lets all give thanks

Thanksgiving this year meant my brother (once again) got off scott free since he lives in BFE and "has to" work during the holidays.  Lucky bastard.  I cannot remember the last thanksgiving he actually had to spend with the family.

I know, I know, this is supposed to be a time we are all thankful for the time we get to spend with our loved ones, but as every family sitcom ever told us, it is actually a time of eating our feelings and overexposure to people you love because you have to.

"The Neighbors"

"The New Girl"

"The Middle"

Now, my mother is what I affectionately call the "Tour Guide." Every time she comes to town she is armed to the hilt with a file folder full of magazine clippings, printings from the internet, newspaper articles, and scribbled notes of things to do in town.  I've lived in Los Angeles for a decade, but Tour Guide always seems to find things to do here that I've never done and/or never heard of before.  When she arrives, she goes through the litany of ideas for things to do, Dad and I veto the ones that sound gawd-awful-boring and end up with a list of things that if we really hurry, we can do them all.  Tour Guide plans our days, and we are off! 

We went on hikes, visited the self-realization center/temple/garden, picnicked on the beach, shopped in Malibu, went to the farmer's market, and a ton of other things I've already blocked from my memory.  We basically traipsed the city from morning till night.  Somehow, even with all the activities, I still managed to get grilled by both parents together and individually about my employment status and my relationship status.  You'd think with how busy we were there would be less time for scrutiny. Not so.  (sigh... because I don't feel like enough of a loser already)

Silver lining... we filled my gas tank and went to Trader Joe's to stock the larder and my wallet never left my purse.  I guess now that they are gone and I'm sitting here eating a sammy made from food they bought me I can see that we all pay a price - theirs is a charge on the credit card and mine is listening to them harp on about "aren't you tired of being poor and single" and "you could just move back home" and "what about that nice boy you used to date" and "you're a smart girl; surely somebody will hire you." 

Surely somebody will make me another sammy.  No? Guess I'll have to do that myself. 

aaaand SCENE.

thank you ladies and gentlemen, but joanna has left the building.

AhThank HYew, thank yew vrry much.  Uh huh.

Yeah so remember when I had a momentary thought that I might actually make decent money at that horrible job doing demos of a slice/dice kitchen tool in stores? Bahahahahahahaa! Yeah, about that. What I thought was maybe an upswing in my income was just a small blip in an otherwise flat line.

DOA

Anyway, I most certainly did NOT rescind my resignation so I am once again unemployed... sigh...

Lucky for me, both Mom and Dad will be coming out this week for Thanksgiving.  That should be fun exciting ... interesting.  Thankfully they stay in a hotel when they both come to visit so I will at least be spared from their scrutiny for a few moments of each day about why I cannot seem to find gainful employment or a boyfriend. The good news is I don't have to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and they'll pay for meals.  Whoopee.

Charles Manson isn't dead...

He is looking for a date.

And giving rides to felines as though he were one of Cleopatra's pack mules.

Ha! 

... I think it might be time to try out a different dating site.

fingers crossed

So I only have two days left at this horrible job, and of course, today of all days, I actually make some decent money on my shift.  Granted, I'm not exactly bringing home name-brand bacon , it is more like government ration pork rinds, but it is at least (almost) worthy of the time I put in.

bringing home the bacon

Have I made a mistake in quitting? Have I finally just now gotten the hang of this damn job? Maybe I should rescind my resignation?

...OK, let's not be too hasty.

(I don't know what this is, but I love it.)

Let's see how the next couple of days go and then make our final decision.

NO, Regis, it is NOT my final answer.  Jeez. 

If I make a decent amount of money again even one time in the next two days, I will consider staying on.  My trainer wants me to stay, my boss wants me to stay, but I cannot put in more time without being compensated.  Especially when the circumstances around the job are not what they were advertised to be. Crossing fingers (and toes) that this could actually work out.  I really really really don't want to have to look for a job again....

fun with pix part 5? 6? what number are we on?

Dear men,  

Please do not ever ever ever ever make the ducklips fish face in your online dating profile.  Unless you want to turn off every woman that looks at it... 

this is just NOT ok.  

Sincerely, 

Who-am-I-to-be-giving-dating-advice-clearly-I-haven't-found-a-man.

