This guy

Several friends told me I had to open my search a bit for some new manmeat, and actually join a 'pay' dating site. (sigh) FINE.

I've been on about three weeks now, and after the initial flurry emails and winks from being the new girl, I'm now down to searching and doing the winking myself.

Here's (nearly) every dude's profile:

Down to earth driven guy who loves being active, I love staying in and watching Game of Thrones and I love going out with friends. I love hiking, working out, and I love staying in and cuddling on the couch. I'm looking for a fun laid back girl, who loves to have fun and also loves to chill. She has to be fun, but also fun. We have fun together. She has to be laid back, but also exciting. I also want her to be gorgeous and pretty, but doesn't take long to get ready. And we have fun and are laid back together. 

In reality, he's overweight and ugly, and probably boring. OK, that last part about being boring, I don't know unless I meet you. But your profile is boring.

Until... this guy.

First of all, 41??? Bahahahahaha right, sure, uh-huh, buddy. Let me buy you some sunscreen, because obviously you have never used it. Like, ever. Secondly, you're looking for someone 18-27? Gross. You have kids. You could even have a kid that was 18 and it wouldn't be weird. And you're not even divorced. Berf.

I'm already sickened. But then I read your biography section.

Thanks for telling me what I like, buddy because as a little lady, I sure as hell didn't know on my own. We females don't have that many brain cells.

Just so we're clear, if I were to ever tell you "I won't sleep with you" it means if you were the last person on earth and the human race depended on us procreating, I would feel very sad that there would be no more people.

Let me tell you Mr. Rape Culture Embodied, you are part (and in fact, perhaps even the spokesperson) of the "freakishly large percentage of loser guys," which is why you hear "I won't sleep with you" so often. You are an affront to women everywhere.

Tell me, did you write your profile as a "how to" for men or to try to attract women? I can see why you prey on younger girls. You are looking for women that don't know any better than to allow themselves to be manipulated by a misogynistic asshole looking to set a poor example for his children.

All I can say is, no wonder you are separated, and I hope that your wife gets those divorce papers signed soon.

the masochist's diet plan

For those of you who are looking to lose a few pounds and don't mind a little torture, have I got the diet plan for you! I lost four pounds in 24 hours! All you have to do is eat some spoiled, pooped on, e-coli, salmonella food!!

*berf*

The only thing I can pinpoint that might have caused my unexpected weight loss was a bagel and cream cheese. It tasted fine. Maybe a fly pooped on it. Maybe the lady didn't wash her hands. Maybe I touched a door handle with bad germs. Whatever it was, a few hours later I was shopping for my boss in Target and all of a sudden that awful feeling came over me...

Uh oh...

So I'm in the seasonal area, and I can barely stand up without seeing stars. I have to sit down. Oh dear. I sit and wait, concentrating on breathing, for an employee to come by and ask where the bathroom was. "oh it is just on the complete other side of the store about as far away from here as possible - might as well be on the moon!" Greeaaaat.

I stumble about one aisle at a time, pausing only to keep myself from passing out. I finally make it to the bathroom... and it is being cleaned. Seriously.

Anyway, the bad news, I couldn't leave that Target for about an hour and had to stop twice on the way home. The good news is after about 24 hours I was good as new, and about four pounds lighter.

So next time you need to fit into those skinny jeans or wear a swimsuit tomorrow, just eat some tainted turkey, curdled cream cheese, spoiled salami, or gross gouda!

Who needs Weight Watchers!?