'tis the season for credit card bills

jingle bells, batman smells, santa lost his way...

let's look at christmas gifts throughout my years:

young Joanna: barbie corvette

sorta-young Joanna: Whitney Houston cassette tape (greatest love of all!)

medium-young Joanna: leather jacket (clearly I was a badass)

college Joanna: cash (for booze, naturally)

and now, ... medium-old Joanna:

oh shit I just spent $850 on my car for tires and brakes how the f*ck am I going to pay for that???

Looks like Santa is bringing me a check made out to American Express.  Although apparently asking for the whole amount was a little much. At least Santa made a dent...

(sigh)... so much for the fun and excitement of opening presents on Christmas Day. Remember when it was so magical? Now its "your grown-ass child cannot pay her own bills," "use some of her inheritance now" and "bail her out one more time."

Longing for the good 'ole days where Christmas was about excess and things you don't need.

bibbity bobbity boo

Ok Mr. Universe, Ms. Give-me-what-I-want-Fairy, my Genie in a bottle with your stupid three wishes,

I appreciate all this work (and paychecks) you're throwing my way, but this isn't exaaactly what I meant.

Having two days off out of 20 is not what I was looking for! I am TIRED. And because I am TIRED I am having to pass up on fun stuff.  Like drinks with friends (you know how I hate to miss an opportunity to booze it up), birthday parties (hello, booze-portunity missed again!), and even line dancing (booze-a-thon!).  I've been forced to douse myself in Vitamin C just to keep from getting sick.

And to top it off, this "awesome" work you've been getting me? While not exactly "difficult," it certainly isn't what I thought I'd be doing with my life at this age.  I can see myself at my next high school reunion -

Classmate 1:

 I'm so amazing. I dance professionally for Alvin Ailey as their lead dancer.

Classmate 2:

I have two darling children that I home school and my husband is a doctor AND a lawyer!

Classmate 3:

 I was just the lead in a movie playing Brad Pitt's wife! (true story btw)

Classmate 4:

I've been traveling the world ending hunger and war! Joanna, what have you been up to?

Joanna:

Well, the other day at work I made reindeer water bottles...

So much for a little part-time gig to give me some extra cash during the week.  Now I am full-time mummy-juice, turkey-lollipop, craft-maker. Oh - and weekend teacher. Whew... I need a drink.

the anti-review

Goddam Bakersfield.

So I got asked suckered into working in god-forsaken Bakersfield again teaching the kids how to walk with a book on their heads.

Maybe I'm becoming numb or stupid or just used to it, but I am not hating it as much as I was at first. Maybe also because it isn't the heat of summer anymore where it "cooled down" to a whopping 105 degrees at 8:12 at night.

So they still pay a bunch extra and put us up in a hotel the night before.  We usually just stay in the same hotel that we teach the classes. Makes it super easy to just roll out of bed and go to work.  Well, a couple of times the company travel agent has put us up in the Padre Hotel.  I don't know if she thinks she is doing us a favor putting us in Bakersfield's attempt at Vegas/posh/hip/boutique hotel, but in reality she is putting us in the worst hotel I have ever stayed in.  Its like they spent all their money on showy things to make it look fancy and then forgot to spend money on the things people actually need in a hotel room, like a comfortable bed.  Their beds feel like you are lying on concrete.  I do not exaggerate.

If that weren't bad enough, in the three times I have been forced to stay there, they have not once been able to accommodate us with two beds. We reserve two, but then conveniently they are always "sold out" and cannot give us two beds. The first time, we got a roll-away, and it was actually pretty comfy.

The second time, they were "so swamped" that they were out of roll-aways and could offer us a "cot." Which a sweaty smelly man brought up and and proceeded to dress with a bottom sheet and a thin cotton blanket.  No top sheet, no comforter, nothing.  Oh, there was a pillow. When I went to try to lie on it, I realized that it was only about 2 inches thick and you could feel all the coils as though you were going to get stabbed by them all night long.

The third time, they brought a roll-away, but there was one small glitch.  It was so sunken in in the middle that you were in the boat pose from yoga if you tried to lie down.

I won't even go into the other details that sucked in the room, which were many, but instead focus on the piece de resistance.  This wanna-be-Vegas hotel has a nightclub on the second floor.  A nightclub that has an outdoor area.  That is in the MIDDLE of the square shaped hotel.  So the sound gets stuck/funnels up to all the rooms surrounding the outdoor nightclub. And if you think they spent no money on beds, they spent even less on soundproofing.  Your luxury curtains and Kohler sink do nothing for me when I am trying to sleep on concrete in what sounds like the middle of a club.

