Online Dating Pictures

So they say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I'm still going to add a few words of my own.

Ahhhh, dating profile pictures.  Of course there's the standard shots: look where I've traveled, I'm holding a baby - see I'm good with kids, this is my dog, and the trying to look studly (with or without shirt) in my bathroom mirror holding my cell phone camera.  Other less popular though no less awful are the pic with a fancy car, pic in a costume, pic with sister or parents, and the pic in a tuxedo.

Cell-phone-mirror pix are by far the most popular.  I very quickly gathered this assortment:

I can use a cell phone camera!

Then there's those guys who only have pictures of them in sunglasses and ed hardy shirts trying to look tough.  Pretty sure you're hideously unattractive with either beady gerbil eyes or jacked up teeth.  I spared you all the ed hardlys, but found these precious gems:

General Douche-baggery

And finally, those who don't have a single picture where you can even make out their face.  No matter how unattractive you are, the girl's gonna see your face eventually, bro. And good luck getting anyone to even talk to you on the site unless your personality is so effing awesome that you can tell from a few stupid questions.  Chances are, you'd have to be The Most Interesting Man In The World, and those chances are pretty much nil.   

Three dudes.  One picture each.  You can't make this stuff up. 

As for underwear guy, he had answered not a single solitary question, essay, or anything.  I'm guessing he is a gigolo or closeted.  Or both.  

Online Dating Profile Names.

Can I just say a few things about online dating? I mean, honestly. There is some cray-cray shit out there.  And I wish I could say I was making some of this up. But this is just real life people.

Let's discuss profile names, shall we?

"handsomeforever" - you're really not that good looking.  I mean, you're not unattractive, you're just not hot enough for that title.  Let me expound on that.  Even if you were the hottest man on that site, its still a douche-y handle.  Think highly of ourselves, do we?

"swolenbanana" - dude, you're 39 years old.  although you could be lying, maybe you just haven't aged well.  and according to your profile, you "don't have patience for reading."  duh.  no wonder you're single, dude.

"69Tony4U" - so either your prowess at 69 (in your mind) is so amazing you think that would be 4 me, or you're secretly gay and you'll 69 Tony for me so I don't have to.  oh, and you're 41, making a "duck-lips-fish-face" in your profile picture, and list masturbation as one of the six things you can't live without.  good luck gettin' laid, buddy.  no wonder it says no one has contacted you this week.

I feel like my profile is ok, not the greatest, but I mean, C'MON.  Maybe I should change my profile name to "noentryfordouchebags," "oldandfatneednotapply," or something like "myeggsaredying," "bioclockticks," or "has2catsbutnotcrazy." No?

man-candy

Didn't get out of bed until 10AM.  Took a two hour nap in the afternoon.  Guess I was tired out from all that time with mom.  She was here for 8 days. That is a loooong time to spend with one's parent as an adult.

Not to sound ungrateful! I mean, I could not have found a car so quickly without her help.  And frankly, I would probably not have taken even one step towards finding a job yet either.  The leftover home cooked meal in my freezer isn't such a bad deal. As much as I'm glad to have my time and personal space back, I'm having a hard time getting motivated without the whip-cracker.  Time to put on my big-girl panties and make something happen! Oooooh look! A sparkly thing!

My roommate has insisted that now that mom is gone I join the world of online dating.  Well if that isn't just the perfect distraction from trying to find a job.  I'll spend hours making a profile, answering stupid questions, and searching the man-candy shop for a date.  This could be almost as fun as finding a needle in a haystack or stabbing myself in the eye! But hey, its not job hunting or trying on bathing suits in harsh fluorescent lighting so lets give this a go.

pity party

a day off!

So momma and I have been hard at work for 6 days, and even she thinks we deserve a day off.  Thank the sweet baby jesus.

so today we slept in, brunched, got our nails done, filled up the gas tank (thank you momma Mastercard), and went to a baseball game.

Astros vs Dodgers

Now I don't really love baseball, but mom does, and I have a penchant for stadium food.  I eat fairly healthy normally, but get me to a sporting event and I am Fatty McPatty.  Tubbs MacGee.  Gluttonous Glolliford.  Lets just say I ate no less than a Dodger dog, garlic fries, a huge beer, nachos and hot chocolate.  Oink.  This little piggy went to market.  And by market I mean Lardsville.  And by Lardsville I mean we stayed until the top of the 9th.

********************

Mom leaves tomorrow.  Will I be OK? Will I fall into the Pit of Despair?

Best. Movie. Ever.

(sigh...) no more momma-hugs, no more home-cookin', no more Mastercard... no more guilt trips, no more dis-approving looks, no more holocaust movies... Maybe I will be all right.

fancy-time

I'm a pretty laid back gal.  On the regs (that's "regularly" for all you not-so-hip-sters) I'm in jeans, a t-shirt and chucks with the possibility that I may have combed my hair.  OR I'm wearing yoga clothes due to either having gone to class or the intention to go to one eventually and if these stretchy black pants weren't so damn expensive you might think I was homeless.  Lets just say I don't put a ton of effort into how I look.

