on a serious note

got a phone call at work the other day from a woman wanting the help-button.  turns out she is 38, uses a walker and Depends.  She used to be (in her words) "normal."

This woman, let's call her Alice, was working at a drug rehab recovery house where naturally there is a no-drug-dealing policy.  She saw another co-worker, let's call her DP (demented psychopath), doing a meth deal.  Well, if the po-po (fuzz, pigs, 5-0, the boys in blue, Johnny Law) found out that there was a drug deal going on, they ALL go down, but not if it is reported by someone.  Naturally, she reported DP to her BossLady.  Well, little did she know, BL and DP were in cahoots, so BL told DP that sweet responsible Alice had been the one to tell on her.  Demented Psychopath that she was, she decided to get revenge.

DP put very small amounts of DRANO in Alice's coffee every day. Apparently it is tasteless and odorless in coffee, and poor Alice had no idea until one day she up and keeled over. She was rushed to the emergency room but by then it was too late, her nervous system was forever changed.

Alice lives by herself, but has limited mobility (she is in a walker), is incontinent, and has no short-term memory.  By her words, she "won't remember this conversation five minutes after we hang up." She also falls all the time.  She is in worse shape than the 90 year old I just sold the button to last week, who still drives, is hilarious, sharp and hip.

The worst part is, her Aunt Sissy controls her finances, and when I called dear old Auntie to get her the help-button, the family cannot seem to come up with $30/mo to help poor Alice.  They are waiting for the government to give them something so they can get it for free.  I know times are tough, and I am not asking to take food off of anyone's table, but your poor niece is completely fucked out of a life.  (sigh)

Good news: (well, good-ish) the DP (deplorable person, demented psychopath, devil's partner) is rotting in jail.

This doesn't seem like quite the right blog to share this story, but I had such a moment today of feeling grateful for all that I have: my health, my family that loves me and would do anything for me, and the ability to follow my dreams and passions and live a life that I love; I wanted to share that possibility of hope and happiness with you, dear reader.  And if you feel so inclined, send a prayer, shout-out to the universe, some good mojo-juju, or peace love happiness vibrations to this poor woman whose life will be forever altered.

goin to the chapel and we're gonna get marrrrried

My bestie got married yesterday! I went down to San Diego for the wedding.  I was excited to be invited since the whole entire guest list was 12 people.  Talk about teensy! Anyway, it was a beautiful ceremony on a cliff overlooking the beach and ocean.  She has truly found her perfect man! I am so freakin happy for her!

The Wedding Site

After the wedding we all went out to dinner and had gallons of wine and heaps of food.  Well, as it turns out, the groom's bff and I were the only single folk at the wedding.  The entire group was "no-pressure"-ing us to hit it off.  Yeah.  Totally no pressure there.  Yikes.

Well, Herb* is a sweet, funny, engaging and gentlemanly.  He pulled out my chair at dinner. Yes, men, pay attention here because pulling out a lady's chair is super sexy.  HOWEVER. I am not particularly attracted to him physically.  He's not unattractive, I'm just not super attracted to him.

The night goes on, and so does the partying and drinking.  Herb seems quite enamored by me, but I'm not sure if it is genuine or just the wine or just a guy looking to hook up at a wedding with the only other single person.

So as it turns out, Herb's car is parked at the bride and groom's house (where I am cat-sitting for the night while they cozy up in a hotel honeymoon suite) so we both end up there at the end of the night.  Well Herb apparently needed to "sober up" before driving so he came inside.  I could just tell he was going to make a move. And he did.  Well now this is awkward.  I'm not sure I even want to do this, but if I don't, it will be super-duper-awkward for the rest of the weekend as we all hang out for wedding festivities.  Er, uh,... oh haha I love this movie! OMG did you see that commercial? Wow who are they advertising to at this time of night? So funny I just love watching late night TV! Spray on hair? No way! Call this number for fun flirty girls in your area? Hilarious! *SMOOCH* hmmm that wasn't so bad... *SMOOCHSMOOCH* well, if I have to...

