wishful thinking

When I applied for this job they indicated that I would be working five hour shifts comprised of twenty-five minute presentations followed by twenty minute breaks.  So there was no lunch break scheduled in.  No big deal because it would only be five hours total and several large breaks in between, right? uhm, NO.  They also said I would average between $600-800/week.  BHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! hilarious. except, not.

:/

First, if you're the morning shift you're expected to get there about 45 minutes to an hour early to set everything up for the day or conversely if you're an evening shift stay about 45 minutes or an hour after to close everything down for the night. Plus about 30 minutes on the opposite end of your shift for the shift-change duties.  Second, these "20 minute breaks" are actually time in between presentations where you spend at least 15 of those minutes cleaning up from your last show/setting up for your next show.  You may or may not have five minutes to use the restroom, eat, or send a text message. Your total day is closer to 7 1/2 hours with no break.

Let me paint a picture of what this looks like.  You arrive at your national chain grocery store and find where there is a large booth.  Usually it is in the coldest part of the store near the meat or produce sections.  You turn on a GOBO light that flashes the company logo in multi-colored 80's-ness all over the ceiling. You find the produce cooler and get your pesticide-ridden grossly oversized produce (have you ever seen a carrot the size of a coke can?) that has been purchased from somewhere that is obviously downwind of a nuclear power plant and bring those to the booth.  You count stock, buy a cantaloupe and make a melon basket (for the show; don't ask), fill your water pails, and a few other tasks to get ready.

Then, you go over the store's pager system and try and hustle up some people to watch you slice and dice.  "Ladieeeeees and gentlemen.  May I have your attention please! I'm going to give you a free gift in order to entice you to let your ice cream melt for 20 minutes while I show you a kitchen tool that you don't need, didn't come here to buy, but is really handy if you have an extra thirty bucks! Head on over to the white booth where you see the flashing light on the ceiling and wait for my to get my butt from one side of the store to the other. I'll be there once I make one more annoying announcement over the PA system."  (wait about 30-45 seconds) "This is your second annoying announcement! If you want a free piece of plastic, pretty please come to my booth so I can try to sell you something so I can hopefully pay my bills! Pretty please! Ok, I'm on my way over there now! Are you there yet? Please be there.  Thank you."

Of course the phone that you have to use for the announcement invariably is on the other side of the huge conglomerate store so you race over and with any luck greet a group of people (usually around 5-10 shoppers) that hopefully aren't completely annoyed that they've been waiting two whole minutes for you to get there.  You greet them, and then one more announcement at the booth to try and get one or two more stragglers to watch you slice and dice.

Finally.  You're ready.  You show them the free gift and how to use it.  You hope that everyone at least stays for the free gift. You hand out the free gift and beg them to stay for the main part of the presentation.  You present the slicer-dicer.  Most people oooh and ahhh, and usually at least one or two leave during the presentation.  Now, remember not to be too nice.  People don't like you if you're nice.  (WTF???) They think you're trying to sell them something. (duh) So be kind of bitchy.  Now you've chopped and diced nine different pieces of produce and displayed them nicely on your cutting board. Deep breath.  Now you've got to sell them on the price.  Make sure you go slow.  Like, so slow you feel more uncomfortable than you've ever felt.  People are dumb (remember they don't like nice people; how smart can they be) and cannot make a decision so you've got to give them time.

this is not me.  

By then end, hopefully you've got a few takers. The worst is when they all  stay for the whole 25 minutes and then say "thank you" and leave.  You know you were too nice if they do that.  Quit being so nice!!! (side note, why the hell would you stay for a presentation for 25 minutes in the grocery store if you weren't going to buy the thing! honestly. who throws a shoe!?!)

Anyway, lets just say this second week of presentations hasn't exactly been going great.  I have sold some, but not nearly enough to make ends meet or even point in the direction of meeting.  I think I'm going to turn in my two weeks notice. That will give me one more week of guaranteed money and then one week of "you're on your own" commission-only money.  If by some stroke of luck I learn how to not be nice (but not toooo much of a bitch either) and can start to sell a reasonable amount, I'll rescind my two weeks.  And I'll use that money to buy a parka because hell will surely have frozen over.