Nerves of Steel. Yeah, Steel.

Remember that new job I just got? Holy hell, batman.

I've spent the last week memorizing (well, trying to memorize) this seven page script I have to know.  Now, I'm an actor, and I usually have no trouble at all memorizing stuff! I'll get a scene for an audition and look at it a couple of times and basically have the thing memorized. But this... this is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to memorize.  Harder than Shakespeare or Chekhov .  What usually makes a thing easy for me to know - emotions, dialogue cues, natural ways of speaking/train of thought - yeah there's none of that here.

So we're supposed to be "off book" for our two days of in-house training.  Mmmyeahh... that didn't quite happen. I got about half of it memorized.  Thankfully, they didn't fire me.  :)  Tomorrow we will be in a store... actually presenting.  fuckfuckfuck I'm so effing nervous I don't know what to do with myself.  I am having the worst performance anxiety I've ever experienced.  WTF.

Nerves of steel.  And by "steel" I mean "jello. "

I think I'm going to vomit.

Who is this person that gets nervous??? Not this girl.  I don't EVER have a fluttery stomach when I am about to perform.  I can improv my way through anything!!  *sigh...*

Maybe I should just quit.  I could just not show up.  It's only been a couple of days, right? But then I won't get my guaranteed money... Ok, Joanna, suck it up.  No matter how bad you are, they will still pay you if you just show up. So... you can do this.  Spend a few more hours with your script.  You'll be fine.  Just like Aerosmith says, you're gonna be F.I.N.E. Fine. (F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional)

*SOB*

Is it possible tomorrow will not come for it's regularly scheduled programming?