date three, set your crazy free

At the end of our second date, I still had teensy reservations about Dan. Mostly that he seemed to be feeling so very much more feelings so very much more quickly than me. I was developing an affinity for Dan, but we had spent a grand total of about 6 hours together thusfar and I was still warming up.

For our third date, when it came time to figure out what we were going to do, Dan wanted me to come over to his place for dinner and (half of) a movie. No thank you Dan I know the code and I am not ready for the intimacy that snuggling on the couch, smooching and the inevitable naked grope sesh that is ordering dinner and watching netflix.

I would much rather go to a public place and DO something. This is only our third date, after all. I still need to be woo'd and I don't want a relationship where all we ever do is sit on the couch and watch shows. If you set the precedent early, it is onerously hard to break the habit.

I suggest going to see Marty & Elayne at the Dresden (made famous by the movie Swingers) or an improv show at iO West or the Groundlings. Dan says he doesn't want to do those things but how about dancing? Yes! Sure! That sounds fun and not code for sex. He requests I meet him at his place for a drink first (for fuck's sake Dan) and then we can walk, ride share or he can drive to one of several dancing spots he knows. I don't know anywhere to go dancing that isn't horribly douchey, way too loud inside to talk, filled with coked out models and requires the purchase of a $700 bottle of shitty alcohol to have a place to sit down so I acquiesce to coming downtown.

Why yes, this bottle has been secretly refilled with Popov

I arrive at his place (the one above the restaurant where he had me meet him on our first date) and am re-annoyed at the self-serving/laziness of our first date meeting spot and simultaneously am glad for it since it seems to be one of the few places downtown that has street parking available.

Dan is woefully underprepared with drink mixers, but manages to fix me something palatable. How is he so ill-equipped when this is the date he suggested.... but I digress.  I watch him make it because he is technically still a stranger and this is dating in LA. I don't need to be roofied or killed. We chill at his place for about an hour, which is sparsely but nicely appointed and has an air of bachelor-ness without smelling like gym socks and loneliness. We put on shoes (he was twitchy about me taking more than half a step in his apartment wearing shoes) and headed out.

We grabbed a ride share to the first spot. It was completely dead inside. (insert joke here about being dead inside) Instead of hanging out with the 8 or 12 people in this bar, we walk to the next spot he has in mind. The next place has an $8 cover and is playing deeply genre-specific music. I like most types of music, but I think Dan and I both were thinking of something more like a DJ with varied music styles. We hike over to where his car was parked and he drove us to the third spot, which was a perfect mix of great DJ, not too crowded, and spots to sit and chat in between cutting rugs.

luckily I was wearing my jogging heels

There was a taco truck outside, and he said he was hungry. We grabbed tacos and ate standing on the street, talking about the real sh*t life is about - kids, the future, love languages, who we are, what we are looking for in a partner, etc. We seem to be on the same page about nearly everything... maybe this could really work between us...

Inside the DJ is playing a fun eclectic set, there is a vintage photo booth that uses real film, and the vibe is great. We order a drink and decide to take some pix. If Dan is going to be someone I date for a while or forever, how great would it be to have photo evidence of our third date, the date where it really solidified? We are adorbs in our pix.

We hit the dance floor and the DJ is slaying with a fun mix of music styles, genres and beats from several different eras. Dan can really boogie down and isn't afraid to be free on the dance floor. He also isn't using this as the opportunity to grope and squeeze, which is refreshing.

After a bit of time on the dance floor, we escape to the bar to rest for a minute. He asks if I want another drink. I've had one at his place, and one at the bar, so I decline. I have a huge day the next day, plus I want to keep my wits about me. We refresh with water and hit the dance floor again.

We are having fun! There is a woman there who I would estimate to be about 60, getting funky and wearing an ensemble of various types of "glow" sticks. I took a great video of her. Then she sees me... and one of the greatest moments of my life... she and I do the robot together. For a solid 2-3 minutes. Dan captures our robots in all their glory on his phone. This date is turning into one of the greatest nights!

Dancing with glow-lady was amazing, but I needed another rest. We found respite in a booth, and canoodled in. This when red flag number (2? 3? a zillion?) whatever popped up.

I want to take care of you.

He says, staring into my eyes. I nervously look away, "um, ok... thanks?"

What's wrong? Be honest with me. 

"Well, I don't know what you mean by that. Do you want to be my sugar daddy? Do you want to give me orgasms? What does 'take care of' mean to you?"

I want us to take care of each other, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Does this mean orgasms? Well, yes, but that is only a part of it. A relationship should encompass all these things. 

Hmm... Ok, I mean, that is odd phrasing, but that is what I am looking for when you come right down to it. I want a partner, and that does comprise all those areas. "Oh. Ok, well, then, I want that too."

