Renaissance Romeo

WELCOME TO TINDERLAND

Where unlike Vegas, what happens here gets spread all over the interwebs. 

so Tinderland has some *ahem* unique folk wandering it's fertile grounds, and I was matched with one whose prose was more like poetry. We'll call him "RR" for Renaissance Romeo. Here are just a few delightful excerpts from our tinder-messaging:

"I speak three languages; English, Joy and Appreciation." 

"Appreciation is the fuel by which all relationships thrive and ascend. Find a way to consistently appreciate those who you share heartspace with and it is amazing what occurs."

"Then before your head prepares to caress the pillow, please allow me to say thank You; I appreciate You for writing, being playful and setting off a very sweet spark within. I wish You a peaceful night's rest. " 

I quickly determined I could never date someone who spoke so ridiculously, but also that I needed to meet RR to see if he spoke suchly and thusly in person, or if he was just a regular guy masquerading as a wanna-be Shakepeare. I felt a little deceptive leading him on like that, but inquiring minds wanted to know! And by inquiring minds, I mean me and my friends. ...And by me and my friends, I mean mostly me.

We tinder messaged for a while, then switched to text message, and still his words were more like a sonnet than the usual text abbreviation/shorthand "hyd" (how ya doin) "LMFAO ur funny" "laughing my fucking ass off, you are funny" "ttyl" (talk to you later) that one sometimes gets.

Finally we spoke on the phone, and I was a little disappointed that RR spoke like a regular dude, with the exception of a word here or there. I had gotten to the point that I was really hoping that he would confabulate in iambic pentameter. Alas, he did not. He did, however, finally make good on his tinder profile where he espouses his ability to make people laugh. I legit belly-laughed at least four times. Maybe this guy could be a good match after all...

And then... the other shoe dropped. I have written in my profile that I am looking for  a guy who is 5'11" or taller, and RR asked if that was a deal breaker. It isn't totally, but it kind of is. My "research" into this Tinder-rrific gentleman and what he is like in person had gone this far, so of course I said, "No! I've dated guys shorter than that. I just usually am attracted to taller men." To which he replied, "Well I'm an inch taller than you, I'm 5'8"." The possibility that RR might actually be a keeper poofed away as quickly as it was created. "Oh, well, you're taller than me. I'm sure that's fine!"

We meet for coffee the next day, and not only is RR mistaken about his height (he's maybe 5'7" if he stands up super straight), but the shirtless pic of himself he posted was clearly from when he used to go to the gym. But he is charming, sweet, funny, and I find myself having a great time! And then... I see his hands. His little, tiny, baby-hands. Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I cannot. I just. CAN. NOT. do baby hands. Little chicklet fingernails and tiny digits that are only good for needlepoint and other small crafts or maybe for making sweatshop clothing. But I am on this coffee date, so I just try to keep my eyes up.

And, oh god, there's more. RR has a daughter. Who is 24. Who is only three years younger than his last girlfriend. Who is like totally Mensa genius level smart. And who supports herself as a semi-nude model. But her modeling is all really tasteful. And he is so proud. Of his semi-nude-model-mensa-daughter.

RR's career is befitting such a Unique dude. He helps people with SOUL EXPANSION. What the fuck is that? I don't know. I would have asked (ya know, "research") but I was fairly certain I would dissolve into a fit of giggles and that's just rude. I'm not sure why I care about that... When he had previously alluded to his job in our phone conversation, I was so thankful we weren't facetiming or skyping, as I had to hold the phone away and stifle laughs when he told me. He's a rambler, so it was fine that I couldn't reply due to stomach spasms. He just talked on and on about how amazing he is.

I genuinely began to regret the resarch-date when RR asked if we could "go deeper." and would I like to "lead the dance" or shall he? *cue another involuntary stomach spasm and herculean effort to keep a straight face* This is when RR began to espouse his "brilliant" thoughts on soul expansion, loving, relationships, etc. I truly learned his love of his own voice and theories at this point, when he rambled on and on for about a half hour or forty-five minutes about who-knows-what *cue glazed eyes and insipid smile* needing no response save open eyes and a heartbeat from his conversation partner.

The next day I was racked with guilt/didn't want to play this game anymore and texted him to "break up".  He tried extensively to convince me that I would grow to love him over time. I had to tell him 8 ways to Sunday that I just wasn't into him, without mentioning his delusions on his height, his incessant ramblings and his teensy-itty-bitty-baby-hands. It was exhausting.

I've only heard from him once since, just to text hello. And if I never hear from RR again it will be

“Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble!”

Misconception or I should have known better

Remember when I used to work shopping for children?

I'll take this cute one, salesclerk.  Make sure you include the receipt.

Well, I got a chance to work on the other end of that. And boy was that juice not worth the squeeze.

