Sh*t people call themselves

when I made the commitment to sign up for online dating and create a profile, I thought long and hard about my profile name.  I mean, this is how the dudes will identify me while surfing through the man-candy-store.  (Although I guess they might call it the lady-candy-store?) This is almost as important as naming your firstborn child. I mean, this is how people will know me for the rest of dating-dom.  So when I come across some of these dudes profile names, my brow furrows, my head tilts and my lips curl into a "what the...???"

Sexxymechanic* - excuse me, but is there anything sexy about being a mechanic??? your nails are perpetually blackened, your hands are greasy and calloused, and you hang out with other equally filthy men in an even filthier shop all day. NO. 

Zoolander – looks absolutely nothing like either Ben Stiller or a model of any kind. Unless it was a model on Opposite Day.  

Toolegit007 - which is it? are you more MC Hammer or James Bond? Because you certainly cannot be both.  And really, I'll bet you're neither.  

chocoliciousNY – a totally completely white caucasian dude.  

flapjacksonhead - maybe he just really likes pancakes? Perplexing, but not in the way that makes me want to get to know him better. 

talknerdytome2 - this does not sound sexy, appealing, or even clever

Iluvhummus - and I love York Peppermint Patties but you don't see me making my username yorkpeppermint or tastethesensation or silverwrapperdarkchocolatemintynougatisawesome. 

Depp99 – looks absolutely NOTHING like Johnny depp.  Not even remotely.  I mean, he is a dark haired white boy but thassaboutit.  Like JDepp’s hediously ugly inbred cousin maybe. 

Sexylawyerforyou – this guy wouldn't know sexy if it hit him over the head with a stick.  you could look up anti-sexy in the dictionary and you'd see this guy.  yikes.  

SilkySergio0 - I just threw up in my mouth.  

BitZhzBeCraYo – uhm, what? How old are you? and if I read this right, it translates to "Bitches Be Crazy, Yo" and really, there isn't a lady alive that actually likes to be called a bitch, much less by a potential suitor.  You know who's Cray, yo? You, if you think someone would actually date you.  Burn. *snap-with-sassy-hair-toss*

*some names changed to protect the idiotic (while maintaining the integrity of their "creative prowess" in their choice of a name.)