BGP

There comes times in life when one must hoist up her big girl panties from where they had started to sag around her ankles and be the bigger man. (somehow talking about being a man and wearing panties in the same sentence just happened, and wasn't intended to be ironic.  how ironic.)

I have been invited to an event hosted by my former employers.  I felt that not going would send a message that I was afraid to be in the same room with the woman who essentially fired me (it was a requirement to "re-hire" me/all employees when they were moving locations and she didn't re-hire me. so, basically, fired) and going would mean I had to pretend to have a fabulous life that is so much better than had I been "re-hired."  And clearly my life is not fah-bulous right now as I shiver between frozen foods and the meat cooler slicing and dicing with hands that perpetually smell like onions no matter how often I was them.  Hmmm.... ok, well despite the likelihood of awkwardness this should be a fun event.  Like, at least as fun as a trip to the dentist.  And I want to show them that I don't need their stupid job and that being un-hired was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  I don't know why I even care, but I do.  So what do I need to succeed? 

First, a wing man. Someone I can count on to be there for me, to mingle with, to be an escape plan for the end of the evening, a bolster of support while we're there, and maybe would even have some fun themselves.  (Damn, this is where having a boyfriend would come in handy. grrrr...) Texted a few peeps and got one that is free and will come and be an amazing support system! Yes!!! 

Next, a way to spin this current hellhole job so that it sounds fun and easy-breezy.  Hmm.  Ok, well we will call it "part-time" so as to sound less committal as a career move and less essential for cashflow.  And hey, it was advertised as part-time so even though it is basically full-time we don't have to say that.  And we'll call it "wacky" and "fun" even though it is "horrendous" and "makes me want to stab someone in the eye." I can also say it's just a little "side-gig" for a "few extra bucks" as though my acting and writing work is providing me with enough and this is just vacation/nicer car/designer jeans/expensive handbag money.  And then we'll quickly change the subject.

Finally, the last key components.  Arrive juuuuust as the event is starting and leave before it is over.  Minimize risk of crying, embarrassment, and all-out lies.  "Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I don't work there. Who has the time?? My book publisher would kill me if I pushed one more deadline."  ... "Goodness! I just don't know how you still work there.  I mean, aren't you an actor like me? And you're still not on a TV show??? Honey, I'll talk to my producer and see if we can get you on as an extra." ... "Oh I never worked at any job for money.  Hahahahaa! Sweetie, that's what trust funds are for! I just like to discourse with the commoners so I know how to play one on TV."

Dah-ling! So good to see you... beneath me. 

*deep breath* (hoists BGPs) here goes nuthin. 

rude boy

no, that's not an insult, that's his username.  "rudeboy" emailed me the other day on the dating site.  With that username, you know I had to check him out.  Who on earth would advertise their rudeness? For starters, someone who is 33 years old, lives in suburbia, is really good at "grilling, drinking, being whitty [sic], slappy ass banter, stirring up some humor, posting and roasting" and the first thing people notice about him are his "top notch social skills." One of the six things he could never do without is "herbs" and he spends a lot of time thinking about "blazing a fire."  Something tells me this guy might be a total pothead.  And by "might be a total pothead" I mean "definitely is a total pothead." He sounds like a real winner.  And by "winner" I mean "loser."  Here's a picture he used to advertise himself.

Its funny because he's pretending to drink the beer in the poster.  Ha...

To his credit (possibly the only one) he states, "My sister is gay and if you think she is going to hell then you can fuck your face." So he's not a complete ass/is not homophobic.

My curiosity got the best of me and I emailed him back asking about his username.  I just couldn't believe that someone would actually A) be cognizant that they are a rude person and B) promote that feature of themselves as a username.  It turns out that Rudeboy is one of the many names that Rastas call each other.  He apparently has been "into the movement" since he was a teenager and assured me he is not actually rude.  Mmmyeahh.... someone's gotta tell this guy that 99.99999% of the women on this site are not going to know that particular Rastafarian term of endearment and are just going to ignore you because they think you're rude.  Or they will look at your profile and realize you're a suburban wastoid pothead who wishes he were cooler than he actually is and still ignore you.

