offsides chick

Sometimes I google old boyfriends. Just to see. Not my proudest moments, but... whatever. Like you've never done anything embarrassing. I'm not sure what made me think of him, but the other day I decided to look up Chris (fka "Todd" on this blog, but I don't give a shit about protecting his identity anymore). He doesn't do social media except for his sportscaster personality page on FB and a work twitter. And he has a common name so even if he did, I wouldn't necessarily be able to find his personal accounts.

After we ended things back in January 2015, I saw some tweet that made me think he was dating his co-worker the traffic gal at his TV News station. The tweet just said she was pretty, which could have been nothing, but... my gut said otherwise. At the time I wondered if he started dating her after we broke up or if she was the reason for the breakup. Of course she also has a very common name, so I can't find her anywhere on social media either except for her professional page... until the other day when I decide to google their two names together. *side note - I should teach a class on google stalking* And I find their "The Knot" page. They are getting married this summer.

I quickly click over to the "about us" section and see they have been dating since approximately May 2014. Chris and I dated Sept 2014 - Jan 2015. I even double check my old calendar to make sure. Yep. There's my flights to Seattle, his flight to LA, our dates, everything. I feel sick. This is the guy that wanted to spend Christmas with me and my family. But is also the guy who also wouldn't tell his parents about me because he "didn't like his parents nosing in his relationships."

And for a little light reading...

Here is the post about when we met.

Here is the post about our "first dates".

And the one where we were over.

Now the thing is, I was good with the whole situation. I had long ago made peace with the fact that we were not supposed to be together, that long distance was a much too difficult way to begin a relationship, that I deserved someone who made me a priority. I still feel that way. But now it is thrust upon me that I was inadvertently and unknowingly a side-chick.

did NOT know. *facepalm*

Mostly I feel badly for her. I don't know if she knows about me. I don't know anything about their relationship, but in general by the 5 month mark things are fairly serious and perhaps the "L" word has even been bandied about. They would have been dating about 5 months when he started things with me and seemingly juggled two "schmoopies" for a while. If it were me, I would want to know.

where is all started, and the happy couple

For their sake I hope I was a one-time-couldn't-resist-my-charms-fell-momentarily-in-love-but-then-realized-the-error-of-his-ways fluke and he is true to her now. As for me, I'm going to review my intuition see if it needs an overhaul.

GRATITUDE

One week ago I was challenged by one of my oldest friends to publicly list on Facebook three things I was grateful for each day for a week.  What an amazing challenge. I may complain a lot, but I really do have so many wonderful things and people in my life.  Big realizations:

1. I am not my circumstances.  And, my circumstances are pretty good - uhm, hello? First world country? Yes please.

2. I have some truly amazing people in my life.

3. I really love wine.

What was wonderful is I was able to challenge some people who don't normally post mushy gushy motivational positive shit on their updates. I was also able to spread it to several different friend-groups.

So here's my challenge to you, dear reader, give it a go. List three things each day you are grateful for. And you can't list them in your head. You gotta facebook, insta, tweet, vine your gratefuls.  The good news is you can challenge others! Let's do this. Let's spread some goodness in this world.

Here are three images I found under the search "spread love."

Awwww...

Uhmm...

what the...

And just a final note... I found these images on Bing.  Yes, that's right, I said BING.com.  Wtf happened to Google search? It used to be that you could look at the pictures without being taken to the host website, and now, you can't preview the picture bigger than it's thumbnail, you click and it takes you to the site (whatever site that may be...) which might be a site you don't want to go to and sometimes the advertised picture isn't even there! What the hell is the world coming to that I would actively choose BING??? (sigh) Grateful Shmateful.

***UPDATE***
apparently it is my dumb old computer that makes google image search shitty. I have an older version of Safari that can't be upgraded unless I upgrade my computer. Shitty computer. But I don't want to buy a new one, so... shitty old computer is my computer for now.

Ain't that a sexy beast? 

Princess Joanna

It astounds me how many low-paid jobs there are out there.  I live in Los Angeles, where a shit-hole apartment in a not-so-great part of town runs monthly from $600 (for a bachelor) to $1000 (for a one bedroom).  There is an abundance of jobs that pay between $8-12/hour, or $12-15 for skilled, experienced workers.  Assuming you work 40 hours a week, that is approximately $20,800 - $29,120/year.  Before taxes.  Your take-home each month would range from $1213 - $1698 a month.  Let's say you want something extravagant, like a stove or a kitchen sink, your rent is conceivably EIGHTY PERCENT (80%) of your total income.   And don't get me started if you actually wanted to live in a decent part of town.

I am by no means a princess (although my father would disagree), but I will NOT work for these low wages.  Unemployment pays more than most of these jobs!

editor's note: Alice in Wonderland, not a princess

And if I'm being perfectly honest, some of these jobs paying $unlivable-wage/hour I wouldn't even qualify for!! I mean, I'm college educated, have held positions of management, ran offices, run the seating for one of the busiest restaurants in Manhattan, and played mommy for multiple children.  I'm not exactly skill-less. Buuuuut I don't know HTML, don't have any kind of teaching credential, I'm not bilingual, can't say I have past experience doing "extensive script coverage," graphic editing skills, and the list goes on and on... all for under $15/hour.  Puh-leeeeeze!