And then after that restful night's sleep, get up and drive 15 minutes to get to work. Which may not seem like much, but when you've already driven an hour and 45 minutes to get to a hotel where you slept like on a rock, you really consider shopping for a gun.

on the downhill slide

you know how some birthdays you feel so young and carefree, and then others you think "how the hell did I get so fucking old???" yeah, well I just had the latter.  When my mom was my age, she had a four year old (me, the darling one) and an 8 year old (my older brother).  I can barely pay my bills and am dating someone just out of diapers college. (relatively speaking) What the hell am I doing???

Ahh well, at least I'm not this guy. 

I was once told by a psychic that my late 30's - early 40's would be the start of big success in my career... is that the silver lining of getting older? Something to look forward to in the coming years? Can that success get started a little early please?

oh hold on, I think I just heard something... was that a knock at the door? no? is that just my imagination?

Hello? Opportunity? Anyone there? 

hmm... I'll just keep opening the door over and over again just in case.  ya never know.

Black Gold, Texas Tea, Swimming Pools, Movie Stars

I just turned down a job. An acting job. What is the world coming to????

(sigh...)

It was even a paid acting job. And a fun role. And up in Northern Cali for 6 weeks. But not paid enough. Who can live off of $275/week??? That is below the poverty line! I guess they can only hire trust fund kids.

too bad my oil money hasn't come in yet.

(double sigh...)

So I stay here in LALALand aimed on getting something even bigger and better than some dumb lead role in some dumb play in some dumb picturesque town for some dumb reputable theater company.

Hey Uncle Jed? How soon can I get adopted?

ha-ha-ha. ... not funny

remember when I was complaining about having too many things to do? Well, I guess I shoulda kept my big trap shut.

I cancelled my regularly scheduled teaching to go to the audition, I cancelled going to a screening with my bf to work the Betty job, and was pressing to shoot the unstitched stuff later in the day so I could "do it all."

And then...

Filming is pushed to next weekend.  My new Betty position - the bosslady is  sick.  Her assistant (wait... who was I supposed to be? Assistant #2??) will call back if they decide they want me still. The only thing I have left is my audition on Sunday.  Aaaand just like that, my weekend opened up again.

wiiiide open.  

Not quite what I was looking for! Time to create my own destiny.  dun dun dunnnnnn

anyone know anything about cloning?

ok Universe, when I said I wanted more work, I didn't mean for them all to fall on the same day. I am scheduled to shoot a sketch for Unstitched (see video below) on Saturday and on Sunday I have my regularly scheduled teaching gig.



And I have an audition on Sunday at the same time as I am supposed to teach, and I got a new Betty gig for Saturday and possibly Sunday.  Seriously??? And here I sit all day today and tomorrow with nothing to do. Even my hike-date cancelled on me for tomorrow morning.

How the hell am I supposed to be in all those places at once? Jeebus.  Time to prioritize.  Trouble is, do I choose paying bills or chasing the dream?

When does "or" become "and"???

aaand 2.2 seconds later

I worked for this woman for less than 5 hours, and all of a sudden the woman who couldn't do one single thing for herself and "didn't want to be alone on moving day" now no longer needs assistance.  ah-huh. riiight.  I got more done for her in four and a half hours than she got done in four and a half months, literally. 

I got an email Sunday evening saying she would take over from here.  What? Lady, you can't even get to the clothing resale store two blocks away from your house to hock your wardrobe rejects! Whatever.  Good riddance. She couldn't even face me to get her keys and things back.  She had to have her bff meet me at her apartment!

seriously, just add long hair and there you have her

On a side note, when you put "simpering idiot" into google images, this is the VERY FIRST picture that pops up. heehee.

Honey Boo-Hoo

I got a new position with Run Around Betties! Yay!

Aaaaand she is s simpering idiot...

This woman cannot seem to do anything for herself.  I am doing things like getting quotes for movers, cable, internet, carpet cleaning, etc.  She moves in just about a week and has done NOTHING on her to-do list.  Her apartment has not one single box packed.  She has made list after list of things that need to be done, but all she can manage to do is make another list.  Yowza.

When I met with her, she was whining about how she has never done this alone before.  Well boo-fucking-hoo.  Time to grow up and take care of your adult life without diapers.

*Actual picture of my boss.  She's an ugly one. 

Whatever, if you can't seem to do anything yourself, pay me to do it.  I'll take your money!

Ca-Chiiiiing! 

*gasp* I've posted again.

