swindle-bots

The Tinderland adventures continue....

Recently I have noticed some guys "about me" sections are filled with bitterness about why bother writing this section when this app is all about looks, and how they keep matching with "bots" and are there any real profiles on here, etc. One guy in particular apparently matched more than once with a girl whose phone mysteriously stopped working and wouldn't you mind going to my website?

insert credit card number here...

I feel only slightly lucky that there don't seem to be such "bots" luring the women.

First of all, who do these men expect to attract with their bitter-betty attitudes? And second, these guys are usually not very good looking. No looks and a shitty attitude? No wonder they only match with people trying to sell them something!! And clearly they have no brains either because they fall for it...

well.


Dear these men,

On a scale of 1 - 10, you are clearly a 4. Maybe even a 6 on a really really good day. If you match with a woman who is a 10+++, you are mistaken if you think she really likes you. Capitalists are everywhere, and as one can tell by the absolute infinite amount of porn on the internet, every advertising campaign ever, and the website www.sugardaddyforme.com, they especially prey on men who are thinking with their dicks.

Maybe next time work on your attitude, take a trip to the gym (or 20), and post something about yourself someone might want to know, not just how you have been swindled. Oh, and maybe just maybe, if she looks like she's out of your league, she is.

Sincerely,
Every woman in your Tinder feed

Douchery: Part Two

Remember that one time I joined Tinder? I was flabbergasted by the number of atrocious profile pix I encountered in the first 24 hours of membership. There were so many I didn't want to overwhelm by putting them all in one entry. You can see Douchery: Part One here, and read on to see the rest.

These are by far more horrifying than the ones you've already seen. *shudders*

Y'all keep in mind this is his MAIN PHOTO used to attract members of the opposite sex. Eww. I do not want to see your little black curlies peeking over the top of your pants nor do I need to see the outline of your manbits in the fabric. This is so much more offensive than your standard shirtless picture. Dear darling idiot Jacob, I almost hope you thought you were posting on Grindr not Tinder, because that is who it looks like you are trying to attract.

My guess is Sergio has a small penis. Why else would your main profile picture be a phallus gun? Also, if I were to go out with him I would be more than a little scared. If you advertise yourself as a gun, I worry that you are abusive, controlling, and an asshole. No, no, not all gun owners are these things, just like #notallmen rhetoric. But not all gun owners put their gun in a place their face should be.

Look, I am not a prude (well, maybe a little) and am cool with whatever y'all want to do to each other consensually in the privacy of your homes. But in "public"? In the everlasting world of the internets where things NEVER DISAPPEAR??? Obscene. And what is it with guys with armband/tribal tattoos wearing women's things? (see my prior post if you haven't already)

Yes, that is a man wiping his ass with the American flag. It was so unbelievable that I had to look twice too. Let me be clear - I am the first to fight for free speech. My mother is a librarian, for chrisssakes. I have never been through a nudescope at the airport because I feel it violates my rights. I have the most extremely opposite views of Westboro Baptists but would fight for their right to speak their minds; and I love that we live in a country where we can all say what we want and not go to jail for it. All that being said, I do not want to see someone basically taking a dump in front of me on a dating site.

So maybe it is reallyreallyreally important that you let me know you own a gun, or that you shit on America. You can have up to six pictures, put it in as number three or four. Or even better, write about it in your bio. I know, you only get 500 words in the bio section and a picture is worth 1000, but sometimes brevity is best.

patchouli.

aka barfouli. aka stinkouli. aka gagouli. aka worse-than-old-lady-perfume-ouli.

I apologize to anyone that might wear the stench perfume patchouli, but the malodor feels to me like someone hot boxed some incense in my nose and the hot box was made of stabby things up through my nostrils to my brain. And for some reason 99.99999% of the people that wear patchouli put so much on that you can smell it from about a mile away.

granted, any perfume that you can smell from over 20 feet away is an affront.  I think this every time I pass an old lady that has been wearing the same perfume her whole adult life and now can no longer smell it/takes a bath in it. But for some reason, when someone has slathered themselves in patchouli (as happened this evening) I feel as though I am being assaulted.

