the masochist's diet plan

For those of you who are looking to lose a few pounds and don't mind a little torture, have I got the diet plan for you! I lost four pounds in 24 hours! All you have to do is eat some spoiled, pooped on, e-coli, salmonella food!!

*berf*

The only thing I can pinpoint that might have caused my unexpected weight loss was a bagel and cream cheese. It tasted fine. Maybe a fly pooped on it. Maybe the lady didn't wash her hands. Maybe I touched a door handle with bad germs. Whatever it was, a few hours later I was shopping for my boss in Target and all of a sudden that awful feeling came over me...

Uh oh...

So I'm in the seasonal area, and I can barely stand up without seeing stars. I have to sit down. Oh dear. I sit and wait, concentrating on breathing, for an employee to come by and ask where the bathroom was. "oh it is just on the complete other side of the store about as far away from here as possible - might as well be on the moon!" Greeaaaat.

I stumble about one aisle at a time, pausing only to keep myself from passing out. I finally make it to the bathroom... and it is being cleaned. Seriously.

Anyway, the bad news, I couldn't leave that Target for about an hour and had to stop twice on the way home. The good news is after about 24 hours I was good as new, and about four pounds lighter.

So next time you need to fit into those skinny jeans or wear a swimsuit tomorrow, just eat some tainted turkey, curdled cream cheese, spoiled salami, or gross gouda!

Who needs Weight Watchers!?

knock knock knockin' on...

My roommate opened the curtains today and I thought I might have gone blind.  I have not seen the sun in three days.  I have been at death's door with the flu.

Let me say this. I do not get sick.  I am not a sickly person.  You can hack and cough all around me, sneeze in my face, and I will continue on my merry way as healthy as an ox.

oxen

I have no idea where I caught this awful bug, but the downhill slide started at work Saturday.  I thought by the afternoon I was just feeling run down because it was a long day. Then the evening I had a chill, but I thought it was because the door the outside was open and there was a draft.  Until I got out to my car  to drive home and realized the temperature outside was 67 degrees.  And I was shivering in my sweater and coat. This was not good.

For the next 36 hours I was thisclose to death.  Or at least I wished I was because if I was dead I would not feel as awful as I felt.

Finally, after a trip to urgent care and the pharmacy, I am on the mend.  And I have watched more TV in the past three days than I would normally watch in a month.  I think my eyes are turning square.  And I never thought I would actually say this, but... I am bored of watching TV.  In fact, I am bored of everything.  Who wants to bring me a cookie? I promise not to breathe near you...