Rest of the weekend? Smooth sailing my friends. No further makeouts required and he even invited me to join him in Vegas Sunday night. (Yes, I'm sitting in SoCal as I type, and no, I didn't go to Vegas. Although the prospect of a free trip did tempt me) Will I see him again? Well, he lives in Utah and will be traveling for the next three weeks out of the country.  ...so who knows? ;)

*name changed to something totally identifiable to anyone that knows him.  but not his real name. 

gene pool: recessive, empty, ... inbred?

today's "OMG of the day"

username: klimax69 (because one sexual innuendo isn't enough)
occupation: youth football coach (influencing the minds of LA's kids)
looking for: everybody (men, women, whomever!)
grammar: horrendous and unintelligible

click to enlarge photo

call me judgemental, but wtf.  I mean, sure there's somebody for everybody, but his dating pool must be a puddle.  or at least as small as his gene pool. yikes.

In other news, I've started emailing with a new guy that is tall, cute and ... a straight hairdresser.  Oxymoron? Perhaps.  Time will tell... As of now we are just emailing but hopefully there is a date in our future.  Oh the stress! I better have a good hair day that day!

feelin frisky

So I work selling the help-button made famous by a really horrendous 80's commercial where a decrepit old lady fell and couldn't get up.  I never imagined I would have such fun talking to octogenarians!

Just the other day, I'm returning the call of a gentleman who had inquired about the help-button.  Well, Mr. Jacob Truelove* (yes that's really his last name!) from Louisiana was quite the, er, uh... talker! He was calling since he's 81 and lives alone at "the lake."  Our conversation went something like this:

Me: 

Hi Jacob this is Joanna from LifeClick*

JT: 

(in a thick Louisiana drawl) Well hi there Jo-Annaw

Me: 

I was calling you back about the help-button. What made you decide to call?

JT: 

Well, I lee-uv out here on the layke, and its juss me out heeyer, so I thought I would git some information for if ah ever need it.

Me: 

Well, (lying through my teeth) you don't sound old enough to need it; how young are you?

JT: 

(proudly) I'm 81 years yung.

Me: 

Oh wow! You sound so much younger! (not)

JT: 

(hack, cough) Thank yew! I've herd that before. So tell me about this Lahf-Click thang.

Me: 

Well, one push of the button and you've got help, whether you just want us to call a neighbor to come help you--

JT: 

Oh there ain't no one around me. I own this layke frunt propertee and no one around for miles. Jess the way I like it!

Me: 

Oh, ok well we can also call the paramedics for you if need be, and you can also push the button and we can dispatch police.

JT: 

Oh I won't never need no po-leece. I've got a gun, and I ain't afraid to use it. You sound real nahce, where you cawlling frum?

Me: 

I'm in Los Angeles.

JT: 

Oh I been out there bah-fore. Ahm out here in Loosiana. Yew ever been?

Me: 

Not since I was two, so I don't remember much.

JT: 

Well, yew should come out and visit me on the layke. Yew know, I'm still real WILD.

Me: 

Oh I bet you are. 

JT: 

Yew know it.

Me: 

Do you still drive, James? We have a 911 phone for when you're away from home. 

JT: 

Oh yeah! I tole you I'm still real Wild. I can still do lots of thangs. You should come out an visit me here at the layke. I got four alleegators and I feed'em cookies. 

Me: 

Cookies? For alligators?

JT: 

Oh yeah, I juss say, "c'mon boys" and they just come on over and I give'em cookies. 

Me: 

You're not afraid of them biting you?

JT: 

Naw, them boys is mah friends. 

Me: 

Oh, I see...

JT: 

Now this Lahf-Click thang, Ah don't know that Ah want it now, but yew could cawl me anytahm, even when yer not at work, ya know. 

Me: 

Uhm.

JT: 

I bet yer WILD too arn'cha? 

Me: 

You know it.

JT: 

Yeah, you should come visit me here at the layke. 

Me: 

If you bought a Life-Click from me maybe I will. (don't judge, mama needs a paycheck)

JT: 

Haha! Well, you come on out heeyer and we'll see about that. 

Me: 

(feeble laughter)

JT: 

Well, Ah'll let yew git back to work, but really, yew could cawl me anytime, when yer not at work even, oh-kay? Ah like tawlkin to yew. 

Me: 

Trust me, the pleasure has been all mine. 

JT: 

Ah'll bet it has. 

(Coincidentally, when you google images for "wild old man" a picture of Lindsay Lohan comes up.)  

I'm REAL Wild, ya know... 