My current part-time job is working for a 70+ year old acting a modeling school teaching kids and teens.  The curriculum is a 10 week course, and so far I have only subbed a few classes.  This past weekend I got the opportunity to work one of the recruiting events, or "free workshop" classes designed to entice kids to take the classes.

I got the email and it said to be there by 9:30AM, and there would be "workshops" at 10, 12, 3 and 5 and that lunch would be provided.  I figured that the last workshop would be maybe an hour or so and that I would be done by 6:30 or 7:00PM at the latest.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

We didn't start the first workshop until about 10:30 or 10:45AM due to technical difficulties, and the workshops were lasting anywhere from 2-3 hours EACH. That is 2-3 hours of trying to entertain kids ranging from 6-18 years old. Two to three hours of wrangling bored parents into clapping for everyone and who could care less about any other child but their own.  And then repeat these tasks for FOUR different workshops. The last workshop of the day started at about 6:30PM and I was not done until almost 9:00PM. I barely got 30 minutes to scarf down the free lunch provided (a soggy Subway sandwich) and was standing in my heels practically the whole day.  And YES I would like some cheese with my whine.

If I didn't like the regular teaching gig so much/it didn't pay as well as it does I would have walked out of there at about 5PM, giving them a few choice words not fit for young ears.  But.  I would like to continue to work for them.  So.  I stayed.  But now I know.  If they ever want me to work a "free workshop" day again, they can go fuck themselves.

wishful thinking

When I applied for this job they indicated that I would be working five hour shifts comprised of twenty-five minute presentations followed by twenty minute breaks.  So there was no lunch break scheduled in.  No big deal because it would only be five hours total and several large breaks in between, right? uhm, NO.  They also said I would average between $600-800/week.  BHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! hilarious. except, not.

:/

First, if you're the morning shift you're expected to get there about 45 minutes to an hour early to set everything up for the day or conversely if you're an evening shift stay about 45 minutes or an hour after to close everything down for the night. Plus about 30 minutes on the opposite end of your shift for the shift-change duties.  Second, these "20 minute breaks" are actually time in between presentations where you spend at least 15 of those minutes cleaning up from your last show/setting up for your next show.  You may or may not have five minutes to use the restroom, eat, or send a text message. Your total day is closer to 7 1/2 hours with no break.

Let me paint a picture of what this looks like.  You arrive at your national chain grocery store and find where there is a large booth.  Usually it is in the coldest part of the store near the meat or produce sections.  You turn on a GOBO light that flashes the company logo in multi-colored 80's-ness all over the ceiling. You find the produce cooler and get your pesticide-ridden grossly oversized produce (have you ever seen a carrot the size of a coke can?) that has been purchased from somewhere that is obviously downwind of a nuclear power plant and bring those to the booth.  You count stock, buy a cantaloupe and make a melon basket (for the show; don't ask), fill your water pails, and a few other tasks to get ready.

Then, you go over the store's pager system and try and hustle up some people to watch you slice and dice.  "Ladieeeeees and gentlemen.  May I have your attention please! I'm going to give you a free gift in order to entice you to let your ice cream melt for 20 minutes while I show you a kitchen tool that you don't need, didn't come here to buy, but is really handy if you have an extra thirty bucks! Head on over to the white booth where you see the flashing light on the ceiling and wait for my to get my butt from one side of the store to the other. I'll be there once I make one more annoying announcement over the PA system."  (wait about 30-45 seconds) "This is your second annoying announcement! If you want a free piece of plastic, pretty please come to my booth so I can try to sell you something so I can hopefully pay my bills! Pretty please! Ok, I'm on my way over there now! Are you there yet? Please be there.  Thank you."

Of course the phone that you have to use for the announcement invariably is on the other side of the huge conglomerate store so you race over and with any luck greet a group of people (usually around 5-10 shoppers) that hopefully aren't completely annoyed that they've been waiting two whole minutes for you to get there.  You greet them, and then one more announcement at the booth to try and get one or two more stragglers to watch you slice and dice.

Finally.  You're ready.  You show them the free gift and how to use it.  You hope that everyone at least stays for the free gift. You hand out the free gift and beg them to stay for the main part of the presentation.  You present the slicer-dicer.  Most people oooh and ahhh, and usually at least one or two leave during the presentation.  Now, remember not to be too nice.  People don't like you if you're nice.  (WTF???) They think you're trying to sell them something. (duh) So be kind of bitchy.  Now you've chopped and diced nine different pieces of produce and displayed them nicely on your cutting board. Deep breath.  Now you've got to sell them on the price.  Make sure you go slow.  Like, so slow you feel more uncomfortable than you've ever felt.  People are dumb (remember they don't like nice people; how smart can they be) and cannot make a decision so you've got to give them time.

this is not me.  

