Mortal Kombat

In my quest to find fun new ways to workout, I have been trying the classes at the gym. Tonight's class was a pseudo boxing-karate-MMA workout called Bodycombat. I have to say there were more men in this group exercise class than any other class I've ever taken.... and I can understand why. It was like we were in a real-life version of a video game.

Imagine kicking and punching to this soundtrack:

The songs played didn't have the actual words "Mortal Kombat" to them, but you could use your imagination. And clearly these dudes were imagining themselves as such.

Hiiii-YAH!!

and

HUUUUHNAHH!!!

and

I am fierce ninja warrior!

so that they could ultimately (never) get this

Who, by the way, in reality would look more like this

Why do the women in video games always have huge inflated fake boobies that always seem to be missing nipples? Either that or the doc botched the job so bad the nips are no longer in the center of the boob...

I think I will file that with the questions of why some men think porn is real, why some people watch Fox News and think it is real, or why some people think global warming isn't real. *shakes head* *rolls eyes* *eats a cookie*

Disappointment, served cold.

So now that I'm one of those annoying people that counts calories, I look at things like serving size, grams of protein, and sodium percentages.  So why do so many of them make no sense?

First, the ones that make sense. One glass of wine, one serving. Yes, I still drink some wine, just not every night by the bottle. Wow that makes me sound like an alcoholic. I swear I'm not. Protesting doesn't make it sound any better, does it...

And a serving size that somewhat makes sense, Lindor truffles. Serving size, three truffles.

I could eat just three truffles. In fact, with some restraint, I could even just eat one or two. I am so saintly.

But then we get to pickle spears.  Serving size... 3/4 of a spear. Who on earth eats 3/4th of a pickle spear?

And don't even get me started on Girl Scout cookies.  You mean to tell me that a serving isn't one full sleeve of Thin Mints?? Preposterous.

Proof of their addictive qualities

FOUR COOKIES? That's it??? What? Who in their right mind can stop after only FOUR???? (sigh) the things I do to fit into my jeans...

nothing tastes as good as thin feels. except maybe chocolate. and cheese. and ice cream. and pizza...

Fat and happy.
Just an expression, right? well guess what? I'm miserable and (getting) thin! yeah!  Let's hear it for the breakup diet!

(or, what really happened) I realized I've put on a substantial amount of weight in the past year and a half, so I decided to do a 30 day challenge with Beach Body. What this means is instead of my beloved cereal for breakfast, I have a protein and superfood shake. And instead of sitting on my lardass on the sofa, I work out. To Tony Horton. *shudders*

Actually, everyone hates you. 

Seriously, I think he is the MOST annoying person on the planet!  I don't even think the other people in his videos like him. They just like the idea of being on a P90X video, and getting paid for it. You'll see them on the break or after the workout hugging each other, giving each other high-5's, and then Tony comes around and they all act like "oh yeah, Tony, right. yeah, man, here's your hug-5. please hire us again for more of your videos." Even though I'm still not really familiar with all the routines, I have to put the video on mute. I just cannot hear his lame ass jokes, his narcissism, and his trying to be cool.  Dude, you were never cool growing up, and you're not cool now.  You just have something everyone wants. If you didn't have that, no one would talk to you.

On the plus side, (or minus?) I've lost over 8 pounds in two weeks!

Today I ran (ok, ok, jogged/walked) a 5K. I fucking hate running. But I also have learned about myself that I don't like to follow rules. But how can I commit to the results if I don't commit to the rules?

So, off I went. I didn't want to have to drive a path first to mark out 3.1 miles, so I downloaded this app called Map My Run.  I don't like running on busy streets, so I found a quiet little neighborhood and, well, see if you can see my route...

What!?!? So I was running in circles. Ain't no shame.  It's not like it is my life! Oh wait...

knock knock knockin' on...

My roommate opened the curtains today and I thought I might have gone blind.  I have not seen the sun in three days.  I have been at death's door with the flu.

Let me say this. I do not get sick.  I am not a sickly person.  You can hack and cough all around me, sneeze in my face, and I will continue on my merry way as healthy as an ox.

oxen

I have no idea where I caught this awful bug, but the downhill slide started at work Saturday.  I thought by the afternoon I was just feeling run down because it was a long day. Then the evening I had a chill, but I thought it was because the door the outside was open and there was a draft.  Until I got out to my car  to drive home and realized the temperature outside was 67 degrees.  And I was shivering in my sweater and coat. This was not good.

For the next 36 hours I was thisclose to death.  Or at least I wished I was because if I was dead I would not feel as awful as I felt.

Finally, after a trip to urgent care and the pharmacy, I am on the mend.  And I have watched more TV in the past three days than I would normally watch in a month.  I think my eyes are turning square.  And I never thought I would actually say this, but... I am bored of watching TV.  In fact, I am bored of everything.  Who wants to bring me a cookie? I promise not to breathe near you...

"it gets better"

week one at the new job.
hours worked: 35
monies earned: $200
estimated hourly wage: $5.71

I've been told I'm "really good" at this job so far and that it will "get easier." I feel a little like I'm caught in an anti-bullying campaign with how many people have told me that it "gets better."  (It Gets Better Project) Seeing as how I had about 1.5 days of training and it is really up to me to figure things out (ie: product knowledge, how the phone works, etc) maybe it is not so bad.  Everyone keeps telling me that I'm learning really fast... how long did it take these people to start making money?? 'Cause it isn't exactly rolling in for me right now.  Mama isn't even making minimum wage at this point.

Sigh... I guess I'll give it a little time.

and we shall see how the cookie crumbles.