Actually, there is more to it than this, but it is sweet sentiment.

We hit the dance floor one more time. At this point I'm sweaty and my jogging heels are starting to reach their limits of comfort, so I lead us back to the bar for more hydration. Dan has become more and more physically and verbally intimate with me throughout the evening (read: handsy with adulation), and by this point he is completely devoted to me. He says something over the top complimentary, to which I reply, "I bet you say that to all the girls." Dan says he doesn't. "Uh, huh, sure you do. You say that to all the girls!" I say, as I bat my eyelashes and twirl my hair around my finger. (I never claimed to be good at flirting) Dan says he needs air and abruptly gets up and goes outside.

I sit at the bar and sip my ice water, wondering what is happening. Did Dan overheat? I'm pretty close to that myself after all this dancing. Does he smoke and I didn't realize? Is he going to get high? Does he suffer from sensory overload? Was it something I said? Did he need to take a phone call? Panic attack?

After several minutes, Dan comes back inside. He is visibly upset. Like, not in tears, but maybe he was outside.

C'mon, lets dance.

Whoah there buddy. What's going on? Are you ok?  Something is going on with you.

It's just that I don't say that to all the girls. I told you before, I mean what I say and I say what I mean. You're not like any other girl. I really mean the things I say to you. 

WHAT THE FUCK, DAN 

You're practically in tears because I teased you? Because I attempted flirting? (poorly, yes I know; we covered that already) I walk him back from the ledge, reminding him that teasing is one of my love languages, and I don't really think he actually says that to every girl, and I didn't mean to make him upset.

DING DING MOTHERF*CKING DING

Despite the blazing red flag, I wasn't done with Dan yet.... partially because he said, yes, he knows, he just got a bit upset because he really likes me and doesn't want me to think he is dating anyone else or is interested in anyone else. He actually really loves my sassy side. Conversation moves on, and returns to seemingly normal status.  Maybe he's just a sensitive artist type?

Then Dan says he wants to ask me to spend the night tonight, but knows I will say no. I agree, stating my giant day the next day and really needing to get sleep. Dan says, well then I better get you back to your car. It is late-ish, and think of how sweet and thoughtful he is now being. He really is very kind and considerate.

We hop in his car and the ride back is filled with laughter, teasing, and overall some of the best conversation we've had all night. No weird overtures of "I want us to take care of each other," just regular banter.

Dan pulls up in front of my car, and we smooch a bit before I start to gather my purse to leave.

Can I ask why you won't come up to my apartment? I want us to take care of each other. 

There is is again. I weigh the options of copping out with the "big day tomorrow" or being vulnerable and honest. I'm trying to be better about communication, so ... "Well Dan, I view spending the night with someone as a very intimate thing, and I'm just not quite there yet."

It was as though a switch got flipped. He pulled about as far away as a person can in a car, crossed his arms over his chest and wouldn't make eye contact.

Oh, I see. Well, we can just be friends then. 

I'm sorry, what? No, that's not what I-

No, no, that's cool. We can just be friends.

How did you make that leap? I just want to get to know you more; I wasn't saying only be friends, its just that I'm not ready to spend the night.

Oh, yeah? When do you think you will be ready? In six months? A YEAR?  

...I don't put a timeframe on these things, I don't count dates or days or months, it is just a feeling of intimacy and when I am ready to share that with someone.

Oh ok, ok. I see how it is. We'll just be "friends" and you can let me know when you are "ready." I THOUGHT we were going to take care of each other. I thought we liked each other. I THOUGHT we understood each other. 

Listen bro, we've only had 3 dates, spent a total of maybe 12 hours together. I mean, if you just want to go upstairs and bang, then let's go. We can just go fuck if that's all you're looking for. But I actually like you, and wanted to take the time to get to know you.

MY PARENTS SLEPT TOGETHER AFTER THEY HAD ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR THREE HOURS. YOU JUST INSULTED MY FAMILY!!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK, DAN!!!! (yes, I actually said this out loud this time!) I am not your mother and this is not your parents situation!

No, no, no, you're right. You're right! I'm sorry!! I'm sorry... It's just that you are being so unreasonable! 

...My first instinct is to defend myself. Me?? Unreasonable??? I am not the unreasonable one in this situation. Far from it.  But I have the car door open and one leg is already out of the car at this point. Dan's freak flag is flying so boldly I want to get as far away from it as possible. So I just say, "you know what, you're right. I am."

So that's how its going to be then. That's it.  

Yes, yes it is.

And I get all the way out of Dan's car and into mine. He roars off. I assume that is the last I will ever see or hear from Dan again.

As my middle school teacher used to say, when you "assume" you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."

**sidebar: sadly, the photos from the booth were left at the bar. They were real film, and were wet when they came out of the machine so we set them aside to dry. And there they stayed.***