BUT.  I have an appointment at 1PM with a staffing agency and I need to look like a million bucks.  Or at least like a not-so-naughty secretary.  WTF do I wear.  And how do ladies who wear office-y stuff every day manage to get themselves together in the mornings?

It starts with a shower including washing and conditioning hair and shaving legs.  I add in a little scrub for extra credit.  Then, out of the shower you must moisturize your whole body, use three different creams on your face, a leave in conditioner for your split ends, and a roller-ball thingy for under your eyes to make you look more *awake*.

Then, to find an outfit.  Here I am, standing in front of the abyss that is my closet, trying to see what goes together without looking too slutty or too casual or too matchy-matchy.  Somehow I pull something together that is a facsimile of a a skirt-suit.

Now my hair.  ugh.  I hate blow-drying my hair.  Any ladies with flat lifeless hair will understand the drama around trying to make it not so flat and lifeless.  First, a little mousse on the roots for lift.  Then, flip over to blow hot air at the roots.  Then flip back over and add the attachment to the dryer and fish the round brush out of the drawer.  Clip hair up in sections.  Blow out little strands of hair, being careful to pull the roots up and away, and not to get the brush caught in your hair.  Finally, about 30 minutes later, your hair looks slightly better than when you air-dry.

At this point my arm muscles are screaming from holding dryer, round brush and hair at odd angles.  My thumb is burnt from getting in the way of the hot dryer air too many times.  And my face is red and sweaty from the exertion.  Just in time to apply makeup.

I slather on some foundation, blush, eyeliner and mascara.  Good enough.

No less than one hour and 15 minutes later, I'm ready.  I go out to show mom.  "Oh don't you look nice... but, aren't you going to put on some lipstick?" Ahhh mom.  Always knows juuuuust what to say.  I'm running late so I keep my snarky reply to myself and put on some gloss before heading out the door.

As I clomp in my heels down the hallway to the elevator, I think about performing this ritual on the daily and almost go back inside skipping the damn appointment.  But I spent so long, someone should appreciate this hard work.  ...and my mommy wouldn't let me.

I HAVE A CAR!!!!!!!

How did this miracle occur, you say? Which car did you get, you ask? Was it the boring but dependable Corolla? Nope! Heartbreaker Jetta? No... Well it wasn't the Versa obvs, so it musta been the Mazda 3, yes????

Well, trusty mommy and her ipad spent her hour at FiveBucks yesterday busily researching cars and found pretty much the same Mazda 3 out in Riverside for $500 less! Now I'm a gal who likes a good bargain but its a looong drive to Riverside and what if I don't like it for some reason?

So moms and I packed a snack and water and slogged our way out to Riverside to this dealer who actually had two different Mazdas for us to look at.  Whoopeee! Cutting to the chase, short story long, getting down to the nitty gritty, I drove both, and ended up saving myself $500 on the best car we looked at! Huzzah!

Poor sweet mommy, the little old lady librarian from Houston, had to follow me back from Riverside to Studio City in the rental.  Not to mention I'm scared shitless that I'm going to wreck my brand new (used) car.  Oh and did I mention it is 6:30pm?

We made it home and were both so worn out we simply had to order chinese and drink a bottle of wine.  And I got a fortune cookie! Mmmmm.... cookie.  And my fortune was something about being admired from afar.  Kinda creepy, but maybe this is my next boyfriend?

job interview #1!

Whew! First one is always scariest, right? RIGHT???? (sigh...)

I think mom was more nervous than me.  She made us leave over an hour before my appointment when it only takes 20 minutes to get there.  Whatever.  Gave me time to get her set up at a FiveBucks with her ipad and a latte down the street.

So this interview is for a nameless company that sells high-end yoga apparel and spews forth barf-worthy ideals from the mouths of their kambucha-sipping ex-sorority-girl employees.  Not that I'm bitter or anything.  Jeez.  Anyway, the pay is decent (for retail) and I happen to love their clothes.

I have to say, for retail, their interview process is extensive! There's a loooong online form with 11 essay questions. If they like what you wrote, then you get called in for a group interview.  Then, if they like you at the group interview, then you have a one-on-one interview and possibly a second one-on-one interview and then you might get hired.  All for $12-15/hour.  Mmmkay.

So, apparently my essays were approved, because here I was, sitting in the store waiting for my interview.  I'm there with one other gal Jessica who was wearing jean shorts that were so short I saw not only the cottage cheese dappling her thigh but almost some cheek.  Did she not realize this was a job interview?

Well it turns out it was just the two of us and the interviewer.  I thought I gave some pretty good responses to the questions.  Some examples: How have you elevated someone from mediocrity to greatness? Tell me about what your favorite shopping experience would look like.  What is a goal you have recently achieved?
And then, she opened the interview up for any questions we may have. I asked her how she got involved with this company.  And as it turns out, she has only been working there since February.  February!! And she's interviewing me for a position.  She barely works there herself! How the hell is she going to hire me when clearly she doesn't even know what she is doing??? (sigh...) I need a cookie.

read this if you like cars

Test drove four cars yesterday.  To compare them to men - Versa: lose my number. Corolla: great to bring home to mom but a lousy lay.  Jetta: sexy bad-boy, but ultimately a heartbreaker.  Mazda 3: suspiciously perfect.  needs a second date to tell for sure.

