Stripper Bootcamp

(First, hit play on the video above. Listen as you read this post.)

No doubt when you read the title of this entry you had an image in your mind that looked something along these lines:

Oscar worthy

Mmmyeah notsomuch.  Tonight I went to another class with my stripper groupon.  Apparently they are doing a Halloween show, and they will be teaching some of the choreography in class.  First, warmups.  These include pelvic thrusts and other gyrations on the floor.  The teacher is Chubbs, the one who sounds like a mix between Charlie Brown's teacher and a hyena, and she barks at us orders like "hips up! up higher! HIGHER!!!"

pretty much just like this

Next, and this is where it really felt like bootcamp, we did some "across the floor" work.  We did something called the "vagina monster" one way across the room, and then back across the floor was sexy-crawling alternating with humping motions.  I'm sure it was supposed to be sexy-ish, but it was more like this:

(for fun, google images "vagina monster." it won't look like this. )

Then we did one twirl combination around the pole, and finally we got chairs to learn some choreography. (are you listening to the song?)

Let me tell you, Chubbs is not now, nor ever been a dancer.  How do I know? On teaching the dance, there was nary an 8 count or even a lyric to put the moves to.  There was an occasional move that went to a word in the song, but it was questionable whether one would actually hit the beat at that moment because you had no format to go on, no idea if a particular move was supposed to be fast or slow.  And drill instructor Chubbs was barking orders all the while, expecting you to know approx 32 counts after watching her do it twice.  (if this is greek to you, just know that normally you'd learn 8 counts at a time) "HIP, HIP, BOOTY!" "FAN KICK, STAND, WIGGLE!" "WALK WALK, LEG, SIT!"

I left wishing the owner had been teaching.  She calls us all "beautiful" and "godesses" and always tells us how "amazing" we are doing even if we look completely spastic like a cockroach being sprayed with Raid.  Instead, we got the fatty-stripper-nazi yelling at us and in no way celebrating femininity or grace.  My 30 days will be over on the 11th, and I think I will chalk this up as a "learning experience" and move on to the next.