Speaking of cookie, I was craving one this afternoon (coincidentally right before yoga) and stopped at the Belwood Bakery on the way.  I've never been there before but driven past a billion times.  I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie, thinking that was a safe bet at a place I've not been to before.  Boy was I wrong! Dry, crumb-y, and crummy! I mean, I still ate the whole thing but I almost didn't! How does a bakery mess up a chocolate chip cookie!?!?!? *FAIL*

I HAVE A CAR!!!!!!!

How did this miracle occur, you say? Which car did you get, you ask? Was it the boring but dependable Corolla? Nope! Heartbreaker Jetta? No... Well it wasn't the Versa obvs, so it musta been the Mazda 3, yes????

Well, trusty mommy and her ipad spent her hour at FiveBucks yesterday busily researching cars and found pretty much the same Mazda 3 out in Riverside for $500 less! Now I'm a gal who likes a good bargain but its a looong drive to Riverside and what if I don't like it for some reason?

So moms and I packed a snack and water and slogged our way out to Riverside to this dealer who actually had two different Mazdas for us to look at.  Whoopeee! Cutting to the chase, short story long, getting down to the nitty gritty, I drove both, and ended up saving myself $500 on the best car we looked at! Huzzah!

Poor sweet mommy, the little old lady librarian from Houston, had to follow me back from Riverside to Studio City in the rental.  Not to mention I'm scared shitless that I'm going to wreck my brand new (used) car.  Oh and did I mention it is 6:30pm?

We made it home and were both so worn out we simply had to order chinese and drink a bottle of wine.  And I got a fortune cookie! Mmmmm.... cookie.  And my fortune was something about being admired from afar.  Kinda creepy, but maybe this is my next boyfriend?

job interview #1!

Whew! First one is always scariest, right? RIGHT???? (sigh...)

I think mom was more nervous than me.  She made us leave over an hour before my appointment when it only takes 20 minutes to get there.  Whatever.  Gave me time to get her set up at a FiveBucks with her ipad and a latte down the street.

So this interview is for a nameless company that sells high-end yoga apparel and spews forth barf-worthy ideals from the mouths of their kambucha-sipping ex-sorority-girl employees.  Not that I'm bitter or anything.  Jeez.  Anyway, the pay is decent (for retail) and I happen to love their clothes.

I have to say, for retail, their interview process is extensive! There's a loooong online form with 11 essay questions. If they like what you wrote, then you get called in for a group interview.  Then, if they like you at the group interview, then you have a one-on-one interview and possibly a second one-on-one interview and then you might get hired.  All for $12-15/hour.  Mmmkay.

So, apparently my essays were approved, because here I was, sitting in the store waiting for my interview.  I'm there with one other gal Jessica who was wearing jean shorts that were so short I saw not only the cottage cheese dappling her thigh but almost some cheek.  Did she not realize this was a job interview?

Well it turns out it was just the two of us and the interviewer.  I thought I gave some pretty good responses to the questions.  Some examples: How have you elevated someone from mediocrity to greatness? Tell me about what your favorite shopping experience would look like.  What is a goal you have recently achieved?
And then, she opened the interview up for any questions we may have. I asked her how she got involved with this company.  And as it turns out, she has only been working there since February.  February!! And she's interviewing me for a position.  She barely works there herself! How the hell is she going to hire me when clearly she doesn't even know what she is doing??? (sigh...) I need a cookie.

read this if you like cars

Test drove four cars yesterday.  To compare them to men - Versa: lose my number. Corolla: great to bring home to mom but a lousy lay.  Jetta: sexy bad-boy, but ultimately a heartbreaker.  Mazda 3: suspiciously perfect.  needs a second date to tell for sure.

Read on for more detailed reviews.

Nissan Versa

Nissan Versa.  Should be called the Nissan Slowza.  The Versa is a cute little hatchback and the interior is roomy.  But the poor misguided gas pedal. You push it, it makes lots of vroomy noises, but nothing happens.  I tested it on the freeway and immediately got off the first exit.  This is LA, people.  I'm gonna get run over if it doesn't get up the on-ramp.  This car falls in the category: I'd rather take the bus.

Toyota Corolla

Next up, the trusty gas-efficient Corolla.  Let me tell you, if you decide to buy this car you must at least get an exciting color (like red, electric-blue) because that will be the ONLY thing exciting about your ride.  I mean, its... fine.  The handling is a little squirrely.  But it gets good gas mileage!  And you might fall asleep at the wheel because it is so boring and dependable.  Category: If I have to.

VW Jetta

Jett-ahhhhh.  Zippety doo dah! 2.5L engine.  Biggest engine of the ones I'm testing. Nice bling-y insides.  Ooooh me likey! Buzz-kill. Talked to car-expert-brother and he says Jetta's are expensive to fix and break down a lot.  Plus the nice vroomy engine guzzles the most gas. Some quick calculations (with current gas prices) projected an extra $500 a year in gas over some of these other models.  So its a cheaper car up front with more on the back end.  Some might call that junk-in-the-trunk or A$$.  ha.  Category: My lead foot is drooling. My wallet is clenched like a prisoner on his first day in jail.

Mazda 3

Zoom Zoom.  Now we're talkin.  Gas mileage: eco/wallet-friendly.  Engine: decent 2.0L.  Bells and whistles: ringing and whooting. Do I just get it? I really like it.  We have a few more appointments lined up.  Do we wait to buy and see the other cars? What if this one is gone and we don't like the others; then we're back at square one! Ahhhhh! This is so stressful!!!! I need a cookie!