Read on for more detailed reviews.

Nissan Versa

Nissan Versa.  Should be called the Nissan Slowza.  The Versa is a cute little hatchback and the interior is roomy.  But the poor misguided gas pedal. You push it, it makes lots of vroomy noises, but nothing happens.  I tested it on the freeway and immediately got off the first exit.  This is LA, people.  I'm gonna get run over if it doesn't get up the on-ramp.  This car falls in the category: I'd rather take the bus.

Toyota Corolla

Next up, the trusty gas-efficient Corolla.  Let me tell you, if you decide to buy this car you must at least get an exciting color (like red, electric-blue) because that will be the ONLY thing exciting about your ride.  I mean, its... fine.  The handling is a little squirrely.  But it gets good gas mileage!  And you might fall asleep at the wheel because it is so boring and dependable.  Category: If I have to.

VW Jetta

Jett-ahhhhh.  Zippety doo dah! 2.5L engine.  Biggest engine of the ones I'm testing. Nice bling-y insides.  Ooooh me likey! Buzz-kill. Talked to car-expert-brother and he says Jetta's are expensive to fix and break down a lot.  Plus the nice vroomy engine guzzles the most gas. Some quick calculations (with current gas prices) projected an extra $500 a year in gas over some of these other models.  So its a cheaper car up front with more on the back end.  Some might call that junk-in-the-trunk or A$$.  ha.  Category: My lead foot is drooling. My wallet is clenched like a prisoner on his first day in jail.

Mazda 3

Zoom Zoom.  Now we're talkin.  Gas mileage: eco/wallet-friendly.  Engine: decent 2.0L.  Bells and whistles: ringing and whooting. Do I just get it? I really like it.  We have a few more appointments lined up.  Do we wait to buy and see the other cars? What if this one is gone and we don't like the others; then we're back at square one! Ahhhhh! This is so stressful!!!! I need a cookie!

Dollah billz y'all

So it turns out the piece of shit car I bought just about a year ago that is now crashed and wrecked, was actually a gold mine! Ok, well not GOLD exactly, but according to the insurance appraiser, currently worth about $2700 more than what I paid for it. Uhm, what? Are you blind Mr. (or Ms. not to be sexist) Appraiser? That car was a piece of shit! Granted, a Honda piece of shit, but a total stinking pile of poo! 

Whatever appraiser-(wo)man.  I'm stealing your rose-colored glasses from now on.  Going to test-drive a Mazda 3, Nissan Versa, VW Jetta, and Toyota Corolla.  Maybe one of them will drive like a Bentley with your fancy appraiser glasses! Either way, I'm wearing a shit-eating grin.  Pun intended.  

cracking the whip

Well if there's one thing my mother doesn't do, is waste time.  She's been here two days and already we have set up three appointments to look at cars and I've got one job interview on Wednesday.  I'm exhausted.

Oh and we've had brunch with my college roommate and her husband, gone grocery shopping, and watched a documentary on the holocaust.  For some reason, my mom is obsessed with those Nazis.  We're not even German or Jewish! Or Polish or French for that matter.  As if I'm not depressed enough, lets watch a movie about all these people being exterminated.  I guess there's my silver lining.  I don't have a car or a job or a boyfriend but at least I'm not all-aboard a death train.

On that note...

Mommy!

Believe it or not, even though I found out my job was ending, I still completed my last week of work.  I am such a good person. I mean, really, if you found out they wouldn't be needing you anymore, would you keep showing up? Yeah, me either.  But I did! I don't know what came over me.  My sense of martyrdom? I must be trying to rack up some brownie points or karma or most realistically a few more dollars on my paycheck.  $ding$

Anyway, I pick mom up from the airport and head straight to my fave (and moderately pricey) mexican joint Casa Vega for cheese enchiladas and a big 'ole margarita courtesy of her Mastercard. Sufficiently full of grease and guilt (thanks mom!), its off to a nice rest before the onslaught of car dealers, craigslist, and who knows what else.  Hope I can sleep...

A Blank Slate

So I lost my job and wrecked my car within 5 days of each other.  And, well, I broke up with my boyfriend four months ago.  So rather than crawl under a rock and die, I'm going to pull myself out of the wreckage and set myself on a journey to have all three! *quakes in fear*

My mom is coming out to rescue me - er, uh - help me find a car and cook me dinner.  She lives in Houston, but swears that its not a big deal for her to come out.  Who am I to deny a home cooked meal?

For now, I'm in a rental.  Thank goodness for insurance rental coverage.

So pay attention now, if you want to see the pitfalls and hoooo-rayyyys of one woman's journey.