*names kinda changed

Run Horsey Run

so it seems I went from underworked to overworked, from not making enough money to still not making enough money, and from no job prospects to a multitude of job prospects.

I currently have two jobs. I have a weekend job (that sucks) and a weekday job (supposedly is going to get better but it doesn't feel likely).  My sweet friend Molly is recommending me to a friend of hers looking to hire a couple of people; a former co-worker says she would love to get me hired at the store she is managing (they aren't hiring now but hopefully will have a spot in the near future); and my dad has some work he wants me to do!

I have two men trying to get into mi pantalones at the moment as well, although neither one is looking for more than some horizontal mambo-ing so the poor cretins will be sorely disappointed.

I seem to have attracted a disfigured version of what I want, but not what I want! I have jobs, but not the perfect one; I have boys, but not men! How is it that I have made so much progress but still feel like I've just lurched through the starting gate?

run, horsey, run!

Thank the sweet baby jesus that I at least have a wonderful zoomy zippy little mazda that I am truly growing to love.  Yes, I said it -- the "L" word! Who knew I could love a little econo-box so much? Amazing gas-mileage, moderately zippy little engine, comfy interior, razzle-dazzle red color... what's not to love? Well, it isn't a BMW 135i sport package with paddle shifters and red leather interior...

*drool*

buuuuuut... it is also a good $20K cheaper.  ka-chiiing! I guess for now I will count my blessings that at least one area of my life is going pretty much how I'd like, and that I have a little love in my heart.  Even if her name is Linda B Johnson, she has a convertible stick shift, and has been gently used.

Sh*t people call themselves

when I made the commitment to sign up for online dating and create a profile, I thought long and hard about my profile name.  I mean, this is how the dudes will identify me while surfing through the man-candy-store.  (Although I guess they might call it the lady-candy-store?) This is almost as important as naming your firstborn child. I mean, this is how people will know me for the rest of dating-dom.  So when I come across some of these dudes profile names, my brow furrows, my head tilts and my lips curl into a "what the...???"

Sexxymechanic* - excuse me, but is there anything sexy about being a mechanic??? your nails are perpetually blackened, your hands are greasy and calloused, and you hang out with other equally filthy men in an even filthier shop all day. NO. 

Zoolander – looks absolutely nothing like either Ben Stiller or a model of any kind. Unless it was a model on Opposite Day.  

Toolegit007 - which is it? are you more MC Hammer or James Bond? Because you certainly cannot be both.  And really, I'll bet you're neither.  

chocoliciousNY – a totally completely white caucasian dude.  

flapjacksonhead - maybe he just really likes pancakes? Perplexing, but not in the way that makes me want to get to know him better. 

talknerdytome2 - this does not sound sexy, appealing, or even clever

Iluvhummus - and I love York Peppermint Patties but you don't see me making my username yorkpeppermint or tastethesensation or silverwrapperdarkchocolatemintynougatisawesome. 

Depp99 – looks absolutely NOTHING like Johnny depp.  Not even remotely.  I mean, he is a dark haired white boy but thassaboutit.  Like JDepp’s hediously ugly inbred cousin maybe. 

Sexylawyerforyou – this guy wouldn't know sexy if it hit him over the head with a stick.  you could look up anti-sexy in the dictionary and you'd see this guy.  yikes.  

SilkySergio0 - I just threw up in my mouth.  

BitZhzBeCraYo – uhm, what? How old are you? and if I read this right, it translates to "Bitches Be Crazy, Yo" and really, there isn't a lady alive that actually likes to be called a bitch, much less by a potential suitor.  You know who's Cray, yo? You, if you think someone would actually date you.  Burn. *snap-with-sassy-hair-toss*

*some names changed to protect the idiotic (while maintaining the integrity of their "creative prowess" in their choice of a name.)

MY BIRRRTHDAYYYYYYYYY

Google'd "my birthday." Made up my own captions.

Truer words were never spoken. 

hey Red Nissan - 20 points if you get the kid with the shopping cart! 

some creepy dolls. seriously, look at the one top right.  stalker-missing-kidney-like-urban-legend 

Creepier than those dolls up there.  *shudder*

uhm, I ... er, uh... it's a uhm *gulp* how do you... right. so the tassle just - - OK. 

Workaholic

so it seems I went from being "underemployed" to being a "workaholic."  Between my weekend job and my weekday job I seem to be working seven days a week.  This is not OK.  When I started this journey I wanted a job so I could pay bills, not two jobs and no life.

