get new underdraws for the bargain price of 5 for $15! Three bucks a pair? Extending the time between laundry drudgery by five glorious days?

Plus, Vicki usually charges $28 for five pairs of drawers. I am a frugalista at her finest, and saving $13 was enough to make me brave the mall and all the trolls and kids and other horrible excuses for humanity that reside there.

I head straight to the undie store and weave craftily among the women with strollers and toddlers, the ladies clutching their winning scraps of fabric, only to realize that the "deal" underwear was a clever ruse to get me in for their semi-annual sale. And since the sale has been going on for a while all that was left of size medium were the strangest, ugliest chonies you ever saw in your life. And far too many "bride" rhinestone encrusted lacey bits. I even looked through the other sizes to see if somehow some magical set of size medium cute (or even wearable) skivvies were hiding from me. Not a decent foundation garment to be found. F*ck you Vicki, you lying vindictive little con artist. (Bitter Betty, underwear-less party of one)

Since I was at the mall, I figured I should at least stroll around to a couple of the stores and see if anyone had any wayyyy after Christmas sales where a thrifty princess could find some swag. As I swiftly mall-walked I realized if anyone heard the thoughts in my head I could be put away in jail, nay, solitary confinement in jail.

The middle-aged couple stumbling along, managing to take up the entire walkway weaving about, would have been stabbed in the head to be out of my way. The angsty-goth twenty-somethings I mentally shoved into the cement fountain. The darling elderly couple who stopped completely blocking the path between sweaters at the Gap would have been punched in the neck. The women unwrapping the noisiest hard candy in Macy's would have had the mint shoved down their throats and choked to death.

I'm a really nice person. Ask anyone. Super nice. So when I was mentally cursing the designer of the escalators and their insignificant pea-brain for installing them opposite of how I would have I knew it was time to leave.

This is why I rarely go to the mall anymore. This is why online shopping is great. I like being not in jail. And slow, inconsiderate, annoying, f*cktards can still go to the mall in peace.

how to be a hipster

If you are a dude, wear a boyfriend sweater, a slouchy zip up hoodie, a floppy beanie, don't ever shave or cut your hair or shower. OR, dress like a girl; skinny jeans, shorts with tights underneath, tank top, and Blossom hat.

If you are a girl, pretty much anything that gives you cankles, midriff shirts, overalls with one side unhooked (ala Will Smith circa Fresh Prince and this top model) and anything your mother wore to work in the 90s.

The current trends of hideous fashion - mom jeans, doc martins, large floral prints, overalls - makes me think that millenials are even dumber than we give them credit for. Learn from our mistakes young'uns. We wore hideous fashions so you don't have to. That's the way fashion is supposed to work. You need to find your own hideous fashion choices so your children can know what not to wear.

I think this makes me old... I just want to wear what I want to wear, fashion be damned. Give me my comfy jeans and t-shirts and classic black pants and heels that will never be out of style (or really in style either I guess) and I'll look down my nose at you young people who look ridiculous.

it's not easy being green

Why is it that all the stuff that is better for us (as people, as a planet) is more expensive and/or harder to get?

Arco/BP is usually the cheapest gas, but they spill all over my oceans.

Organic food is healthier, but always more expensive than pesticide ridden foods.

Hybrid and electric cars are better than gas-guzzlers, but also more expensive than the fossil fuel alternatives.

Vegan substitutes are generally more expensive than their global-warming-animal counterparts.

Bio/plant-based cleaners are more expensive than the chemical-laden ones.

Styfrofoam and plastic are cheaper than the biodegradable containers.

Recycled stuff usually more expensive than non-recycled stuff. 

And on and on...

I just recently found out that I have the option for renewable energy through LADWP. So, instead of horribly polluting/environmentally irresponsible coal and nuclear power, I can choose renewable energy from sources such as biomass & waste (stuff we are throwing away anyway, so surely free) and wind (free, courtesy of God/Allah/The Universe/Mother Nature). Yipee! This makes me so happy, because global warming is some serious shit and according to leading scientists, pretty much almost too late.  

