Douchery: Part One

Apparently all the cool kids are using Tinder for dating these days, so I thought I would try it next. Because I am nothing if not cool. *quakes with laughter*

I will say I am enjoying the expediency of knocking through the losers and fuglys and the "I couldn't be bothered to write anything for my profile" guys. I can swipe left like nobody's business. But I have to say the number of wierdos I have encountered in less than 24 hours of participation is astounding.

Let's look at a few, shall we? We'll start with some of the milder offenders.

This one isn't particularly offensive, but your main picture is not only of three dudes (which one are you), but they are all masked??? How did Ryan think this would be the best pic to invite someone to swipe right? (or click the green heart, as it were) An easy "NO."

I actually gotta give this guy some credit for originality. It takes something to not only purposely give yourself that tan line but to blast it to the internets/potential mates. *notice I left alone the tribal tattoo and the armband tattoo. I have nothing if not tact. ;)

Do you remember the "hot felon?" Well Christopher decided to entice the ladies with that criminal's mugshot. I went ahead and clicked through to see what he really looked like and let's just say disappointed doesn't even begin to cover it. Don't tease me with sexy hottttness and then you be, uhm, not.

Perhaps he thought that the ladies would swoon over the fact that he is a singer. I am mildly horrified that we have 11 friends in common on facebook.

Ok lovies, that's enough for now... more scandalous pix from the first 24 hours of Tinder coming soon!

Only in LA

Since I got a raise at work, I decided to treat myself to ... a diamond ring new car massage housekeeper. I'm still frugal, so I scoured Groupon for a deal, and found Handy. I scheduled a time for someone to come clean my house. Now I usually keep a fairly clean house, but between me, my female roommate and the three cats between us, I get tired of vacuuming. So it was either say fuckitall, or hire a specialist.

I chose the latter.

Well, right on the dot my cleaning lady Maureen rang the buzzer. First strange thing I noticed, she speaks perfect English. Then she arrives at my door, and the second surprise. She is GORGEOUS. No, I didn't accidentally order a stripper-maid, she was a regular maid. She wore shapeless baggy sweats, her hair was in an un-brushed ponytail, but she was just beautiful.

I showed her around and she got to work. Every so often she would ask me a question about something, and toward the end we were both in the same room and started chatting a bit. Lo and behold, my beautiful articulate housekeeper is also ... wait for it ... an actress and screenwriter. She went to school for screenwriting and journalism and has aspirations of acting.

In any other town in America your maid would be an undocumented worker from Mexico or the Philippines or Czech Republic, but not LA. In LA you get yet another wanna-be actress.

"I'm an actress." "Oh really? What restaurant?"

I suppose as far as flexible jobs go, would you rather sling food at assholes or clean up after one? More power to her. And next time I can't deal with vacuuming or get writers block, I know who to call.

happy nude year

first post of 2013... and I'm sick.  Sore throat and snotty nose.  Ugh.  What a way to start things out.  Thankfully The Tudors has just been added to Hulu Plus so I've got that on marathon. Nothing like a show full of exceptionally hot men getting naked all the time to make a girl feel better.

Henry Cavill aka Henry Droolville

Jonathan Rhys Meyers aka Jonathan I want his Oscar Meyer

One more for good measure.  mmmm.

OK so maybe there are only two exceptionally hot men getting naked all the time. Whatever. Quit yelling at me.

Anyway I've never really been one for resolutions anyway.  Lose weight, make more money, blah blah blah.  Why do you need a new calendar year to get off your butt and do something for yourself or others? Resolutions never last a whole year anyway.  I do have some goals for this year and am excited to accomplish them.  Although, I got a car last year so if I get a job and a boyfriend this year, do I stop writing? hmmm... to be continued...

oh no you di'int

Went down to SD this weekend for my bestie's bachelorette party.  This isn't her first rodeo in the wedding arena so she didn't really want to do the whole fake-veil/penis-straw/feather-boa route but rather a dignified dinner at a wine bar.  I obligingly did not purchase any traditional bachelorette accoutrements.

Well, multiple bottles of wine later, a latecomer to the party brought the very classy penis-wine-charms which instantly became earrings and nose-rings.  Never underestimate a woman in her 30s or 40s to revert to immaturity when wine is mixed with penii.

Anyway lets just say the evening ended with my tongue not working anymore (slurring much?) and the cabbie offering us a beer for the ride home.  Oh, and me texting Herman*...

Mmmmmyeah.  I had to clean that mess up the next morning! Luckily he seemed to get a chuckle out of the whole situation.  But really, not my finest hour nor my best "move" in trying to nab a man.  Drunk-text is soooo not attractive in the wooing, especially when one has already been rejected.

Finally, I will say that there are an inordinate amount of HOTTIES in San Diego! I think there was a perpetual piece of drool hanging out of my slack-jawed mouth all weekend! Surfers, cyclists, runners, OH MY! Hmmm maybe I should move my search for a BF down south?

*drool*

So it is summer, and there's nothing on TV.  I turn to my Hulu Plus for a little mind-numbing entertainment.  There's really nothing on, so I decide to watch a few minutes of The Choice, which is basically The Voice but instead of singing for the celebs you get to date them.

Sweet baby jesus why oh WHY did I not audition for this reality show instead? You know who one of the celebs was?

ONE OF THE HOTTTTTTTEST MEN ALIVE

Tyson Hotford.  I mean, Beckford.  Seriously? How does one human have so much hotness? And he's not stupid! Like, he can hold a conversation! Although if I were out with him, I might be rendered speechless.  Now there'd be a feat.

Ooooh, I know! Let's fill this blog with more pix of Tyson.

You wanna take a dip in my pool, Tyson? 

Tyson, you "suit" me just fine. 

Oh Tyson, let's not make a "spectacle" of ourselves, shall we? 

OMG I love sushi too! We have so much in common. 

And now that I've sufficiently made myself look like a stalker, I'll just gather my spycam, telephoto lenses, and Surveillance System and pretend none of this ever happened.  Lalalalalalaaaaa