Just to give an example (and I know it was NYC, but still), 10+ years ago I was making $15/hour as a hostess at a nice restaurant. I just quickly surfed CL and found three similar positions.  One was $9/hr, one $10/hr and one for $12/hr.  Not that I would want these jobs, but my restaurant experience was so long ago I probably wouldn't even get hired anyway!

This job-hunting business is one of the most painful, grueling processes ever.  Like, worse than braces.  And I wore headgear.

Not actually me.  Some poor wretch from google images. 

Is it so much to ask that I can have a job that doesn't suck horribly, pays my bills and then some, and is flexible enough that I can audition whenever they come up and I get to sleep late some days? Or do I have to suck it up like most Americans and live a life of mediocrity and squashed dreams?

Maybe one day (a long time from now) I'll give up the dream and marry for money. You know, because there's tons of guys looking for a trophy wife over 30...

yeah... she's really into him. 

*to be fair, there are jobs out there that I would qualify for that would pay in the $60-100K range, but I would have to sell my soul to some gawd-awful company that would bleed my dry emotionally.  And I just don't like crying on the way to work.  It smears my mascara. 

feelin frisky

So I work selling the help-button made famous by a really horrendous 80's commercial where a decrepit old lady fell and couldn't get up.  I never imagined I would have such fun talking to octogenarians!

Just the other day, I'm returning the call of a gentleman who had inquired about the help-button.  Well, Mr. Jacob Truelove* (yes that's really his last name!) from Louisiana was quite the, er, uh... talker! He was calling since he's 81 and lives alone at "the lake."  Our conversation went something like this:

Me: 

Hi Jacob this is Joanna from LifeClick*

JT: 

(in a thick Louisiana drawl) Well hi there Jo-Annaw

Me: 

I was calling you back about the help-button. What made you decide to call?

JT: 

Well, I lee-uv out here on the layke, and its juss me out heeyer, so I thought I would git some information for if ah ever need it.

Me: 

Well, (lying through my teeth) you don't sound old enough to need it; how young are you?

JT: 

(proudly) I'm 81 years yung.

Me: 

Oh wow! You sound so much younger! (not)

JT: 

(hack, cough) Thank yew! I've herd that before. So tell me about this Lahf-Click thang.

Me: 

Well, one push of the button and you've got help, whether you just want us to call a neighbor to come help you--

JT: 

Oh there ain't no one around me. I own this layke frunt propertee and no one around for miles. Jess the way I like it!

Me: 

Oh, ok well we can also call the paramedics for you if need be, and you can also push the button and we can dispatch police.

JT: 

Oh I won't never need no po-leece. I've got a gun, and I ain't afraid to use it. You sound real nahce, where you cawlling frum?

Me: 

I'm in Los Angeles.

JT: 

Oh I been out there bah-fore. Ahm out here in Loosiana. Yew ever been?

Me: 

Not since I was two, so I don't remember much.

JT: 

Well, yew should come out and visit me on the layke. Yew know, I'm still real WILD.

Me: 

Oh I bet you are. 

JT: 

Yew know it.

Me: 

Do you still drive, James? We have a 911 phone for when you're away from home. 

JT: 

Oh yeah! I tole you I'm still real Wild. I can still do lots of thangs. You should come out an visit me here at the layke. I got four alleegators and I feed'em cookies. 

Me: 

Cookies? For alligators?

JT: 

Oh yeah, I juss say, "c'mon boys" and they just come on over and I give'em cookies. 

Me: 

You're not afraid of them biting you?

JT: 

Naw, them boys is mah friends. 

Me: 

Oh, I see...

JT: 

Now this Lahf-Click thang, Ah don't know that Ah want it now, but yew could cawl me anytahm, even when yer not at work, ya know. 

Me: 

Uhm.

JT: 

I bet yer WILD too arn'cha? 

Me: 

You know it.

JT: 

Yeah, you should come visit me here at the layke. 

Me: 

If you bought a Life-Click from me maybe I will. (don't judge, mama needs a paycheck)

JT: 

Haha! Well, you come on out heeyer and we'll see about that. 

Me: 

(feeble laughter)

JT: 

Well, Ah'll let yew git back to work, but really, yew could cawl me anytime, when yer not at work even, oh-kay? Ah like tawlkin to yew. 

Me: 

Trust me, the pleasure has been all mine. 

JT: 

Ah'll bet it has. 

(Coincidentally, when you google images for "wild old man" a picture of Lindsay Lohan comes up.)  

I'm REAL Wild, ya know... 

*names kinda changed

MY BIRRRTHDAYYYYYYYYY

Google'd "my birthday." Made up my own captions.

Truer words were never spoken. 

hey Red Nissan - 20 points if you get the kid with the shopping cart! 

some creepy dolls. seriously, look at the one top right.  stalker-missing-kidney-like-urban-legend 

Creepier than those dolls up there.  *shudder*

uhm, I ... er, uh... it's a uhm *gulp* how do you... right. so the tassle just - - OK.