*feeling the slightest bit guilty about the name-calling, but he started it.  :-p

wishful thinking

When I applied for this job they indicated that I would be working five hour shifts comprised of twenty-five minute presentations followed by twenty minute breaks.  So there was no lunch break scheduled in.  No big deal because it would only be five hours total and several large breaks in between, right? uhm, NO.  They also said I would average between $600-800/week.  BHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! hilarious. except, not.

:/

First, if you're the morning shift you're expected to get there about 45 minutes to an hour early to set everything up for the day or conversely if you're an evening shift stay about 45 minutes or an hour after to close everything down for the night. Plus about 30 minutes on the opposite end of your shift for the shift-change duties.  Second, these "20 minute breaks" are actually time in between presentations where you spend at least 15 of those minutes cleaning up from your last show/setting up for your next show.  You may or may not have five minutes to use the restroom, eat, or send a text message. Your total day is closer to 7 1/2 hours with no break.

Let me paint a picture of what this looks like.  You arrive at your national chain grocery store and find where there is a large booth.  Usually it is in the coldest part of the store near the meat or produce sections.  You turn on a GOBO light that flashes the company logo in multi-colored 80's-ness all over the ceiling. You find the produce cooler and get your pesticide-ridden grossly oversized produce (have you ever seen a carrot the size of a coke can?) that has been purchased from somewhere that is obviously downwind of a nuclear power plant and bring those to the booth.  You count stock, buy a cantaloupe and make a melon basket (for the show; don't ask), fill your water pails, and a few other tasks to get ready.

Then, you go over the store's pager system and try and hustle up some people to watch you slice and dice.  "Ladieeeeees and gentlemen.  May I have your attention please! I'm going to give you a free gift in order to entice you to let your ice cream melt for 20 minutes while I show you a kitchen tool that you don't need, didn't come here to buy, but is really handy if you have an extra thirty bucks! Head on over to the white booth where you see the flashing light on the ceiling and wait for my to get my butt from one side of the store to the other. I'll be there once I make one more annoying announcement over the PA system."  (wait about 30-45 seconds) "This is your second annoying announcement! If you want a free piece of plastic, pretty please come to my booth so I can try to sell you something so I can hopefully pay my bills! Pretty please! Ok, I'm on my way over there now! Are you there yet? Please be there.  Thank you."

Of course the phone that you have to use for the announcement invariably is on the other side of the huge conglomerate store so you race over and with any luck greet a group of people (usually around 5-10 shoppers) that hopefully aren't completely annoyed that they've been waiting two whole minutes for you to get there.  You greet them, and then one more announcement at the booth to try and get one or two more stragglers to watch you slice and dice.

Finally.  You're ready.  You show them the free gift and how to use it.  You hope that everyone at least stays for the free gift. You hand out the free gift and beg them to stay for the main part of the presentation.  You present the slicer-dicer.  Most people oooh and ahhh, and usually at least one or two leave during the presentation.  Now, remember not to be too nice.  People don't like you if you're nice.  (WTF???) They think you're trying to sell them something. (duh) So be kind of bitchy.  Now you've chopped and diced nine different pieces of produce and displayed them nicely on your cutting board. Deep breath.  Now you've got to sell them on the price.  Make sure you go slow.  Like, so slow you feel more uncomfortable than you've ever felt.  People are dumb (remember they don't like nice people; how smart can they be) and cannot make a decision so you've got to give them time.

this is not me.  

By then end, hopefully you've got a few takers. The worst is when they all  stay for the whole 25 minutes and then say "thank you" and leave.  You know you were too nice if they do that.  Quit being so nice!!! (side note, why the hell would you stay for a presentation for 25 minutes in the grocery store if you weren't going to buy the thing! honestly. who throws a shoe!?!)

Anyway, lets just say this second week of presentations hasn't exactly been going great.  I have sold some, but not nearly enough to make ends meet or even point in the direction of meeting.  I think I'm going to turn in my two weeks notice. That will give me one more week of guaranteed money and then one week of "you're on your own" commission-only money.  If by some stroke of luck I learn how to not be nice (but not toooo much of a bitch either) and can start to sell a reasonable amount, I'll rescind my two weeks.  And I'll use that money to buy a parka because hell will surely have frozen over.