Luckily, my daddy-o is coming to town and let me tell you, I am a daddy's girl. Pretty much a bat of an eyelash, twirl of the hair, tear in the eye, or other such maneuver and out comes Mr-daddy-fix-it.  Not to sound ungrateful! I am eternally grateful for my amazing dad.  And his wallet.  And his generosity! And supportiveness!  Wallet.  And his belief in me! *winkandsmile*

More importantly, what this means is I am taking the weekend off!!!! And it will be a 3-day weekend!!! Hallelujah! AND I get to participate in the Yoga for Hope Event with my bestie Claire!
(*hint*hint* donating money to a really good cause is... really good)

My sweet wonderful daddy-o, upon finding out I was writing this blog sent me a ream of xeroxed copies of some of my original work from when I was 11 years old.  Clearly I was gifted from a very young age:

First, a Triplet:

Good Day 

"Good Morning!" I say
"Nice Day isn't it?"
"Yes." Betsy answered. 

Poetic genius!

Limmerick:

There once was a boy from Rome
He had never used a comb.
His hair was a sight;
It never looked right.
A boy like that should stay home. 

It is true I like a well-groomed man...

Haiku:

A blade of dry grass.
Not living, never again.
Just standing, dry, dead.  

Jeez, depressing much? I swear I was a happy kid.

Bio poem:

Joanna
smart, loves to dance
sibling of Evan
crazy about stikers [sic], dancing and running
who feels nervous in church, happy-go-lucky at home, carefree, dancing
who fears tarantulas, scorpians [sic], spiders
who would like to see the Grand Canyon, Bill Cosby and the Effel [sic] Tower
Resident of Georgetown, Houston
Kelly

who is this stranger who likes running? although apparently she is smart, loves dancing and sweats like a whore in church, so it must be me.  And you know what? I've seen the Grand Canyon and the Eiffel Tower! Dreams do come true! Anyone know Mr. Huxtable and want to introduce us? Pretty please???

OMG would you look at that sweater!?!?

Stella!!!

laughed so hard I fell down... and I couldn't get up

And for those Brando/Streetcar fans, I give you "Stella!" (from back when Brando was hot)

where's my Mr. Right?

so I've been on this stupid dating site for a couple of months now and what I have determined is that I've looked through all the guys that fit into my "acceptable" parameters and ruled them all out for one reason or another.  I mean, out of alllllll the dudes on the site, I'm merely looking for a hot guy who's not stupid and who is funny, is at least 5'10", moderately successful, not a douche-bag, doesn't have mommy issues, and thinks I'm the bee's knees.  Apparently, that is too much to ask for at this present moment.

Either I get rejected before there is even a date (ie: I've rated some guys highly and have gotten no reply) or the one I found that I liked "wasn't ready for a relationship." le sigh.

Oh! and now to add insult to injury I get emailed by a dude that I briefly dated over two years ago when I was on another dating site. This is a fun story.

Get this: my roommate (let's call her Julie*) and I were both online dating on the same site.  We liked to nickname our dates with names like "the tall one" or "the brit" or "moneybags." Well, I get home from a date one night gushing over this guy.  As I start talking about him, lo and behold it comes to light that it is the same guy that Julie had gone out with a few weeks before! And my first date was basically her exact same first date! Julie had gone out with him two or three times and even kissed him, but ultimately had come home telling me that she thought he was better suited to me and wasn't going to see him again.  When "the tall one" found out that Julie was my roommate, he told me he really had had a better connection with her and so didn't feel like he could continue seeing me since Julie and I lived together and that would just be weird BUT if I ever wanted to grab a beer sometime as friends that would be cool.  Well, he seemed like a nice enough guy so a while later we end up grabbing a few beers.  Aaaaand we may or may not have hooked up.  mmmkay.

oops!

Cut to: two years later he emails me on this current site and wants to "catch up." mmhmmmm.  riiiiiight.  and I've got some ocean-front property in Arizona I'd like to sell ya.

For Sale: good price, boat not included. 

Ultimately, I think I need to wait for a new batch of man-candies to join the damn site so I have a new pool to fish in.  Or, I just decide to date one of these guys:

*not even friends with this girl anymore so not sure why I felt compelled to change her name.  whatevs.