3 little pigs

so... this little hussy went to market and got herself three dates this week.

this little piggy #1: sweet, funny, *tall*, bomb kisser.  maybe slightly boring.

this little piggy #2: funny, *super cute*, not-so-tall, thoughtful, easy convo

this little piggy #3: so funny I snorted. *twice.*, not-so-tall, successful, super cute, great conversation, terrible kisser!


So who won't get their house blown down by the big bad wolf?

They are all seemingly interested in pursuing things further (I mean, could you blame them? They went out with me after all.) and they all have different merits... gah! What have I gotten myself into??? Do I have to give a "breakup speech" to two of these dudes eventually? I hate the breakup speech. Someone always gets hurt! Can't I just be indecisive and have them all?

mmmm bacon

MEN desired

All you young boys out there, LISTEN UP. I know this is the modern age and there are all sorts of technological advances in how we communicate: text messaging, picture messaging, facebook, twitter, etc. but I don't feel like it is too much to ask for a person to pick up the phone when asking someone for a date.

Don't get me wrong, I love texting. Sexting can even be fun in the right situation.  And I'm all atwitter when it comes to flirtexting.  But when you want to ask a girl out, be a MAN and lift that pocket-sized computer to your ear and speak into the microphone.

Recently a 48 year old person of the male species contacted me on the man-candy site.  We chatted a bit over email, and then he asked for my number.  He is cute, successful, and pushing 50.  Imagine my surprise when he texts me to ask me out!! Shortly after, a 40 year old male species also asked for my number.  And what happens??? You guessed it! Texted me to ask me out.  grrr.... I thought things were looking up when the youngest of all - a mere 34 years old - actually texts to find out what time would be a good time to call me.  Uhm, say what? You want to what? to CALL me? Now we're talkin!

When I was a little girl I never thought that finding a man to call me would be such an ordeal, nor would I ever have thought that a phone call could be sexy.

So GENTLEMEN, if you'd like to really sweep a lady off her feet it is more simple than you ever could have imagined... bloopbleepblorpbeepbeepbeepblurpbloopbleepbleep... ring, ring, ring, "hello?" YOU'RE IN. 

Monday is my weekend.

Friday night: performed my show and then went on a date.  went to bed 2AM.
Saturday woke at 8AM

and worked from 10:30-6:30 on my feet walking walking walking walking.  home for shower and get ready for Casey's birthday party.  Bed at 2AM. Again.

Sunday woke at 8:30AM and worked/walked from 10:30-4pm.  Came home and got a very quick nap:

before leaving for rehearsal from 8:30pm - 10:30pm.  Bed at midnight.

Today:

Fun with Pictures Part III

Oh man-candy-store, sometimes you kill me. 

hustlin'

Tentatively excited.  Interviewed for (and was offered) a *JOB*.  Weekend work, somewhat grueling, but the pay is great.  It is marketing and PR, and most of the money comes from bonuses and commissions, so who knows how much I'll actually make, but it looks like it will be around $200-700 in two days.  Mmmmm okeydokey smokey!

I start this weekend, so I can let y'all know how it goes.

*sidebar - did you see how many comma's I used up there? My 4th grade teacher is rolling over in her grave.  Or possibly just rolling over in bed.  Depending on if she's alive. I'm assuming she is.  She wasn't that old when I was in 4th grade, but who knows? I'm not friends with her on Facebook or anything.

sweet baby jesus

uhm, WHAT?

"Hell yeah I suck toes!!"
"message me if you're not a stupid bitch"

For the record, I may be a pasty white girl, but in my profile I specifically indicate that I'm part gangsta (because I AM, yo).  Needless to say (so wait, if it is needless to say why are you saying it??? :/) I kept my sassy neck-whip hair-flip in check.  No need to instigate; he is clearly not of sound mind.  If you'd like to create a response in the comments for me, please do so.  Help a sista out.

kill me now

So remember that job I interviewed for yesterday? Well, they love me, natch.  (I mean, who wouldn't??) Buuuuut what I thought was a job where I could work from home at least some of the time (ie. go out on auditions, goof off, write blogs) It is actually a chained-to-a-desk-and-phone noose-around-my-neck 7a-4p M-F job. Gahhhh!

I mean, I need that paper like whoa, but at what expense? (get it? money:expense? ha. ehhhh)

So I have a second interview today with the big boss man who is apparently going to grill me about how many calls a day I made at my previous jobs, and probably some kind of productivity report or micromanager chart of how I was successful.  Somebody shoot me now.

Isn't there a job that will make me piles of cash but not suck years off of my life?

Big boss man on the left, me on the table. 

Stay tuned... something may be on the horizon...

Dummy McStupidson

So staffing agency Plum Two* had set up an appointment/interview for tomorrow with a cosmetics company.  My rep was supposed to email me a Sample Resume so I could massage my current one to make it look more appropriate, as well as send me company info/website so I could research.  That was Friday.  Guess what I've not received? Mmmmyeahhhhh.  Today my rep calls me to ask if I can come in today instead to interview.  Fine, now I don't have to wake up at 6:30am tomorrow.  Buuuut  I have no idea about this company.  I don't know their website, their customer base, how long they've been in business, not even their NAME.

I'm trying desperately in my mind not to think of this woman at Plum Two as a complete imbecile.  It is not really working.

And really, my resume is decent, I already have the interview, why can't I just talk in the interview and explain how my time spent "cold calling businesses" is actually "outside sales?" Does the interviewer not know that "outside sales" IS "cold-calling?" Because if that is the case, then let me tell you something that person is an idiot and how the hell do they have a job and I don't? Maybe because they don't call people idiots?

Maybe the usual clients of Plum One are complete and total idiots and need personal coaching on how to get a job, how to write a resume, and how to research a company that you are interviewing for . Maybe I just need to suck it up and put on some big girl panties and deal with the fact that I am unemployed and have to put up with moronic imbeciles of iconic proportion.  


*name changed to protect the stupid

And then he kissed me

Do you know what happened to me this week?????

I had date #2 (and subsequently #3) with Ryan*! He is sweet, *tall*, and we have great conversation.  And he is a good kisser!! Whoop Whoop!

Here's my y problema.  Date #2 we smooched, so date #3 I'm all kinds of flirty.  Hand on the knee, leaning in, touching the arm and from him: nothing.  I mean, he's showing me pix of mom and grandma and sharing his life (via pix on his phone), but... no touching? We leave the bar to walk for a minute and no hand holding, no arm-around-shoulders, nothing! WTF?

Anyway, I've not been swept off my feet yet...

Sunday had a first date with Herman*.  He has an unfortunate name.  Not sure if maybe his parents didn't like him much or what.  Anyway, he's not so tall, but really cute.  Dreamy blue/green eyes and a sweet smile.  The date gets off to a rough start in my book.  No, no, not what you're thinking - he buys my coffee. But he doesn't take off his sunglasses.  Uhm, ... can I see your dreamy eyes please? Well, he knows my penchant for fast cars and he happens to have a second car that is souped up specifically for speed and awesomeness.  He suggests a ride in the car.  Well at this point I honestly think I might not see him again but want a ride in that car. So I agree.  We go to his place so he can get the other car and we drive off into the mountains.  Well, his car is HOTT! mmm mmmm mmmmm gets my motor running.

(side note: in high school I went out with a guy because he had a convertible mazda miata.  seems I'm whore-ish for a hot ride)

We drive up the sexy road hugging curves and this man can drive.  Oh boy. We stop for a minute at the top and share a sandwich.  Well what do you know homeboy takes his sunglasses off! And he's funny! And sweet! And we have good convo and non-awkward silences! After the drive back down the mountain, he asks if he can see me again and I say yes!

Oh cupid and your silly arrow.  You've made love cars!


*names have been changed to protect the innocent. 

interview, interview, interview

Five interviews in four weeks! Whew!
Plus, the temp/perm/staffing agency has two interviews in the works and I had a phone pre-interview yesterday.

I called mom to let her know my progress, and to ask her wizened advice about one of the jobs I've interviewed for.

Well, I was sharing with mom all of this and mom just kind of lays into me about not having a job yet! Uhm hello??? I've been busting my butt to get interviews.  Just because I don't like the job searches you send me doesn't mean I'm not looking for a job! It has been a MONTH! Jeez.

God Bless Texas, but my parents have no idea about the entertainment industry.  A few years back my dad thought I should just "get a job on set, making costumes or building sets or something" to get my foot in the door as an actor.  Bless his heart.  Mom keeps sending me job links to the film studios, even though it is in departments like international contracts or media relations and entry level positions like receptionist or boot licker.  Somehow, in her mind that will get me a job on set eventually.

Maybe that would work.  Here's how that would go down: Day in and day out, I arrive to work on the studio lot and silently cry inside that I am going into a building that has nothing to do with performing, chain myself to a desk and a phone for 8 hours with a small break for eating and sobbing.  On my allotted break from prison work, I would stagger out for food and hope for a drunk delivery truck driver to be in my path.  Instead, I would happen to pass by the Commissary where Spielberg, Judd Apatow and the Cohen Brothers would be having lunch.  And instead of ignoring another peon worker-bee, they would somehow look past my haggard looks, mascara stained cheeks and my bloodshot bleary eyes and see a talented, funny, hot-for-okcupid-standards, undiscovered *STAR*  and simply not be able to resist casting me as the lead in all three of their next projects.  Yup, that's pretty much what is going to happen.

Fun with Pictures Part II

Listen to this:

While looking at this:

pix purposely put on an internet dating site with intention of attracting a girlfriend. 

Fun With Pictures part I

Self Portrait aka I don't have any friends that will take my picture.  

Just for fun I decided to assemble a few pix from online profiles.  Astounding to me what people will choose to use as a representation of themselves as a means to attract the opposite sex.

Can't decide who is my fave: ed hardy douche-town, duck lips, more-to-love-fu-man-chu-reflected, or the supposedly "straight" man showing off his belly.  Comments? Captions? Votes for favorite pic?

cyber-betches

so I got an email today from the man-candy website letting me know that I'm "hot."  Apparently they can determine through magic and clicks on my profile that I am attractive.  And because "they" are mean girls in disguise, now that it has been sufficiently documented that I am not hideous and beastly I qualify to see more attractive people in my search results.

UMM HELLO!?!?! I have to be quantified as attractive to deserve to be matched with someone else that is attractive? So back when there was the possibility I was bfugly I only deserved to see the disgusting trolls that no one else wants? WTF.  Judgey-McJudgersons.  Pretty sure the staff of this particular website looks like this:

Catty Bitches

All of that being said, I feel a disconcerting bloat to my ego that some random mean-girl-computer thinks I'm pretty.

it all went well until...

another job interview today.  get up, shower, blow-dry hair, coffee, wade through closet-abyss, clomp clomp in my heels to the car, drive over the hill, park, clomp clomp to office, read US magazine (Kanye is courting Kim and doesn't care who knows it!) while waiting for possible-future boss, chat, connect, laugh, discuss compensation, questions, things going great until... she finds out I'm a performer.

Then all of a sudden she's all, "well I'm still interviewing people" and "you'll hear back from us within a week or two." And the love affair was over just like that.  Not holding my breath on this one.

Craig's List of Crap

A gross overview of craigslist jobs:

• webcam models: make money from your own home! safe! clean!
• work PART-TIME and make $30,000/month! (yeah, right)
• egg donor/surrogate
• jobs I am 100% not qualified for: attorney, plumber, machinest, etc.
• and then plenty of jobs like this:

<working for so-and-so>

Most importantly is your ability to keep the office in order, take calls, make appointments and write letters with the artist (English abilities must be exceptional, many edits are needed in dictation).

Secondly you must be tech savvy. Photoshop experience is highly recommended.

-Experience curating for art shows or galleries.

-Interest in art or working with artists.

-Office administration or business management background is a must.

-Answer phone calls, taking messages, contacting galleries.

-Possesses excellent written and verbal communication skills.

-Excels at multi-tasking with great attention to detail.

-Familiar with various social networking platforms.

-Be skilled, clear and direct in both verbal and written communication.

-Knowledge in sales trends and marketing.

*Full Time 40 Hrs Weekly

-The following is a list of applications and services we use on a regular basis.

Proficiency with mac products,

Adobe Master Suite,

Microsoft Office,

SEO,

Web design,

Wordpress,

Web site management,

Computer networking,

Social media skills a major plus!

ALL FOR $10/HOUR.  

You're kidding, right? I haven't made $10/hour since I worked at a movie theater in college.  This is LA, and you want someone to have all those skills and only pay them ten bucks? You know what that is after taxes, right? You could make more at In-n-Out.   Here's what I have to say about that:

FIRST FIRST DATE!

I've been emailing with a guy online, and earlier this week he asked if we wanted to continue the convo in person.  EEEEEEEK! *deep breaths, Joanna* This is what is supposed to happen.  Deeeeep breaths. Maybe a little yogic breath - ujjayi breath.  (Coincidentally, when you google images for ujjayi, this comes up: 

one-eyed jesus in a prison bathrobe

)

After I calm down a bit, I email him my number so he can call me.  But, he texts.  (le sigh)  Is it too much to ask a 48 year old man to pick up the phone and call?  And then he wants me to make the plan.  So I suggest a FiveBucks in between his place and mine. He texts me, "Are you askeered? Why don't we do happy hour or a meal somewhere?"  I refrained from asking if he was "askeered" to actually pick up the phone and call me like a grownup.  

Long story short, we met for happy hour but ended up ordering a full meal because that's ultimately what he wanted to do.  He was a nice enough guy, and I'm open to a second date if he asks, but certainly not "You had me at hello."

Will he ask??? Time will tell...

all in a day's work. I mean, play.

My favorite city in all of southern Cali is San Diego.  Specifically, North SD County.  I just love all the little hole in the wall places that are so amazing! Swami's, Via Italia Trattoria, Pannikin, ... drooling.  

Went to my first yinki yoga class at the Nest in Solana Beach.  Its yin yoga with Reiki healing.  Pretty kewl.  I felt all loopy and high after.  Who needs drugs?! 

The other highlights to the day, Claire and I took a walk on the beach for some fresh air and exercise and happened upon a couple on the beach who seemed to be enjoying themselves.  The woman was lying on the beach with a cap over her face, and the man had his head under a blanket in her lap... *ahem*.  Yes, they were getting busy on the beach.  Salty. Ha.  I'm sure she was into him for his verbal skills.  He seemed to be a cunning linguist.  Wahwah wah...

And as we were driving to dinner, we saw a gorgeous convertible corvette stingray with a human-sized pink bunny rabbit in the passenger seat.  Granted, I was feeling pretty high from yoga, maybe I was hallucinating.  

And finally, I must say, having been on the man-candy store website for a little while now, there are wayyyyyy hotter guys in SD than in LA. Wowza.  I think I have a kink in my neck from all the looky-loo's I did.  Maybe I should move south... 

dating dumb-dumbs

if every section of your dating profile says "if you want to know, just ask" then... I don't want to know.  the whole point of this thing is you give just enough juice so I think you might be worth the squeeze.

What it says to me is that you are too lazy to actually spend 30-60 minutes answering the same dumb essay questions that everyone else had to answer.  Meaning you either don't think you're interesting enough to write something a woman would respond to, you're not taking this seriously and don't want to waste time unless she's really hot, or think you're sooo good looking that the ladies are just going to fall all over themselves wanting to know what you're like.  Or maybe all of the above.

Uh-oh.  I'm starting to sound like Bitter Betty.  Maybe I need to take a break from all of this for a hot minute. I'm going to head down to Sandy Eggo for some mid-week R&R with my bestie.  She's always one to make sure my head stays on my shoulders and not in some dark hole with my cats playing solitaire on my phone.

interview #2

I had an interview today for a company that assists with weight loss through coaching and pre-packaged foods.  My background is in health, fitness, wellness, yoga, and sales so it isn't a bad fit.

Well I met with this woman today and she was super impressed with my resume.  She's from NYC so we bonded over missing the City but not the blizzards.  I answered her questions with ease.  The company is (obviously) huge on goal setting, etc and I shared with her all of the goal coaching seminars I've taken, my own goals that I've written down for my life, and how how it would mean so much to me to be able to share with others. Basically, I nailed it.

Then the hammer fell.  She just offered someone the position this morning.  Wham!

oh but there might be some openings in Culver City or Agoura Hills and even though this office is literally walking distance from my house maybe you'd be interested in driving 45-60 minutes each way to work every day? She's going to forward my resume to them and maybe you could work there or maybe the person she offered to this morning will not accept or maybe something else will open up???

Back to square one.

I'm speechless. Now there's a feat.

and then this happened.