By then end, hopefully you've got a few takers. The worst is when they all  stay for the whole 25 minutes and then say "thank you" and leave.  You know you were too nice if they do that.  Quit being so nice!!! (side note, why the hell would you stay for a presentation for 25 minutes in the grocery store if you weren't going to buy the thing! honestly. who throws a shoe!?!)

Anyway, lets just say this second week of presentations hasn't exactly been going great.  I have sold some, but not nearly enough to make ends meet or even point in the direction of meeting.  I think I'm going to turn in my two weeks notice. That will give me one more week of guaranteed money and then one week of "you're on your own" commission-only money.  If by some stroke of luck I learn how to not be nice (but not toooo much of a bitch either) and can start to sell a reasonable amount, I'll rescind my two weeks.  And I'll use that money to buy a parka because hell will surely have frozen over.

*giggle*

Oh, man-candy-site, you slay me.  A short, bald man stands in front of two porches (main profile pic/insecure about my small penis and compensating with muscle cars pic), second pic drinks coffee from a large mug that emphasizes his little mini-monkey hands, and then lounges in a "retro-chic" 60's style apartment again with the miniature hands, who then emails me this:

Hi, I am Ray, I read your profile. Most of my friends think that I should be a comedian, but unfortunately I never had any desire to be famous or a performer. So Would you like to have lunch may be you can use some of my materials. I am not looking for money or anything. I just like to get to know you and go from there (310) xxx-xxxx

Little do you know Ray that you have already given me so much comedic material without even meaning to! And no, I will not be giving you any sort of royalties or any other such monetary compensation, but *funny* that you would think your "material" would be worth anything.  Just for fun, let's see how you describe yourself:  

I am a highly respectable, charming man who enjoys going out and have a nice conversation over dinner and a glass of wine. I am looking for healthy, drama free relationship. I Think the most important aspect in a relationship is respecting one another and hopefully the rest will fall in to its palce. I am looking for an ambitious, sociable woman who knows what she wants. I am here to find the woman that i click with. Therefore, I am not her to waste time cause My time is extremely valuable to me as I am sure yours too.By the way. I read the profiles throughly. It seems that most of ladies in here are just wanna eat. What happened is there is a food shortage in Los Angeles. lol.

Apparently, you read profiles "throughly" but haven't spent much time on your own.  Spell check much? Grammar? Punctuation?? "Therefore" (Bahahahahaha) "I am not her to waste time cause My time..." oh and I guess he includes some of his comedy material, "What happened is there a food shortage in Los Angeles." wow.  I am blown away by your hilarty.  Oh and really, all women want is food? But you like to have dinner and wine and then ask me to lunch.  Pot/kettle much? 

You should message me if:  

you are respectable and classy.

Find me one woman who doesn't think they are respectable and classy.  Even if in reality they aren't.  OK, so maybe there's one who knows she is dis-respectable and trashy. So find me two women.  Try.  You can't.   

rule breaker

ok so remember that one time day-before-yesterday that I was all "woe is me" and "look at the pretty little white girl with enough food to eat and a roof over her head and feel sorry for her because the boy she likes isn't being as attentive as she wants" and "would you like some wine with that whine? (yes, please)" because the lead contender from the man-candy-store hadn't contacted me? Wellllll, I may have sent him one eensy-weensy little textypoo at 10:30pm that night.  And he may or may not have responded asking me if I had plans for the next day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so he didn't ask me out 3 days in advance (hello, "the rules" do work y'all) and I shouldn't have texted him at 10:30 at night, buuuuuut I got what I wanted /slash/ I'm a rule breaker /slash/ I'm a total weakling. (incedentally, google images of "weakling" produces one of Justin Bieber.  bahahahahaa!)

Despite my belief in certain rules of dating and my subsequent failure to adhere, yesterday Herman* picks me up and takes me to a lovely little spot in Burbank for brunch.  Fun, easy conversation, and then after we pick up a coffee and head over to a local park where we walk and sit and chat and then oh holy heck look at the time! mama's gotta get to her fourth of july shindig.  Get me home, loverboy!

One of the things I like about this guy is he always "takes me home/to my car" rather than "drops me off/lets me out." What I mean by that is after our date he parks the car, turns off the ignition, gets out and walks me to the door. Most guys would pull up outside and put the car in park and wait for you to get out.

Blah, blah, blah get to the point!!! So the BIG NEWS is that he invited me to accompany him to a birthday party on Saturday! I'm meeting the friends! Woohoo! ...ohmygod ...what am I going to wear!?!?




*name changed to protect the innocent

Fun with Pictures Part II

Listen to this:

While looking at this:

pix purposely put on an internet dating site with intention of attracting a girlfriend.