Tonight this woman was wearing being owned by patchouli and it was all I could do to be around her without gagging. I tried as politely as possible to keep my hand around my nose so I would smell my own hand rather than her, and also kept as far away as possible, taking care to hold my breath around her and then make sure to breathe OUT first before breathing IN after I had left her general vicinity (and by general vicinity I mean a 25 foot radius) so that any smell that had snuck up in my nose might be expelled before I had to breathe in.

seriously, I want to tell anyone that thinks patchouli smells nice. just don't. If you must enjoy it, buy the incense sticks and burn out in your yard/patio/balcony/wooded area. But PLEASE, PLEASE keep it away from me. It smells so fucking foul that it makes me want to run away from you. And you might be a very nice person.

gahhhh I feel violated...

GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS

note to anyone who might ever want to teach a business seminar:

when you tell the attendees literally about 40 or 50 times that you aren't interested in their money, one begins to think "he doth protest too much."  uhmmmkay? not to mention that on the first day of your two day seminar you could have cut out about FOUR HOURS of the total TEN that we were sitting on our asses. Four hours of my day was spent listening to you fluffing your own ego, bragging and oozing self entitlement about how amazing your life is and how much money you have.  I'm not sure how you can see, Joel Bauer, as your head is so far up your ass it must seem like night to you all the time.

hey, who turned out the lights?!?!?

Bitter Betty, party of one.

Not to say that I didn't learn a ton, and I actually picked up some really useful tips and tricks that I am going to apply.  And the price was certainly right (FREE!!).  But that is time spent I will never get back.  Those 4-5 wasted hours where you blathered on about how amazing you are and the wonderful things you've done and how all these people have paid you all this money for the stupid shit you've done. WHO THE FUCK CARES??? Give me a 30-60 minute bio at the start of the event so I know who I'm learning from and then get to it. Jeez.  And whoever buys your stupid dvd set and 8 day business course will buy it, and those that won't buy it, you aren't convincing us by being a self-righteous prick.

Whew.  I guess I needed to get that off my chest. I went with a friend and she felt the same way:

clearly he was captivating enough to keep us all awake... er, uh...

Oh- and if I happen to get filthy stinking rich by using the tips and tricks I learned at the seminar, then please disregard anything said here.  Thank you.

just puked in my mouth a little

here's an excerpt from an online dating profile of a real winner:

The six things I could never do without Sparkling water, internet, blow jobs, music, Jack Purcell's, white t-shirts, side boob (oops that's 7)

lord give me strength... telling me that you can't live without BJs doesn't exactly entice me to give you one. and side boob? somehow that makes it all even worse.  eww...

***

Please, pretty please put your dick back in the box.

fun with pix part 5? 6? what number are we on?

Dear men,  

Please do not ever ever ever ever make the ducklips fish face in your online dating profile.  Unless you want to turn off every woman that looks at it... 

this is just NOT ok.  

Sincerely, 

Who-am-I-to-be-giving-dating-advice-clearly-I-haven't-found-a-man.

dating dumb-dumbs

if every section of your dating profile says "if you want to know, just ask" then... I don't want to know.  the whole point of this thing is you give just enough juice so I think you might be worth the squeeze.

What it says to me is that you are too lazy to actually spend 30-60 minutes answering the same dumb essay questions that everyone else had to answer.  Meaning you either don't think you're interesting enough to write something a woman would respond to, you're not taking this seriously and don't want to waste time unless she's really hot, or think you're sooo good looking that the ladies are just going to fall all over themselves wanting to know what you're like.  Or maybe all of the above.

Uh-oh.  I'm starting to sound like Bitter Betty.  Maybe I need to take a break from all of this for a hot minute. I'm going to head down to Sandy Eggo for some mid-week R&R with my bestie.  She's always one to make sure my head stays on my shoulders and not in some dark hole with my cats playing solitaire on my phone.