the smell of desperation

It kind of has a sweet stench, like burnt hair or air freshener sprayed just after someone drops a load in the terlet.

YES, I blurred her email.  Y'all don't need to be up in her bidness.

Poor little girl, little does she know she's on the road to Chatsworth (click the link and look at #1) As much as I complain about my shitty jobs and how bad it is to look for a job, at least I am not posting on CL looking for someone who likes a thick mixed girl cloaked in the air of desperation. Especially since I'm about 20-25 pounds lighter than her and about as white as a person could be.

Now get out there and look for my pony.  See if you can find it on "missed connections." The ad might read something like this:

Missing your pony pretty little white girl? Why don't you cry to daddy and see if he will buy you another one. 

True story, I went to high school with a kid from an affluent family (white boy) who, on his 16th birthday was the proud recipient of a slightly used Jeep Wrangler.  He promptly wrecked it, so his parents got him a mid-range SUV.  Guess what? He wrecked that one too. So they bought him a brand-spankin-new Porsche 911.  How does this make sense? White people are dumb.

bahahahahaha he's an Aggie!!!

mmm... cake.

there's always those random jobs, where you think, how on earth does a person find out about that opportunity?? Things like this:

I imagine the interview process is something like this:

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you have experience attending surprise parties, pulling the old "tap-someone-on-the-other-shoulder gag," and have frequently use the word "sike!" in your vocabulary, but I don't see any experience with baked goods.  How would your previous experience lend itself to your having success in this position?

Potential hire: Well, I know I'm rather inexperienced in this exact position, but I feel that the cumulative results of my previous work will give me a solid platform on which to build a new skill set and enhance my current skills.

Interviewer: Let me ask you how you would react to this situation, because this has actually happened before.  You pop out of the cake, and you get icing in your eye.  What do you do?

Potential hire: Oh wow, that's a tough one.  Well, I am a huge proponent for follow through.  I don't let a little something such as a hiccup in the plan get in my way.  I would simply close that particular eye and let the tears do their work.  I would rather have a few streams of ocular-aquatics down my face than ruin someone's special moment.  I am deeply committed to a strong work ethic.  The show must go on, as they say.

Interviewer: Wonderful! Well, we are seeing a few other applicants this week.  I can't say anything officially, but let's just say I have a good feeling about you.  We will be in touch.  ...

Princess Joanna

It astounds me how many low-paid jobs there are out there.  I live in Los Angeles, where a shit-hole apartment in a not-so-great part of town runs monthly from $600 (for a bachelor) to $1000 (for a one bedroom).  There is an abundance of jobs that pay between $8-12/hour, or $12-15 for skilled, experienced workers.  Assuming you work 40 hours a week, that is approximately $20,800 - $29,120/year.  Before taxes.  Your take-home each month would range from $1213 - $1698 a month.  Let's say you want something extravagant, like a stove or a kitchen sink, your rent is conceivably EIGHTY PERCENT (80%) of your total income.   And don't get me started if you actually wanted to live in a decent part of town.

I am by no means a princess (although my father would disagree), but I will NOT work for these low wages.  Unemployment pays more than most of these jobs!

editor's note: Alice in Wonderland, not a princess

And if I'm being perfectly honest, some of these jobs paying $unlivable-wage/hour I wouldn't even qualify for!! I mean, I'm college educated, have held positions of management, ran offices, run the seating for one of the busiest restaurants in Manhattan, and played mommy for multiple children.  I'm not exactly skill-less. Buuuuut I don't know HTML, don't have any kind of teaching credential, I'm not bilingual, can't say I have past experience doing "extensive script coverage," graphic editing skills, and the list goes on and on... all for under $15/hour.  Puh-leeeeeze!

Just to give an example (and I know it was NYC, but still), 10+ years ago I was making $15/hour as a hostess at a nice restaurant. I just quickly surfed CL and found three similar positions.  One was $9/hr, one $10/hr and one for $12/hr.  Not that I would want these jobs, but my restaurant experience was so long ago I probably wouldn't even get hired anyway!

This job-hunting business is one of the most painful, grueling processes ever.  Like, worse than braces.  And I wore headgear.

Not actually me.  Some poor wretch from google images. 

Is it so much to ask that I can have a job that doesn't suck horribly, pays my bills and then some, and is flexible enough that I can audition whenever they come up and I get to sleep late some days? Or do I have to suck it up like most Americans and live a life of mediocrity and squashed dreams?

Maybe one day (a long time from now) I'll give up the dream and marry for money. You know, because there's tons of guys looking for a trophy wife over 30...

yeah... she's really into him. 

*to be fair, there are jobs out there that I would qualify for that would pay in the $60-100K range, but I would have to sell my soul to some gawd-awful company that would bleed my dry emotionally.  And I just don't like crying on the way to work.  It smears my mascara. 

Craig's List of Crap

A gross overview of craigslist jobs:

• webcam models: make money from your own home! safe! clean!
• work PART-TIME and make $30,000/month! (yeah, right)
• egg donor/surrogate
• jobs I am 100% not qualified for: attorney, plumber, machinest, etc.
• and then plenty of jobs like this:

<working for so-and-so>

Most importantly is your ability to keep the office in order, take calls, make appointments and write letters with the artist (English abilities must be exceptional, many edits are needed in dictation).

Secondly you must be tech savvy. Photoshop experience is highly recommended.

-Experience curating for art shows or galleries.

-Interest in art or working with artists.

-Office administration or business management background is a must.

-Answer phone calls, taking messages, contacting galleries.

-Possesses excellent written and verbal communication skills.

-Excels at multi-tasking with great attention to detail.

-Familiar with various social networking platforms.

-Be skilled, clear and direct in both verbal and written communication.

-Knowledge in sales trends and marketing.

*Full Time 40 Hrs Weekly

-The following is a list of applications and services we use on a regular basis.

Proficiency with mac products,

Adobe Master Suite,

Microsoft Office,

SEO,

Web design,

Wordpress,

Web site management,

Computer networking,

Social media skills a major plus!

ALL FOR $10/HOUR.  

You're kidding, right? I haven't made $10/hour since I worked at a movie theater in college.  This is LA, and you want someone to have all those skills and only pay them ten bucks? You know what that is after taxes, right? You could make more at In-n-Out.   Here's what I have to say about that: