Don't judge a book by its alcohol content

Ahhh Christmas.  A time for drinking.  I always become slightly alcoholic at Christmastime.  What ever did I do before I turned 21? I'm sure I was miserable, although I can't really remember so I must have blocked it from memory.

my glass is on the left

This Christmas was a bit different.  No, not any less boozy.  In fact, maybe even more boozy. But usually it is just me, my folks and my brother.  This year, we had nearly a dozen including some soon-to-be extended family.  Recently my brother got engaged; I was going to meet her for the first time and also meet her brother.  Before the trip I was asking my bro about her bro and even though I must have gotten a pretty good description (the two boys are such good friends they braid each other's hair), for some reason the only two things that stuck in my memory banks were "smokes" and "likes to shoot guns." Now, I actually like to shoot guns (I've only done it a couple of times but boy was it strangely fun) but for some reason I created this vision of him in my head:

Now maybe this is the booze talking, but the guy I met was really smart, funny, sweet, charming and quite handsome.  What the hell kind of description did my brother tell me? Who knows, but it coulda been better.  I'd have packed something other than my usual bright-red-christmas-leftover-from-the-early-90s pants and light-up antler headband. Wait, now I'm feeling like a back woods country hick... Trying to impress my soon-to-be-brother-in-law-twice-removed? *shakes head* Time to detox my liver and get back to LA. ...Juuust in time for new year's eve, the last booziday (for those of you on the short bus that's booze and holiday combined into one word) of the year.  Which, incidentally, makes the first day of your new year one of headache, nausea, and laying on the couch cursing that sweet devil-friend alcohol.  Where's your resolution now, huh? Now go fix mommy a drink.

just puked in my mouth a little

here's an excerpt from an online dating profile of a real winner:

The six things I could never do without Sparkling water, internet, blow jobs, music, Jack Purcell's, white t-shirts, side boob (oops that's 7)

lord give me strength... telling me that you can't live without BJs doesn't exactly entice me to give you one. and side boob? somehow that makes it all even worse.  eww...

***

Please, pretty please put your dick back in the box.

you're listening to radio KWTF

I hope I'm not bursting anyone's bubble, but one of my favorite gigs is "live" radio shows.  You know on morning shows when they have listeners call in and air their dirty laundry? Many times that is not real... those are actors improvising a setup thought up by some producer.

*POP*

Today I got to "call in" to a radio show in Southern California and say that my "husband" bought me a treadmill on Amazon for Christmas and I know this because the confirmation email came to me and I am upset because I don't want a treadmill.  Now sometimes you get to chat with the DJs for a while and sometimes it is quick.  I had a whole back-story planned: I mentioned to my sister that I was thinking about starting to workout and my husband must have overheard.  I can appreciate the lengths he went to to find an original gift that I might actually like, but does he secretly think I'm fat? Is he giving me a hint? He must not be attracted to me anymore. Doesn't he know that treadmills are expensive and I would rather have had a vacation??? And does he not know that our place is small??  We don't have room for a treadmill.  If he really wanted to buy me something insulting a gym membership would have been better; at least that is something that I would use. Jeez.

Ooooh snap. (sassy hair whip)

Sadly, I think the bit was about 90 seconds and I barely even got out the explanation of why I knew that he bought me the treadmill.  All that back story for nuthin'.

Well, if any of you are in SoCal tomorrow listening to morning radio and hear a familiar story, you'll know it was because my husband is a complete ass and doesn't realize you never buy a woman an appliance for christmas.

that's a fake smile if I ever saw one/going to withhold sex for two months

mmm... cake.

there's always those random jobs, where you think, how on earth does a person find out about that opportunity?? Things like this:

I imagine the interview process is something like this:

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you have experience attending surprise parties, pulling the old "tap-someone-on-the-other-shoulder gag," and have frequently use the word "sike!" in your vocabulary, but I don't see any experience with baked goods.  How would your previous experience lend itself to your having success in this position?

Potential hire: Well, I know I'm rather inexperienced in this exact position, but I feel that the cumulative results of my previous work will give me a solid platform on which to build a new skill set and enhance my current skills.

Interviewer: Let me ask you how you would react to this situation, because this has actually happened before.  You pop out of the cake, and you get icing in your eye.  What do you do?

Potential hire: Oh wow, that's a tough one.  Well, I am a huge proponent for follow through.  I don't let a little something such as a hiccup in the plan get in my way.  I would simply close that particular eye and let the tears do their work.  I would rather have a few streams of ocular-aquatics down my face than ruin someone's special moment.  I am deeply committed to a strong work ethic.  The show must go on, as they say.

Interviewer: Wonderful! Well, we are seeing a few other applicants this week.  I can't say anything officially, but let's just say I have a good feeling about you.  We will be in touch.  ...

bragging rights

Can I just say that I LOVE being in "the industry" this time of year? Free movies galore! Oooh-la-la!

You fancy, huh?

Here are some highlights:
- screening of the tv show Revenge followed by a Q&A with the cast (I heart Madeline Stowe!!)
- screening of the movie The Sessions followed by a Q&A with John Hawkes and Annika Marks. Do yourself a favor and watch this movie.  Helen Hunt and John Hawkes give award-worthy performances.  Like whoa. (Plus Helen Hunt gets all nakies and she is hottt for 49 years old.  She's hot for 29. Damn. I only hope I can look that good someday...)
- screening of the movie Argo followed by Q&A with Bryan Cranston (who you might know from Malcolm in the Middle or Breaking Bad ).  He just seems like the nicest guy you'd ever meet, like the guy you'd always want to have at your dinner party because he is so smart, humble, funny and could even hold a conversation with your persnickety old Aunt Myrtle.

- and my piece de resistance, where I literally almost had two friends stop speaking to me because I did not invite them as my plus one... Les Misérables followed by a Q&A with the director Tom Hooper and the actor that played Marius Eddie Redmayne. I die! I die!!!!!! I could just go on and on about how AMAZEBALLS this movie is.  Just you wait it will clean up at all of the award shows.  So good! (Remember to bring a kleenex.  Or three.)

Don't hate

On a side note, the idiot moderator kept referring to Eddie as the "breakout star" of the movie.  Uhmmm he's already won a Tony and been nominated for an Emmy. Not to mention he's also won a Critic's Circle award and way back in 2004 won something called the Evening Standard Outstanding Newcomer Award. *eyeroll*

Here's what I love about Q&A's.  You get to "meet" some of your idols and see what they are like in "real life." Here's what I dis-like/hate about them.  The moderators are (almost always) idiots and say really stupid stuff either fluffing the ego/embarrassing the person being interviewed or ask some equally stupid question nobody in the audience gives a shit about.  And there's always at least one person in the audience who doesn't really have a question to ask, but just likes the sound of their own voice and so they just blather on with nondescript compliments "that was really great" or "you were awesome" until they finally come up with something to ask or the moderator finally cuts in with "did you have a question?"  Or, their dad/mom/auntie/great-grandpa/friend-from-elementary-school was famous once and they want to tell everyone in the audience. Either way, completely annoying.

*side-side-note I did not get the weemen's gym job.  She said she would call me to let me know; she did not. I called and left a message to follow up and got no reply.  Meh.  Whatevs. 

well hellooooo ladies...

Got myself a job interview at a women's only gym.  (or as my dad would say, 'weeeeemen's gym,' pronounced like Oscar Mayer's 'wiener')  even though the last time I worked at a gym I gained weight and was completely micro-managed.  I interviewed with the assistant manager lady and seemed to win her over, although the interview was über-short and felt like she was rushing through it.

She ended the interview by letting me know she would be seeing some other applicants, and would let me know by next Monday.  Why do I feel like I shouldn't be holding my breath?

On a side note, I had to wait a bit in the lobby before my meeting, and I got a look at the clientele... let me just tell you it is most certainly NOT the ladies-only gym of men's fantasies.  The women I saw coming and going were mostly average-sized to overweight and with a few exceptions, all over 40.  PLEASE know that I am not hating on these women! Good for them that they are taking care of themselves and making time for their health.  I'm just saying it's ... well, it is what women would expect a women's only gym would be.

Bahahahahaha! Ha! Ahem. 

Yes.  but maybe less makeup and hairspray.  and after a year's membership. 

Who knows, maybe I'll get the job and look like the lady in the first picture.  Gills and all...