a newfound respect for strippers

For my birthday last month my dear friend bought me a groupon for Goddess Fitness Dance, a place where you can shake your chakras for a workout.  I had been procrastinating going, because to be honest, it isn't really my cup of tea (or so I thought). I don't go to the gym, I don't do dance classes, I hate running; I am a yogi who occasionally does pilates.

With trepidation, I decided to start with something called "Pole-Candy Camp" aka "Pole Conditioning" mostly because it is at a convenient time.  I arrive and sign in with a rather hefty girl working the front desk, and there are a few other ordinary looking ladies of varying sizes waiting in the lobby.  I look around and see a little bit of retail: tutu's, bedazzled tanks, booty shorts, ensconced in drapes of red material that line all the walls.  I can hear a class going on as I sign a waiver the length of my arm, and feel nerves of butterflies skitter through my insides. I was expecting something like this inside the room:

The last class exits and we enter through the red curtains into a large dimly lit room with stripper poles every few feet.  I see others putting down yoga mats, so I do the same and sit and wait for what I can only imagine.  The teacher comes in, and boy is she not what I expected! She is a chubbette if I ever saw one.  She is short, chunky, and wearing what appear to be underwear and a wife beater.  Her arms are sausages and her thighs are heavily dimpled.  This is our pole teacher? Ha! Ok, I got this.  If this little butterball can fling herself around a pole, this is going to be a cake-walk for me.  I am by no means ripped, but I've been very active my whole life and exercise regularly.

you get the idea... 

We start with the "warmups," and by the end of warmups I'm questioning what I'm doing here... I'm already huffing and puffing and sweating profusely. Then we line up in two lines to do pole work.  The teacher, whose voice sounds like a mix between the teacher from Charlie Brown and a hyena, instructs is to do the "peter pan."

flail around pole while bending your legs behind you

Chubs demonstrated, and I thought "easy peasy." Uhmmm, notsomuch.  I look like a bug caught in a bug zapper. Then we added on and did the tinkerbell and captain hook.  Finally, the butterfly: hike yourself up to the top of a pole (like climbing a tree when you were a kid but without bark for handholds and with adult bodyfat) and then twirl around with your hands and feet around the pole, knees out like butterfly wings.

something like this

Our teacher, Chubbs McGee, makes this look easy.  It is not.  First attempt landed me mostly kersplat on the ground.  Take two, no splat! Take three, cranged the top of my foot against the pole... that's going to bruise deeply.  Finally by the end of class, my arms are screaming, my abs are complaining, my legs are even slightly cranky and there are several bruises already forming.

The next morning I am so sore I can barely move.  I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck.  I audibly whimper trying to pull up my pants when I am getting dressed for the day.  I arrive to work and can barely pull open the door to my office.  Ow Ow Ow OWWWWWWW.  Where did these sore muscles come from? I feel certain I didn't even know I had these muscles... and yet here they are, screaming at me.

All I can think is... when can I go again?