So I've been working like a fiend, and still barely making ends meet.  Well, it has been rather feast or famine, actually.  So, some weeks I am working like a dog with no time off at all, and others I am twiddling my thumbs with not enough to do.  And trying to get work on the twiddle thumbs weeks is challenging because there is almost no time to ramp up to employment over 3-5 days.

twiddles thumbs

My "Betty" job for the commercial producer has not *ahem* ... "produced" any commercial casting for me yet, but has been a fun and easy job thus far.  My concern now is that her big party season is over, and will she still need me?  Last week I only worked 3.5 hours and this week am only scheduled to work about 8. Mama needs some more hours than that!

Just to recap that job - I am basically a wife.  I run errands, grocery shop, do a little light filing at her home office, do craft projects for the kids' school or birthday or whatnot, and help with events at the school or various parties and functions.

luckily I don't have to clean, take care of the kids, or give head! 

My weekend job is still about the same.  The daily rate is really really nice, but it is hard work and inconsistent as well.

My man-piece is still there, and we are navigating the waters of relationship fairly well.  We like to do things together, and we also do things apart.  The confusing thing to me is about two or three months ago, I thought he was going to drop the "L" word.  Then he didn't.  And now we've been dating just about six months and still no "L" word.  I'm just a little confused... is he not saying it because he doesn't know if he feels it, or is he not saying it because he doesn't want to move our relationship that fast? Does he feel saying it is the same as putting a ring on my finger and he's not ready for that? Or is it that he doesn't want to get my hopes up for a ring at all?????

On the one hand, I am not getting any younger, and I don't want to waste my time. But on the other hand, I don't want to rush through/past something just because it isn't completely apparently clear exaaaactily how it will turn out.  meh.  where's my crystal ball???

didn't even have to use my A-K

gotta say it was a good day.

my agent says I'm "one of his favorite clients" and then I get a "Betty" assignment all within an hour of each other!

oh, and the new assignment as a Betty is working for a woman that produces commercials.  not a bad assignment.  maybe she'll even decide to cast me in one... here's to hopin'.

lest I count those chickens before they hatch, who knows this could all mean nothing.  but. I have a good feeling.

fucking Bakersfield.

fucking Bakersfield. yeah I said it again.

AKA meth capital of southern cali

It's almost two hours away and it made me miss the Superbowl and St. Patrick's Day.  Like, only the two biggest drinking days of the year! And it is a job that drives me to drink, as if it weren't bad enough already.

My first day on the job was Superbowl Sunday.  I got called in desperation because two of the three teachers called out "sick."  Yeah, yeah, you're sick on Superbowl Sunday, not drinking with your friends at all -- "please pretty please will you please go to Bakersfield tomorrow? We'll pay for xyz extra and put you up in a hotel and name our first child after you?" (sigh) (double sigh) Good thing I really need the money because I was planning to go to a super bowl party just a few miles from my house with the ability to sleep over if I got too drunk to drive home.  Yeah. So as my friends were all toasting their team or their favorite Doritos commercial, I was tutoring little kids how to walk with a book on their heads.  Yeah.

Next, I find myself roped in to teach at Bakersfield for the remainder of the sessions there.  That's ok; there is only 4 sessions left and they will continue to pay me all this extra money, put me up in a hotel the night before, etc etc. Oh yeah, and I still need the money.  So yesterday was St. Patrick's Day.  And I'm Irish.  And I'm wearing my green accent tank top and green ring and green earrings with my required black business attire and I'm teaching kids to walk down the runway.  Aaaaand I'm completely sober.  Yeahhhhh.

This is the worst school schedule ever.  Who cares that I make gobs of money? Who cares that I actually enjoy spending time with these kids? I am missing valuable drinking hours! I am missing drunken "I love you, man" and blurry trips to the bathroom with girlfriends where they keep you from sitting on the pee'd on toilet.  I could have made multiple bad decisions, stayed out way too late, and be hungover right now.

I can't think of any other holidays that I would have to work on that would impede my drinking, but I feel certain if there is something, anything that this school could make me miss it will.  Especially if it involves heavy drinking.  Last saturday I missed a house party.  Not like that is a huge deal but still... I'm just going to have to drink extra during the week to make up for it. Bottom's up y'all.

a job (or four), a car and a boyfriend.

when I started this crazy adventure nearly a year ago I had no idea where it would lead. I now have three or four jobs (depending on what/how you count), a boyfriend and a car. now what!?!?!?

One thing I never planned on was that my three/four jobs would still not pay all my bills. yeahhhh. so there's that.

I work on the weekends teaching kids acting and modeling, but it is not consistently every weekend nor necessarily both days of the weekend.  If it were, that would be a nice chunk of change every week and almost enough to get by.  But it isn't.

