a year and a half later...

I think I got tired of posting the same shit wrapped up differently that I stopped posting. Dating sucks. Blah Blah Blah. Work sucks. Blah Blah Blah. And even less interesting, I have a great job and a boyfriend. blah blah blah

I suppose I should have worked harder on making my life different or more interesting, but instead I succumbed to the monotony of shitty dating in LA and eking out a living wage. Which I must say, earning a living wage in LA is no small feat when you are doing the side hustle jobs and your "career" doesn't have a straightforward trajectory like more classic choices. And said "career" doesn't exactly "pay" when you are not "famous." Or it does "pay" but the "pay" is "deferred" until the film/show/short/webseries/whatever makes money, which is usually "never."

Anyway, I digress.

I have been dating, and working a job that doesn't suck. The dating, well, that pretty much has stayed sucky. I have been stood up THREE times this year and ghosted I couldn't even tell you how many times. I am absolutely sick and tired of guys who just don't even seem to try. Uhm, hello??? We matched, we chatted, and then.... *poof*

Or we match and don't even chat before *poof*

I long for the days where a guy actually had to come up with the nerve to call you. At least then they were partially invested and had a small iota of follow through. Maybe it might even culminate in a date!!

Pretty sure this is how old timey phones worked.

ANYWAY I say all this to preface the next post where I will regale you with the tale of crazy-pants Dan* who managed to hide his crazy for nearly 3 full dates before it came out faster than a dick-pic from an online troll and with more 180˚ turnaround than a bought-and-paid-for politician after election.

*name changed to protect the crazy. 

no butts about it

Tinder likes butts and they cannot lie
These pictures can't deny
when a man swipes in with a nudie pic and a butt crack in my face I swipe LEFT. 

because ewww. gross.

I'm no Sir Mix-a-Lot and these guys shouldn't have put it all out there for the interwebs to have until eternity.

Bedbug - er, butt

Muscle butt

You can pick your friends, you can pick your butt, but please don't pick your friend's butts

Sudsy butt

butt selfie

butt ring

Beach Bum!!

Douchery: Part Two

Remember that one time I joined Tinder? I was flabbergasted by the number of atrocious profile pix I encountered in the first 24 hours of membership. There were so many I didn't want to overwhelm by putting them all in one entry. You can see Douchery: Part One here, and read on to see the rest.

These are by far more horrifying than the ones you've already seen. *shudders*

Y'all keep in mind this is his MAIN PHOTO used to attract members of the opposite sex. Eww. I do not want to see your little black curlies peeking over the top of your pants nor do I need to see the outline of your manbits in the fabric. This is so much more offensive than your standard shirtless picture. Dear darling idiot Jacob, I almost hope you thought you were posting on Grindr not Tinder, because that is who it looks like you are trying to attract.

My guess is Sergio has a small penis. Why else would your main profile picture be a phallus gun? Also, if I were to go out with him I would be more than a little scared. If you advertise yourself as a gun, I worry that you are abusive, controlling, and an asshole. No, no, not all gun owners are these things, just like #notallmen rhetoric. But not all gun owners put their gun in a place their face should be.

Look, I am not a prude (well, maybe a little) and am cool with whatever y'all want to do to each other consensually in the privacy of your homes. But in "public"? In the everlasting world of the internets where things NEVER DISAPPEAR??? Obscene. And what is it with guys with armband/tribal tattoos wearing women's things? (see my prior post if you haven't already)

Yes, that is a man wiping his ass with the American flag. It was so unbelievable that I had to look twice too. Let me be clear - I am the first to fight for free speech. My mother is a librarian, for chrisssakes. I have never been through a nudescope at the airport because I feel it violates my rights. I have the most extremely opposite views of Westboro Baptists but would fight for their right to speak their minds; and I love that we live in a country where we can all say what we want and not go to jail for it. All that being said, I do not want to see someone basically taking a dump in front of me on a dating site.

So maybe it is reallyreallyreally important that you let me know you own a gun, or that you shit on America. You can have up to six pictures, put it in as number three or four. Or even better, write about it in your bio. I know, you only get 500 words in the bio section and a picture is worth 1000, but sometimes brevity is best.

just puked in my mouth a little

here's an excerpt from an online dating profile of a real winner:

The six things I could never do without Sparkling water, internet, blow jobs, music, Jack Purcell's, white t-shirts, side boob (oops that's 7)

lord give me strength... telling me that you can't live without BJs doesn't exactly entice me to give you one. and side boob? somehow that makes it all even worse.  eww...

***

Please, pretty please put your dick back in the box.

MY BIRRRTHDAYYYYYYYYY

Google'd "my birthday." Made up my own captions.

Truer words were never spoken. 

hey Red Nissan - 20 points if you get the kid with the shopping cart! 

some creepy dolls. seriously, look at the one top right.  stalker-missing-kidney-like-urban-legend 

Creepier than those dolls up there.  *shudder*

uhm, I ... er, uh... it's a uhm *gulp* how do you... right. so the tassle just - - OK. 

oh no you di'int

Went down to SD this weekend for my bestie's bachelorette party.  This isn't her first rodeo in the wedding arena so she didn't really want to do the whole fake-veil/penis-straw/feather-boa route but rather a dignified dinner at a wine bar.  I obligingly did not purchase any traditional bachelorette accoutrements.

Well, multiple bottles of wine later, a latecomer to the party brought the very classy penis-wine-charms which instantly became earrings and nose-rings.  Never underestimate a woman in her 30s or 40s to revert to immaturity when wine is mixed with penii.

Anyway lets just say the evening ended with my tongue not working anymore (slurring much?) and the cabbie offering us a beer for the ride home.  Oh, and me texting Herman*...

Mmmmmyeah.  I had to clean that mess up the next morning! Luckily he seemed to get a chuckle out of the whole situation.  But really, not my finest hour nor my best "move" in trying to nab a man.  Drunk-text is soooo not attractive in the wooing, especially when one has already been rejected.

Finally, I will say that there are an inordinate amount of HOTTIES in San Diego! I think there was a perpetual piece of drool hanging out of my slack-jawed mouth all weekend! Surfers, cyclists, runners, OH MY! Hmmm maybe I should move my search for a BF down south?