I think I need a new horse

I recently posted that I am "back in the saddle" of dating, and it is completely disappointing that it is the same crap that I dealt with the last time I did online dating.

No, overweight, troll-like 56 year old, I do not want to go out with you.  

No, dude who lives in Indiana (probably with his wife and kids) I don't want to get to know you better. 

No, guy who is more than 10 years my junior, I don't think we will have anything in common. 

Where is the guy who lives reasonably close to me (duuuude. all the hot guys live near the beach, about 45 minutes or an hour drive away from me. I don't do long distance), is reasonably hot (99.9% of the guys on this site are bfug), is reasonably tall, (as in over 5'11") and has a reasonable amount of brain cells floating around in his noggin (shall we say... more than two)?

If you know of anyone who fits these criteria, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE email me or facebook me or twitter me or write a comment here or send me a fucking courier pigeon.

Or I'll just adopt a few more cats and be done with it.

I already have two... it wouldn't take much. 

the masochist's diet plan

For those of you who are looking to lose a few pounds and don't mind a little torture, have I got the diet plan for you! I lost four pounds in 24 hours! All you have to do is eat some spoiled, pooped on, e-coli, salmonella food!!

*berf*

The only thing I can pinpoint that might have caused my unexpected weight loss was a bagel and cream cheese. It tasted fine. Maybe a fly pooped on it. Maybe the lady didn't wash her hands. Maybe I touched a door handle with bad germs. Whatever it was, a few hours later I was shopping for my boss in Target and all of a sudden that awful feeling came over me...

Uh oh...

So I'm in the seasonal area, and I can barely stand up without seeing stars. I have to sit down. Oh dear. I sit and wait, concentrating on breathing, for an employee to come by and ask where the bathroom was. "oh it is just on the complete other side of the store about as far away from here as possible - might as well be on the moon!" Greeaaaat.

I stumble about one aisle at a time, pausing only to keep myself from passing out. I finally make it to the bathroom... and it is being cleaned. Seriously.

Anyway, the bad news, I couldn't leave that Target for about an hour and had to stop twice on the way home. The good news is after about 24 hours I was good as new, and about four pounds lighter.

So next time you need to fit into those skinny jeans or wear a swimsuit tomorrow, just eat some tainted turkey, curdled cream cheese, spoiled salami, or gross gouda!

Who needs Weight Watchers!?

back in the saddle. yee-haw.

What does a girl do to get over the ex-boyfriend blues? Reactivates her online dating profile. (largest sigh possible)

...DOUBLE SIGH...

So. It's been one day and two emails from guys I wouldn't even dream of dating have already emailed me! I feel so popular. And as I was scrolling through the pictures of guys using the app's equivalent of "hot or not" --

-- you can swipe through people's pix, rating them on a 1-5 star level. *slides into black hole and disappears for hours*

The thing is, there are so many fugly people that the average ones start to look not so bad. It is kind of the same effect as beer goggles except you're home alone, sober, swiping at your phone.

So how does one meet guys these days? I don't want to spend every weekend at the bar. You spend way too much money, get a beer belly, and lose half of the next morning to a hangover. I don't love dating online - you have to sift through all the ones that you are not compatible with/not attracted to/are only looking for sex/have mommy issues/etc.  And even once you find one or two dudes that you might deign spend time with, most of the time the spark just isn't there. The older I get, the more my dating pool dries to a puddle.

Anybody have any attractive, available, sane guy friends? That make me laugh? That are at least 5'11"?That have a good job/business, are interested in getting married, don't have kids, don't have any weird hangups, likes my cats, likes to travel, can cook, has friends, and might want to take me out????? Kthx.

that's Madam PRINCESS to you

Well, finally I have ARRIVED. Bakersfield has crowned their queen and it is ME!!! 

When I arrived at work today and walked into the room where I teach, smack dab right where I usually preside over the minions was this:

uhm HELLO??? yes please.

seems so natural, doesn't it?