(not actually one of my students)

So I signed up to do extra work. I got one of these calling services that will do the grunt work for you to get you jobs. I have gotten one single solitary day of work through them in a month, but that was cancelled by the production before I could actually do it (ie: no paycheck). Ugh.

Then, I'm working on this TV show as a writer and actor, but it is not exactly managed well, nor will it pay anything until we sell it.  I believe in the show, in the concept, and in the ability for it to provide me with viable employment in the future. But as for now, it is bringing me a whopping $0 on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.

Most recently I just got hired as a "Betty," or a personal assistant for hire on a contract basis.  This company hires out personal assistants for as little as an hour or as much as full-time, although most of the clients only need someone a few hours per week. Granted, I just got them the paperwork last week, but I haven't gotten any calls for work there either.

Egads!

And, c'mon REALLY!?!?!??!  FOUR jobs and I still don't make ends meet? This is ridiculous. I am ready to bring home the bacon!

mmmm... bacon

valentines day

what do you do for your first valentine's day together when you've only been dating a month? sweep a girl off her feet, apparently.

I wake to flowers and chocolate, a picnic basket, and Santa Barbara magazine.  Yup, we're going to Santa Barbara for the day. Would you believe I have lived in LA for over a decade and have never been to the most picturesque town of Santa Barbara that is less than an hour and a half away???

First, breakfast.  He whips up a scrumptious hot breakfast, which I devour.  Then we pack up the picnic basket with food he has bought and prepared.  There is enough for about six people to stuff themselves silly.  We load up the car and off we go!

I read up on Santa Barbara magazine on the way down and find a fun walking tour and some other sightseeing that seems like it would be fun.

Santa Barbara Courthouse

the view from the Courthouse. gorgeous!

walking on the walking tour

TURTLES!!!

picnic on the beach

SO ROMANTICAL! So many smooches, so much fun, connecting, talking, and just so thoughtful. Le sigh... I think I'm gonna keep this one around for a while...

my new man-piece

So I've been dating this new guy for about a month now... and it has been a whirlwind! He brought his broom and boy am I swept! (off my feet.  for those of you who went to public school)

tweedle dee dee

I've asked for this, right? I wanted the hearts and rainbows and I got them! But I also got neglect in nearly every other area of life... my poor friends! I'm SO that girl who gets a man and doesn't have friends anymore.  My poor career! I'm SO that girl who gets a man and pays no mind to her job (or quest for one in my case).  My poor family! I'm SO that girl who gets a man and then makes no attempt to make travel arrangements for her brother's wedding.  (although that being said, maybe now I will have a "plus one"!)

Mr. T says, "Stop it, Foo!"

This is it, folks.  This is where I learn how to actively pursue my dream career with everything that I am, have amazing, rich, lifetime friendships, continue to build on the strong foundation of my family, AND foster a loving, trusting, communicative relationship with a man.

maybe I'll even catch some bad guys while I'm at it

Misconception or I should have known better

Remember when I used to work shopping for children?

I'll take this cute one, salesclerk.  Make sure you include the receipt.

Well, I got a chance to work on the other end of that. And boy was that juice not worth the squeeze.

My current part-time job is working for a 70+ year old acting a modeling school teaching kids and teens.  The curriculum is a 10 week course, and so far I have only subbed a few classes.  This past weekend I got the opportunity to work one of the recruiting events, or "free workshop" classes designed to entice kids to take the classes.

I got the email and it said to be there by 9:30AM, and there would be "workshops" at 10, 12, 3 and 5 and that lunch would be provided.  I figured that the last workshop would be maybe an hour or so and that I would be done by 6:30 or 7:00PM at the latest.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

We didn't start the first workshop until about 10:30 or 10:45AM due to technical difficulties, and the workshops were lasting anywhere from 2-3 hours EACH. That is 2-3 hours of trying to entertain kids ranging from 6-18 years old. Two to three hours of wrangling bored parents into clapping for everyone and who could care less about any other child but their own.  And then repeat these tasks for FOUR different workshops. The last workshop of the day started at about 6:30PM and I was not done until almost 9:00PM. I barely got 30 minutes to scarf down the free lunch provided (a soggy Subway sandwich) and was standing in my heels practically the whole day.  And YES I would like some cheese with my whine.

If I didn't like the regular teaching gig so much/it didn't pay as well as it does I would have walked out of there at about 5PM, giving them a few choice words not fit for young ears.  But.  I would like to continue to work for them.  So.  I stayed.  But now I know.  If they ever want me to work a "free workshop" day again, they can go fuck themselves.