HOWEVER, this option, that will help our planet, is .03 cents per kilowatt more expensive. WTF. (sigh) So you mean to tell me that by using *free* stuff to power my home I have to pay approximately $5-15 MORE per month?? Tell me how this makes any sense.

*eyeroll*

*does it anyway*

Sing it, Kermit.

Camptown Races

A friend on facebook just posted a video that is nearly a minute long of her twins running in circles. To a song that plays out of one of their toys (read: tinny, no words, annoying as f*ck). She was giggling in the background and the caption on the video was "you're welcome."

...for what? for taking away 50 seconds of my life I can never get back? for getting a terribly grating children's song stuck in my head? for posting something I want to see less than that other friend on facebook that posts a picture of what he eats every day? Seriously. I would rather see a picture of food on a plate (ooh! look! chicken and steamed vegetables!) that watch your child act like an idiot.

literally her kids looked JUST LIKE THIS

Call me insensitive, but just because you think your child acting like a dog chasing it's tail is cute doesn't mean it is. Look, I like kids. I really do! I babysat from ages 9-24. I have been referenced as the "baby whisperer" for an acquaintance's kid that would cry when anyone held her except her mom (and apparently me). Given the option, I'd rather sit at the kids table than the grownup's table. Of course, this could also just mean that I am a kid and would rather talk about the best way to projectile a pea out of one's nostril than the latest fad diet or Lady Gaga or if the President is awesome/sucks.

Maybe this video is something that only parents understand. My other friend (who also has kids) commented on said video about how cute it was, and there was a litany of other "awww" "adorable!!" and "love it!" comments. Maybe I am in the minority. Either that or she has really mean friends who think it is just darling that her boys appear to have suffered brain trauma.

Yikes. I think I might be an awful person. It may be a good thing that my ovaries are shriveling up and my eggs are spoiling by the carton and that I seem destined to be an old maid cool aunt. That is sooooo much better than mommy dearest...

Call Me Sherlock

I am a little too good at cyber-stalking. I mean, researching online. If there is something to be found on a certain someone and I want to find it, I will. It's how I found out last year that my ex had a new girlfriend almost immediately after he dumped me. It's how I found out that a different ex (who somehow in five years of dating was never able to take me back home with him) took the very next girl to his high school reunion. I figured out who a guy was from OK Cupid with just a username and a picture. I am very very very good at finding things.

Found them!

But sometimes things are best left un-found.  I may or may not have had a drink or three and cyber-stalked browsed around my ex Todd's social media, which led me to his friend's social media, which led me to a post I really didn't want to read. Ugh!! Bob Newhart really says it best: "Stop it!"

Watch the video. Six minutes of genius. A good reminder to us all.

I think I need a new horse

I recently posted that I am "back in the saddle" of dating, and it is completely disappointing that it is the same crap that I dealt with the last time I did online dating.

No, overweight, troll-like 56 year old, I do not want to go out with you.  

No, dude who lives in Indiana (probably with his wife and kids) I don't want to get to know you better. 

No, guy who is more than 10 years my junior, I don't think we will have anything in common. 

Where is the guy who lives reasonably close to me (duuuude. all the hot guys live near the beach, about 45 minutes or an hour drive away from me. I don't do long distance), is reasonably hot (99.9% of the guys on this site are bfug), is reasonably tall, (as in over 5'11") and has a reasonable amount of brain cells floating around in his noggin (shall we say... more than two)?

If you know of anyone who fits these criteria, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE email me or facebook me or twitter me or write a comment here or send me a fucking courier pigeon.

Or I'll just adopt a few more cats and be done with it.

I already have two... it wouldn't take much. 

Tony vs. Stuart

Ok, so I've been doing these P90X3 workouts now for about three weeks, and I just now figured out who Tony Horton reminds me of... it was today on one of the videos when he said (as I've heard him say before on other vids), "This is what 50 looks like!"