I suppose if I have to suffer through a hellish drive and then dealing with peasants, at least I am finally being treated like the royalty I am.


If you lowly servants need anything, I'll be reconnecting with my humble roots and my miniscule bank account. Ta-ta!

Disappointment, served cold.

So now that I'm one of those annoying people that counts calories, I look at things like serving size, grams of protein, and sodium percentages.  So why do so many of them make no sense?

First, the ones that make sense. One glass of wine, one serving. Yes, I still drink some wine, just not every night by the bottle. Wow that makes me sound like an alcoholic. I swear I'm not. Protesting doesn't make it sound any better, does it...

And a serving size that somewhat makes sense, Lindor truffles. Serving size, three truffles.

I could eat just three truffles. In fact, with some restraint, I could even just eat one or two. I am so saintly.

But then we get to pickle spears.  Serving size... 3/4 of a spear. Who on earth eats 3/4th of a pickle spear?

And don't even get me started on Girl Scout cookies.  You mean to tell me that a serving isn't one full sleeve of Thin Mints?? Preposterous.

Proof of their addictive qualities

FOUR COOKIES? That's it??? What? Who in their right mind can stop after only FOUR???? (sigh) the things I do to fit into my jeans...

Friday Night! Yeah! Wooo...

What to do on a Friday night when you're poor, single, and on a diet? Not much, apparently. My big event was a bowl of cocoa crispies and season 1 episode 1 of House of Cards.

uhh hello, of course I eat the GMO free, wind-powered kind!

Which, by the way, after watching the episode I wouldn't even think of watching another if it weren't for every other person's facebook status:

"OMGGGG House of Cards!! Whaaaaaaattt??!?!?!?!?"

and

"House of Cards -- SOOOO GOOOOD!!"

and

"House of Cards is my lover!"

etc.

What is it about the show? I mean, it has a talented cast, but the first episode did nothing for me. I guess it wouldn't be the first show in history to have a lame first episode and be an amazing show.  OR... maybe there just weren't enough shirtless buff men.  *ahem* Arrow and Beauty and the Best and even Vampire Diaries *ahem*  Wait... does this make me a teenage girl?  So what if I like a little eye candy on the boob tube? While listening to One Direction? And reading Bop magazine?

Disclaimer: I don't actually listen to One Direction but I might listen to NKOTB...

Maybe it's a good thing that I don't get too into this show. I watch way too much TV as it is. I should be spending more time doing productive shit. Like donating time to a charity or holding AIDS babies or painting my nails. Yeah, that's what I'll do. My cuticles look a little ragged.

Ooohhh so fancy

 

 

Diet is "Die" with a "T"

I had a rude awakening at the beginning of the year. My good friend Claire had begun a new business venture, and I thought I would help her by joining her fitness challenge.  She makes money for each person that participates. Plus I love a good challenge! Well, first thing we had to do was measure ourselves and step on the scale and... *gasp* how in the Sam-Hell did I put on 15+ pounds???? My pants are a little muffin toppy, and yeah my boobs are bigger, but wtf?!?!?

FATTY!!!!

Anyway, I immediately thanked my lucky stars for the wakeup call and the impending diet/workout plan.  The good news -- it is five weeks later and I'm nearly 12 pounds lighter.  The bad news, dammit I'm hungry.

I have never had such bad cravings; wanting to eat everything in sight! Maybe that's because I just ... ate everything in sight. That is, I just ate whatever I wanted.

And then I didn't exercise for months on end.

So I guess I shouldn't have been SO surprised that I had put on a few ell-bees.

It is just so strange, this calorie-counting, this withholding of foods, this ... diet. Or as Garfield would say:

Maybe this is just what happens when you reach "a certain age." Maybe finally finally finally my metabolism has caught up with me. ...or maybe I just drank too many empty calories. Drunky.

Either way, I'm powering through. Gonna drop at least 5 more pounds. Another 10 and I'm back to my high school weight.  hmmm.  nothing tastes as good as thin feels, eh? We'll see about that...