Douchery: Part Two

Remember that one time I joined Tinder? I was flabbergasted by the number of atrocious profile pix I encountered in the first 24 hours of membership. There were so many I didn't want to overwhelm by putting them all in one entry. You can see Douchery: Part One here, and read on to see the rest.

These are by far more horrifying than the ones you've already seen. *shudders*

Y'all keep in mind this is his MAIN PHOTO used to attract members of the opposite sex. Eww. I do not want to see your little black curlies peeking over the top of your pants nor do I need to see the outline of your manbits in the fabric. This is so much more offensive than your standard shirtless picture. Dear darling idiot Jacob, I almost hope you thought you were posting on Grindr not Tinder, because that is who it looks like you are trying to attract.

My guess is Sergio has a small penis. Why else would your main profile picture be a phallus gun? Also, if I were to go out with him I would be more than a little scared. If you advertise yourself as a gun, I worry that you are abusive, controlling, and an asshole. No, no, not all gun owners are these things, just like #notallmen rhetoric. But not all gun owners put their gun in a place their face should be.

Look, I am not a prude (well, maybe a little) and am cool with whatever y'all want to do to each other consensually in the privacy of your homes. But in "public"? In the everlasting world of the internets where things NEVER DISAPPEAR??? Obscene. And what is it with guys with armband/tribal tattoos wearing women's things? (see my prior post if you haven't already)

Yes, that is a man wiping his ass with the American flag. It was so unbelievable that I had to look twice too. Let me be clear - I am the first to fight for free speech. My mother is a librarian, for chrisssakes. I have never been through a nudescope at the airport because I feel it violates my rights. I have the most extremely opposite views of Westboro Baptists but would fight for their right to speak their minds; and I love that we live in a country where we can all say what we want and not go to jail for it. All that being said, I do not want to see someone basically taking a dump in front of me on a dating site.

So maybe it is reallyreallyreally important that you let me know you own a gun, or that you shit on America. You can have up to six pictures, put it in as number three or four. Or even better, write about it in your bio. I know, you only get 500 words in the bio section and a picture is worth 1000, but sometimes brevity is best.

Douchery: Part One

Apparently all the cool kids are using Tinder for dating these days, so I thought I would try it next. Because I am nothing if not cool. *quakes with laughter*

I will say I am enjoying the expediency of knocking through the losers and fuglys and the "I couldn't be bothered to write anything for my profile" guys. I can swipe left like nobody's business. But I have to say the number of wierdos I have encountered in less than 24 hours of participation is astounding.

Let's look at a few, shall we? We'll start with some of the milder offenders.

This one isn't particularly offensive, but your main picture is not only of three dudes (which one are you), but they are all masked??? How did Ryan think this would be the best pic to invite someone to swipe right? (or click the green heart, as it were) An easy "NO."

I actually gotta give this guy some credit for originality. It takes something to not only purposely give yourself that tan line but to blast it to the internets/potential mates. *notice I left alone the tribal tattoo and the armband tattoo. I have nothing if not tact. ;)

Do you remember the "hot felon?" Well Christopher decided to entice the ladies with that criminal's mugshot. I went ahead and clicked through to see what he really looked like and let's just say disappointed doesn't even begin to cover it. Don't tease me with sexy hottttness and then you be, uhm, not.

Perhaps he thought that the ladies would swoon over the fact that he is a singer. I am mildly horrified that we have 11 friends in common on facebook.

Ok lovies, that's enough for now... more scandalous pix from the first 24 hours of Tinder coming soon!

Someday my prince will come

And it better be soon because Snow White is getting a little long in the tooth.

this just makes me giggle

You might remember how this princess was being courted by a beau who flew her hither and yon and made her have butterflies in her belly. Things were going swimmingly until he decided not to talk to me for over a week because he is "really stressed" and "work is crazy" and "it's not that I didn't want to talk to you"... mmhmm.





I realize people have things that are important to them. Perhaps even more important than my insightful insights, smartypants words of wisdom, loving lovely-ness, and hilarious humor. As for Todd, I am not naive enough to think I would always be his first priority. But you would think I would at least make the top five.

Top Five Priorities:
1. work
2. eat
3. sleep
4. facebook
5. girlfriend

Cowardly Todd* couldn't face the munchkins, er, uh, music

He neglected to tell me he had rearranged his list to look something like this:
Priorities:
1. work
2. other stuff
...
1,000,000,000,000. girlfriend

mmmhmmm. that ain't gonna cut it.

So my tale will remain unfinished with yet another plot twist of moderate proportions. I am officially Tindering my resignation... *winkyface*