I couldn't find the exact line on the youtubes, but here is the closest thing I could find:

Ok, now watch this next video and tell me you don't see the resemblance:

uh, huh? right?!?!?!

and one more, just for good measure:

"I'm Tony Horton and I'm FIFTY! FIFTY years old!!"

aaand 2.2 seconds later

I worked for this woman for less than 5 hours, and all of a sudden the woman who couldn't do one single thing for herself and "didn't want to be alone on moving day" now no longer needs assistance.  ah-huh. riiight.  I got more done for her in four and a half hours than she got done in four and a half months, literally. 

I got an email Sunday evening saying she would take over from here.  What? Lady, you can't even get to the clothing resale store two blocks away from your house to hock your wardrobe rejects! Whatever.  Good riddance. She couldn't even face me to get her keys and things back.  She had to have her bff meet me at her apartment!

seriously, just add long hair and there you have her

On a side note, when you put "simpering idiot" into google images, this is the VERY FIRST picture that pops up. heehee.

the smell of desperation

It kind of has a sweet stench, like burnt hair or air freshener sprayed just after someone drops a load in the terlet.

YES, I blurred her email.  Y'all don't need to be up in her bidness.

Poor little girl, little does she know she's on the road to Chatsworth (click the link and look at #1) As much as I complain about my shitty jobs and how bad it is to look for a job, at least I am not posting on CL looking for someone who likes a thick mixed girl cloaked in the air of desperation. Especially since I'm about 20-25 pounds lighter than her and about as white as a person could be.

Now get out there and look for my pony.  See if you can find it on "missed connections." The ad might read something like this:

Missing your pony pretty little white girl? Why don't you cry to daddy and see if he will buy you another one. 

True story, I went to high school with a kid from an affluent family (white boy) who, on his 16th birthday was the proud recipient of a slightly used Jeep Wrangler.  He promptly wrecked it, so his parents got him a mid-range SUV.  Guess what? He wrecked that one too. So they bought him a brand-spankin-new Porsche 911.  How does this make sense? White people are dumb.

bahahahahaha he's an Aggie!!!

first weak, I mean, week.

You know what disease is right? Dis-ease.  Like when your life is so shitty you make yourself sick so you don't have to face it. Well, I stressed myself out so badly about this stupid job that I actually made myself sick.  So what was supposed to be my first day in-store with all the other trainees, I called out sick and was feeling just awful. Like actually sick with green boogies and everything.

(hope this isn't copyright infringement)

I laid around all day sleeping and watching TV, and by the evening I was feeling a bit better.  I should have tried to spend some time with my script, but I felt so tired and crappy that I barely glanced at it.  The next morning I wake up and am feeling slightly better.  Except that since I missed the day before, I now have to work a double shift to make up for what I missed. So I am at this store from 8AM - 9:30PM.  By the end of the day I am beyond exhausted.  BUT victorious, as I have done my first official presentation! ...After spending 20 minutes in the produce cooler of the grocery store practicing my script.  No one bought anything, but I made it through without any major mishaps.  Wahoo!

The next day we are back at the same store and I'm there for a regular shift.  I do a two more presentations.  I actually sell something! I am NOT A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!! Let me tell you a little something about this store.  It is in da' hood.  I stick out like a white thumb.  And the people that are watching my presentations, they don't know that my nickname in some circles is "blackness," or that when I was a kid I wished I had hair like the black girls in my class because unlike my super-fine-listless-hair those girls were always beautiful in plaits or braids or twisted ponytails, or that in high school I went to leadership camp (and later was a counselor) that taught teens how to fight prejudice and bring tolerance and peace into our schools and neighborhoods. Maybe I was projecting (and by "maybe" I mean "totally"), but I felt like they looked at me as this crazy white lady trying to swindle them into buying something.  And maybe that's because I am a crazy white lady and I was trying to swindle get them to buy something.

found under google images of "crazy white lady"

Anyway, I seem to improve with every presentation, so I'm going to collect my guarantee money from this week and head into next week with an open mind and hope that things get better from here.  Because they surely can't get worse.  Right??